Your Child is Misbehaving, Are You Listening?

					Your Child is Misbehaving, Are You Listening? By: Heather T. Forbes, LCSW When reviewing records of many of the children with whom I work, I am forever perplexed at one particular notation I continually see written by therapists and counselors. Under the list of negative traits of the child, it is often written, "Child exhibits attention-seeking behaviors."
I strongly believe that children seek attention because they NEED attention. Nature has designed children to be completely dependent on their parents at the moment they are born. A baby crying is the signaling to the parent the baby has a need, a need that the baby cannot satisfy on his own. The baby is indeed exhibiting attention-seeking behaviors. The natural flow of the developmental journey of a child is to gradually release this need for attention, moving from a state of dependence to a state of balanced independence. The time period for this is about 18 years. We are the only animals in the animal kingdom that have our children under our care for this length of time. Expecting our children to not need our attention or to view it as a negative behavioral issue during these 18 years goes against our biology. When children do not know how to verbally express their needs (which is predominately the case during early childhood), they "speak" through their behaviors. In other words, behavior is a form of communication. When a parent can stop, pause, and "listen" to the behavior of a child, it can become quite obvious what the child is saying. Looking at the behavior from an objective perspective also unveils the logic behind the child's behavior. Here is a list of ten behaviors along with an interpretation of each behavior to demonstrate this: Slamming Doors. When a child begins slamming doors, it is an indication that he does not feel like he is being heard. By slamming a door, he is making loud noises, hence forcing the parent to "hear" him. He is essentially saying, "I need to have a voice and I need you to listen to me now!" Cursing. Most children know that they should not curse. They use profanity to jar the parent's nervous system into listening. It is a way to get a parent to respond to the child, even if the response is negative. The child's fear of not being good enough for the parent to pay attention to him, is also playing out in such a scenario. Shutting Down. A child who shuts down, refuses eye contact, walks away, or gives the parent the silent treatment is a child who is overwhelmed. We have traditionally labeled a child like this as defiant. This is a child who is saying, "Life is too big to handle. I'm shutting down my world in order to survive." Hitting Sibling. Sibling rivalry is more about the relationship between the child and parent than it is between two siblings. If a child is not feeling secure in his relationship with his parent(s), he will perceive the sibling as a threat to this relationship with the parent(s). Reacting against the sibling is the basic game of "King of the Hill" in order to win the attention of the parents. The child may receive negative attention from the parent ("Billy, stop picking on your brother!") but to a child, especially a child with a trauma history, any form of attention, whether positive or negative, is love. Challenging Authority. A child who challenges authority is a child who has lost his trust in authority figures. Look back into the child's history and you will likely see a child who was abused, neglected, or abandoned by someone who was supposed to care for and nurture the child. A child who fights having someone else in charge, is a child saying, "I can’t trust anyone. It is too much of a risk." Saying, "I hate you!". Such hurtful words directed towards a parent from a child are simply a window into the child's heart. The child is projecting his self-hatred and self-rejection back onto the parent. What he is communicating is, "I hate myself!" It is easier to hurt someone else than it is to feel the internal hurt within one’s own heart. Arguing About Everything. A child who argues about everything and anything is keeping the parent looped in a conversation in order to keep the parent attuned to him. He feels that if the parent were to stop talking with him, he would cease to exist. Arguing is his way of staying connected. It is a negative form of attachment. Laziness. Describing a child as being "lazy" is like calling a child crying in a crib a "cry baby." It is a gross misinterpretation of the child. Laziness is typically a sign of a child who experienced helplessness early in his childhood; it is a learned behavior. Neglect happens when a child tries to elicit attention from his caregiver and the result is nothing. No attention. No help. Zilch. The child learns that his energy does not produce results and as he grows older and gets challenged by life, he will simply shut down and do nothing. He is saying, "My efforts don't produce results so therefore I won't even try." Pushing Every Boundary. Many children have such intense behaviors that the adults around them in the past demonstrated a lack of ability to handle them or an unwillingness to stick with them. When parents find the child pushing every boundary, every rule, and every limit, the child is asking, "Can you really handle me?" and "You say you're my parent, but I need to know you're not going to give up on me so I will test you to make sure you really are committed before I put any trust into you!" Becoming Unglued During Transitions. Trauma happens by surprise and when it happens, there is typically a major change in the child's life. It is transitional trauma. The aftermath of such traumatic experiences is that the child becomes fearful of EVERY transition, whether large or small. A child's belief around transitions becomes, "Something bad is going to a happen. Guaranteed." Past traumatic experiences create the black and white thinking that "All change equals pain." When a parent sees a child's negative behaviors intensifying during a transitional time, the parent needs to remember that the child is saying, "I'm so scared that my entire world is going to fall apart in a flash just like it did in the past!" When parenting a child with challenging behaviors on a day-to day basis, it is easy to lose sight of the idea that behavior is the language of a child. Negative behaviors are tiring! Keep taking care of yourself and keep your cup filled so that you have enough space inside of you to keep looking beyond the behaviors and listening to the behaviors instead of reacting to the behaviors. The parent/child relationship is a dyad - a two-part system. Remember that your behavioral response also signals a communication to your child. Thus, it is imperative for you to stay mindful and attuned. Give enough attention to yourself as to stay in a place of love so you are always speaking the language of truth, love, and acceptance to your child in return.
Heather T. Forbes, LCSW Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2, Dare to Love, and Help for Billy.

Fear of Rejection Rules

						Q: My six-year old son can typically get his favorite aunt to laugh. The other day, however, he couldn't get her to laugh and he switched on a dime from a joking child with her to an angry child at me. There are so many dynamics in my extended family and he is with us due to a bad situation. He is actually my nephew. With all these family layers and with him rejecting me and blaming me for ruining his life, how do I keep myself from falling into all these dynamics? A: For your son, getting his aunt to laugh at him means that he is finally loved and has connection. When he couldn't get her to laugh, his entire world fell apart. It was this drastic. For a child
with a high sensitivity to being rejected, one missed connection can turn into complete collapse. His anger stemmed from the feeling of being rejected. His jokes weren't working so therefore she didn't love him anymore. Then he turned on you in a self-protective response to reject you in order not to get hurt again. As his mom, you have the closest relationship with him, which is also the most vulnerable relationship. Rejection is a self-protective response, a survival response. You have to stay very connected to yourself in order not to get pulled into the chaotic vortex within your family. When you are able to stay so strong in who you are, you no longer need anybody else's approval. You cannot change your brother, your sisters, or any of the other relatives. You don't have to solve their issues or convince them that you are doing the right thing, ever. You have permission to stay in a place of love and respect for yourself (even if nobody else can do this in your family). When you are raising a child as difficult as your nephew, living in this framework is needed for self-preservation. Starting here is the place for finding peace and freedom in your home without feeling like you are trapped or stuck with the situation. Ultimately, you will then move to a place of self-love and that is the gift of the chaos and challenge that has unfolded in your family. What this means is, when your son comes up to you after not being able to get his aunt to laugh and starts agitating you, you can be able to connect with his rejection instead of feeling rejected yourself. You can step back from feeling like your son is diminishing you. Step back, not from a place of detaching from him, but step back to realize and literally "feel" what he is feeling. This is the moment to say to yourself, "This is my chance not to be explosive, but to find myself in this chaos." This takes a tremendous amount of self-discipline and self-awareness. When your child starts badgering you, you don't have to become what he is and what he is projecting onto you. Be cautious though, because you cannot detach and be calm from a place of ignoring him or retreating away from him because this will typically ignite him even more. If he senses you are not present with him and have emotionally detached from him, then the same dynamic of being rejected has now been created for him once again. This requires going "head to head" with him but not from a place of power and control but from a place of love, passion, and willingness to be in his pain. What does this look like?
	Child: "You're just mad because you wish you were my mom. I already have a mom." Mom: "You're right, I'm not your mom." Child: "That's right. You just wanna be!" Mom: "I just want to love you..." (gets cut off by child) Child: "I'm not part of this family anyway!" You're just trying to get rid of me. Nobody loves me in this family anyhow." Mom: "Is that what it feels like? (pause) It feels that way, doesn't it sweetheart?" Child: "Yes, because I know it is true. You just want to get rid of me. Everybody wants to get rid of me. I'm not a part of this family." Mom: "I'm..." (gets cut off again by the child) Child: "I'm not a part of this family. You just love everyone more." Mom: "Everybody else just gave up on you, didn't they? That can't feel good." Child: "Yes, it is your fault!" Mom: "Tell me what I did. You're not in trouble, what did I do to make this so bad for you?" Child: "You took me away from my mom. Mom wanted to have me and you took me." Mom: (pause)..."What else? What else did I do?" Child: "You yell at me, you get me in trouble, you always want me to work, you don't want me to play with friends." Mom: "And it doesn't feel like I love you, does it?" Child: "You don't." Mom: "It feels like I ruined your life. Tell me that, 'Mom, you ruined my life!'" Child: "You did...you RUINED my life!" Mom: "I'm sorry it is so hard. Tell me more. I need to know how hard this is for you. Sometimes I do yell at you, sometimes I ignore you, we fight, and we don't get along. I don't know how hard it is for you to be in this family and not feel loved."
Mom engages by asking for the anger and she is doing it in an authentic manner. She put aside the fact that the child blamed her for everything, she did not have to defend herself, and she was strong enough in herself to know that she is a good mom and that she is doing exactly what her child needs whether or not he agrees with her or not. It is not the parent's job to convince this child. That is the child's process that he will have to find his way through in his own timing and later once a more rational discussion can be developed between mom and child. Love yourself enough to reach your child's heart and pain when he is most "raw." You don't have to defend, justify, or rationalize the situation at the moment. The role of the parent is simply to absorb the pain, not fix the child, convince the child, but to simply allow the space for anger and pain. This is a child who is terrified, simply terrified, of you leaving him. When you can feel this fear and understand it, it will keep you in your heart and in a place of regulation, compassion, and love for your child. That's where healing happens. Press on,
Heather T. Forbes, LCSW Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2, Dare to Love, and Help for Billy.

Giving Your Children Their Story

Compassion Leads to Happiness

Q: I have two children who have been a constant struggle for the past 8 years. Each suffered emotional and physical abuse, as well as neglect for the first 3 or 4 years of their lives. Our whole family continues to spiral and loop in a pool of frustration, chaos, and tension. I’ve never been so unhappy in my entire life and I find myself unable to be as compassionate at this point. A: My experience has shown that much of the loss of happiness with parents raising challenging children is due to the loss of compassion. Research has linked the state of happiness to one’s ability to be compassionate. In a study using EEG and FMRI’s, researchers studied a highly trained monk. They first measured the brain of the monk in a resting state to generate baseline brain activity. Then the monk was asked to perform an intensive meditation on compassion. The results showed that during this state of compassion, there was a dramatic shift in his prefrontal function, lighting up the “happiness” region of the brain.

Just the thought of being compassionate can evoke feelings of happiness. When we are concerned and connected to others, we have a sense of well being within ourselves. Unfortunately, most parenting approaches are grounded in a belief that if the child is obedient and well behaved, then the parent can be happy and the family is functioning. This approach places all of the responsibility onto the child and I deeply believe this is unhealthy and creates a dysfunctional family system. It is never the child’s responsibility to make the parent happy nor can the child's behavior be used to determine the health of the family system. Many problems in a family are caused at the most fundamental level by distortions of perception and negative interpretations of situations. It takes changing to a new perspective and for the parents to take responsibility for their state of emotions, despite the behavior of their children. One antidote to this begins with understanding the very nature of early childhood trauma (developmental trauma) and the lifelong effects it has on our children. Trauma never goes away completely. Be sure to educate yourself from the child’s perspective as to why they do what they are doing and what it means to live in a perpetual state of fear and overwhelm (My OnDemand parenting class is a great way to get yourself into this place of understanding for your children and it is available for immediate download: www.beyondconsequences.com/ondemand/parenting.php). A new perspective of your children can return you back to a place of compassion. Compassion will then return you back to a place of joy, amusement, and happiness. Compassion is essential to our well-being…it is the pinnacle of human emotions. Compassion is the openness to the suffering of another, combined with the wish that they be freed from their suffering. It moves us to be understanding, kind, affectionate, tolerant, warm-hearted, and caring. Compassion is love. Research shows that individuals are more likely to experience compassion for those who they perceive as similar to them in some way. If you can relate to your children’s struggles, rather than view them as outright disobedient or disrespectful, you will be more apt to help them move past their struggles and be more effective in creating an environment of healing. Most importantly, if your family is in a negative spiral, you have the ability to pull out of this vortex. It doesn’t have to hold you captive. There is now substantial evidence that shows we can train our minds to overcome negative emotions. We can be in charge of our happiness, despite our life circumstances. The amygdala is involved with anxiety and fear, which creates the feeling of unhappiness. However, studies have shown that you can counteract the reaction of the amygdala…you’re not powerless anymore! You have the ability to make your life work for you. It takes regaining hope and a practice of compassion. The next time you begin to feel overwhelmed or realize you’re unhappy, say to yourself, “I’m not powerless anymore.” Change your pattern. Don’t allow your child’s negative state to fire your amygdala. Don’t allow him to shift you into stress and fear. Don't give up your personal power anymore. Just give it a try! Love is available in all circumstances and at any moment of any day. There is a way to help your children get beyond the negative behaviors and remain happy at the same time! Press on,

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2, Dare to Love, and Help for Billy.

Is my child 16 years old or 2 years old?

					Q: My seven year old son has a history marked by trauma and while I understand this has set him up to act differently, I still find myself so frustrated with him! On one hand, he is so intelligent and gifted (his teacher describes him as "more gifted than the gifted kids"), yet on the other hand, he can't seem to comprehend what I say to him (or he just plain isn't listening to me!). He seems so mature intellectually yet acts like a two year old when things don't go his way. How do I parent a child who is 16 years old one minute and a two year old the next? It's maddening!
A: Children who are raised in predictable environments with consistent caretaking experience the world as both safe and good. They learn to trust themselves and to trust their emotions. They trust others and the world at large. They develop confidence in their ability to think and feel, no matter the situation at hand. However, children who are traumatized by abuse, neglect, and/or abandonment, do not develop such a coherent set of coping skills. They may spend all their resources and energy making certain they are safe since the caretakers around them are not. The lack of consistency and unpredictability in their lives interrupts their normal path of development. To demonstrate this, let's compare two children. First we have "Andy." Andy grew up in a nurturing and structured home. In fact, Andy’s womb experience was ideal. His mother took her prenatal vitamins, she exercised, she modulated her stress level, and she wanted to be pregnant and become a mother. Thus, by the time Andy is seven years old, he has reached his normal developmental milestones and is a high functioning, happy, and lovable child. Billy, on the other hand, has a history of abandonment, rejection, and unpredictability in his history. His mother didn't even want to be pregnant to begin with, so Billy entered the world feeling rejected and unwanted. At the age of seven years old, Billy is disorganized in his ability to navigate the world. He is capable in some areas yet shows massive deficits in other areas. Billy's development has been severely impacted by his life experiences. Here's a graph showing the difference between Andy's developmental path and Billy's developmental failures:
Here are six areas of development to consider for your child: Cognitive Development: Children who are limited in their cognitive ability will struggle the most to overcome trauma and will show patterns of quick regression. Other children become advanced in their cognitive thinking and are like the child in this question, labeled "more gifted than the gifted kids." These children will typically be difficult in their behaviors and act out with more intensity. Language Development: Due to the lack of safe and nurturing one-on-one care, a child's language development is hampered. This is especially true for children adopted internationally whose first language was not English. Language deficits impede understanding (thus it can feel like they aren't listening to you). Acting out becomes a form of expressive communication, as there are no words to simply say, "I'm mad!" or "I'm scared." Academic Development: Trauma impacts a child's attention span, ability to concentrate, and to organize. This makes it difficult even for a bright child like Billy to succeed in school. He can't keep track of his homework, his backpack is completely disorganized, and he has a difficult time sitting still in class and paying attention. The stress of academics can easily set a child back into feeling helpless (as when they were in the midst of their trauma), so instead of taking on the challenge of school, they simply give up and shut down. (For more information on helping your child in the school environment, click here.) Social Development: Social interactions have proven to be unsafe and dangerous to many children, so their ability to interact appropriately with peers can be severely compromised. They have lived in "survival" which leaves no room for considering the feelings of others. They need to be taught how to handle the stress of peer relations and may need an adult near them during social play (See Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control, Volume 2 for more direct ways to help children find safety in social interactions). Physical Development: Deprivation of not only food but of nurturing and sensitive caretaking often compromises a child's physical development. This is especially true for a child who was diagnosed as "Failure to Thrive." Emotional Development: While a child like Billy has a birth certificate that says he is seven, he will likely be extremely emotionally immature. He needs to experience safe and nurturing emotional interactions in order to rebuild his foundation. He needs emotionally sensitive caretaking to get back on track and regain the experiences his friend, Andy, has been given all along. Billy is all over the graph in his developmental path. Where is your child? Take the time to consider each of these areas for your child. If your child is more like a three year old emotionally, he needs to be met at this age in order to move forward in his development. Asking a child to respond with the emotional flexibility of a seven year old when he is only three years old in his development will prove to be maddening as a parent and more importantly, is unfair to the child. Children need to be accepted for who they are and for what their life experiences have created within them. Unconditional love requires us to get out of our own fears of "babying" our child in order to meet our child exactly at his developmental age. Be honest with yourself and objectively determine the actual capabilities of your child. When you are able to meet your child at his/her level of development, you are opening up the door to healing. Your child will feel more accepted, understood, and validated. This allows love to flow and for the parent/child relationship to be rebuilt. It is in the context of your loving relationship with your child that the graph of Billy can soon look closer to that of Andy. Children are resilient and are neurologically flexible. Healing, and thus behavioral change, takes a willingness to see a child for exactly who he is and to stop expecting him to be like the example of Andy, especially if the child has a traumatic history. For more information and an in-depth look at developmental trauma, click HERE to access my latest DVD series at a special internet price. Press on,
Heather T. Forbes, LCSW Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2, Dare to Love, and Help for Billy.

When the File Cabinet Drawer Won't Open

		Q: My daughter, Gina, is 15 years old (adopted at 2 ½ with the first years of her life being very traumatic). She gets so frustrated with herself when she can't remember the instructions her soccer coach gives her (and her coach gets very frustrated with her as well). When Gina gets stressed out, she simply cannot process the information or store the information in her brain properly. I think if my daughter were to understand herself better, she could cope better during moments of stress. Would you be willing to write a letter to her directly that would explain what is going on because I know she could listen to it from you, instead of me (her mom!). Thank you.
Dear Gina: Early childhood experiences (when you're a baby and/or toddler) of trauma can affect you much later on in life (like when you're 15 years old or older) in many different areas. One of the most prominent areas is in your ability to handle stressful situations. When you face stress from teachers, coaches, your parent(s), and other adults who have expectations of you, it can be as if your brain turns into a cobweb. The ability to process and store new information is reduced and hindered. Here are few facts to remember to help you understand yourself: When you are stressed out, your brain cannot store new information. Your brain's ability to process information (old or new) is compromised (limited) when you're stressed. Stress causes confused and distorted thinking. You just can't think clearly. It becomes very difficult to recall information you learned recently. It is as if you're standing in front of a file cabinet and there are documents in the file cabinet, but you can't access them because the file cabinet is locked. When stressed, your brain goes back to old patterns. It is like a plane that is being operated by a pilot (you) when suddenly the "autopilot" switch gets turned on and you have no control. You go into autopilot and every decision is based on old information and old patterns. Rigid thinking becomes the dominant thinking. You are not able to be flexible. Answers have to be "yes" or "no," there is no "maybe." Things are either "wonderful" or "horrible," there is no "it's just okay." Things have to be done "now" not "later." In other words, there is a great sense of urgency...NOW! Your brain cannot process language when stressed. Adult instructions are confusing and they sound more like the Charlie Brown teacher. The problem is that most adults don't realize this so they only get frustrated with you and they think you are ignoring them, when you're not. When stressed out, your body can get overwhelmed and take over in very reactive ways: freezing up, shutting down, hitting others, screaming, yelling, throwing objects, throwing up, getting sick, and more. To keep this from stopping you from being the best you want to be, there are some things that can be done, but they do take work. Here are some suggestions: When feeling stressed, work to get yourself regulated. Make a list of what works for you. Some of these might be deep breaths, mantras (like saying to yourself, "I'm okay and I've always been okay."), pictures of your family (anything visual), or a special item like a rock or a charm (something that you can touch). Be creative and make a list to help you remember when you get stressed next time. When you are starting to get stressed and the person with you is getting frustrated, simply say, "I need a few minutes to process this. Thank you." Before going to an event that could be stressful (like a soccer game or taking a test), take a few moments to stop and relax beforehand. Walk into the event as calm and regulated as possible to start. If there is anyway for the person who is helping you or teaching you to draw out the instructions, instead of just verbally telling you, this would be extremely helpful. Your brain can most likely take in visual information better than verbal information. Ahead of time, let people know you have a, "High Sensitivity to Stress." This simply means you get easily stressed out and you may need a few more breaks to get re-regulated. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Practice. Practice. Practice. It might take your brain longer than some of your friends to retain the information. This does NOT mean you're stupid. This only means your brain needs more time to put things "in the file cabinet" (your brain). When you do get stressed, be sure to allow yourself to process through all the big feelings once you're in a safe place (like at home with a parent). You have to safely let go of all the stress so it doesn't get locked up in your body. Sometimes just a good cry is what you need and it can be a wonderful release! Simply being aware of how your brain works along with being mindful can be a big step in changing all of this. This is the most important tip: You have to love yourself and stop judging yourself as a "bad" person or a "dumb" person or a "worthless" person (or any other negative beliefs you may have going on in your head). This issue of how your brain processes and retains information is not about who you are as a person. You're living a journey of trauma recovery and it is a gift in many ways...it is keeping you intuitive, aware, connected, emotionally intelligent, and much more! Acceptance of who you are is the key. Press on,
Heather T. Forbes, LCSW Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2, Dare to Love, and Help for Billy.

Are You Happy?

 

It's a new year and a good time to start fresh. Let 2015 be a year of happiness for you and your family. Let us help you find happiness this year, no matter the circumstances. 

Join us tonight for a webinar all about happiness. 

When: January 6, 2015 at 6pm MST.

Where: From your computer

Cost: $15 

Register here:

http://beyondconsequences.com/anevening/

 

Motivating a Lazy Child

				Q: How does being extremely selfish fit into the trauma issue? Last Sunday evening, it became very obvious that my teenage daughter was not going to lift a finger to help with our Sunday family dinner when our other children and extended family were all helping out. She said she was tired. A: It fits in perfectly. When children are in survival mode or simply overwhelmed, they feel as if they have to protect themselves and
create safety for themselves. It is all about self-protection. They seek peace and peace comes from shutting down from the world. It is actually a brilliant strategy: shut down the world and you reduce the stress in your life, you deactivate the stimulus of the environment, and your nervous system has a chance to calm down. Unfortunately for those around a child in this type of self-protection mode, this brilliant strategy makes the child look rude, selfish, and lazy. In order to stay in a place of love, understanding, and tolerance as a parent for this type of behavior in your child (especially around extended family members), you have to ask yourself, "What is driving my child’s behavior?" Too often, we approach our children asking the wrong question of "How do I get my child to change her behavior?". If you ask the wrong question, you'll get the wrong answer. In this specific situation, if you only focus on the behavior alone, it will look as if your daughter is being lazy and selfish. By pushing her to change her behavior, you will come off to her as nagging and lecturing. This will only serve to increase her stress, thus pushing her further into her shut-down state. Ironically, you will actually create the exact result which you were trying to avoid. Instead, work on the core issue: OVERWHELM. Moving a child out of a state of overwhelm happens within the context of the relationship. Focus on the relationship. Also recognize that family get-togethers, while fun, are stressful. Friends, family, and more social interaction can overwhelm a child who struggles with relationships. While I'm an advocate for families, too much family outside of the nucleus family structure can be too much for many children. Their nervous systems are not equipped to handle the increase in noise, interactions, and stress of being expected to "behave." To solve this issue, do proactive work and develop a plan with your daughter. This is a child who needs you to join her and to assist her in order to keep her from automatically going into overwhelm. Shutting down is an automatic response; she doesn't have control over it. It doesn't happen at a conscious level. Helping her to create an awareness around this reaction, as well as a plan of how to deal with it in the future, is your responsibility as a parent of a child of trauma. When life gets busy, loud, and unpredictable, tell her you've noticed she doesn't seem to be as happy. Invite her to reflect about how she felt during last Sunday night's dinner and let her express herself honestly and openly. Beware, though, she may blame you for having too many people over (for example, "Why did you invite them, anyway, you know I don’t like them!" or "Sunday night dinner is stupid anyway; I'd rather be in my room or be with my friends."). You don’t have to defend your decisions or try to convince her why Sunday night dinner is important. Explore the real issue: it's too much for her and it is threatening. Say something like, "Sunday dinner isn't your favorite so maybe we can figure out a plan to help make it better. If it gets to be too much, at any time, how about you go for a walk and if you want me to go with you, I’d love to - just the two of us." You can also set the expectation that you need her to help out, but offer to help her. "I know it can feel like it's too much energy to help with the dinner or with clean-up, but what if you and I worked together? You don't have to be alone and overwhelmed anymore. I want to be here to support you and help keep your body from shutting down. Can you let me help you?" "Beyond Consequences" doesn’t mean a child can do anything she wants to. Children need boundaries; boundaries create emotional safety. Children need us to set the bar of what is expected, as well. However, due to the sensitivity of our children, it has to be done with love, kindness, and compassion. Think about it as merging the strengths of Mr. Rogers (gentleness, compassion, understanding) with those of General Patton (strong, courageous, determined).
Perhaps you're reading these suggestions and thinking, "That would be fine if she were five, but she's fifteen! Mr. Rogers is for little kids; when is it her turn to grow up and take responsibility?" Your daughter has already proven that she can't get out of overwhelm and she isn't able to take responsibility yet, at least on her own. Expecting her to simply dig deeper internally and uncover a vast source of willpower just isn't realistic. You can continue to battle it out, which is exactly what will happen if you approach it from the perspective of her being lazy and rude. It is never the facts of the situation that create frustration; it is the interpretation of the facts. For example: Fact. Your daughter isn't helping out. Interpretation. Choose one: (1) She is lazy, rude, and choosing to be disrespectful. (2) She is overwhelmed; shutting down from an automatic response controlled subconsciously by her nervous system, and needs help finding her way out in order to create a new pattern that will equip her for the future. The first interpretation perceives only the negative and puts 100% of the responsibility on the child. It is her job to change. You hold your ground as the parent in charge (General Patten without Mr. Rogers) and she is the one required to take action and change. This interpretation will keep your parent/child relationship in a "me against her" power struggle. The second interpretation sheds light on the truth about what is driving her behavior. The change in behavior shifts to a focus on improving your relationship with her. It focuses on how you can help your child, who is overwhelmed, get out of overwhelm, not go deeper into it. It takes courage to do something different. Trust that love and relationship, coupled with setting expectations and boundaries, will be the solution to getting the tasks at hand completed. Press on,
Heather T. Forbes, LCSW Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2, Dare to Love, and Help for Billy.

"Stuck? Here is a cheat sheet to get you started."

				Q: I have been trying to implement the Beyond Consequences model of parenting but in the moment when my child is resisting, I get stuck. I truly don't know HOW to make emotional connection and I was wondering if you might have a "cheat-sheet" of some kind to help jump start me during these times my mind goes blank. A: If you do not have a blueprint of a parent making emotional connection with you as a child, being able to do this as a parent is like trying to speak a different language. Unfortunately, most
of us grew up in families where our parents intellectualized, minimized, or flat out ignored our emotions so we simply do not have a solid blueprint. Here are a few ideas to keep in mind when you are working to make an emotional connection with your child: Remember that you cannot make the connection happen...you can only create an environment for it to happen (relieve yourself of the pressure). You are simply there to support and to encourage your child. When your child begins to express his/her feelings, validate, encourage, and stay present with your child in the moment. Watch the body for signals (80% of communication is non-verbal). Help to keep the process focused on the emotional piece. "How did that make you feel." Look at the child's face, "You look really mad" or "You look really scared." Avoid solutions at that moment. Get out of the logistical details and help your child into his/her feelings. "Tell me how it felt when that happened." If your child begins to slip back into a cognitive/rational place, watch the body for when they constrict when talking. When you notice this, encourage your child to go back to the emotional piece that goes with the story being told. Stay open to his/her process. You have to be able to handle the depth of emotional pain your child is experiencing. If he senses you are getting overwhelmed, he will cut the story short in order to make you okay. With these ideas in mind, I'm also going to list some actual phrases that might be helpful.  It is very important not to say these words like a script, however. Your child will know immediately when the words are being given from the head as opposed to the heart. Use your passion as a parent to convince your child that you want to know his struggle.  If your child rejects your efforts, saying something like, "You're just trying to therapize me!" You can be honest with your reply, "It probably feels that way! You're right. But I know the more I offer my love and connection, the better off we are going to be." "I know it is hard, but the more you keep it inside of you, the harder it gets."  "I need to know how bad it was for you." "You're not in trouble." "Give yourself permission to have a voice." "How did that make you feel?" "Stay with it, Billy. You're not alone in it." "Open up to the pain. You're safe now, so let it out." "I had no idea this was so hard for you!" "Breathe. Take a deep breath." (Take a deep breath to model it for your child). "I've gotta have it...I need to have your feelings." "You don't have to carry it all." "That's too much pain to have all by yourself. Can you let me share it with you?"  "I want to understand you better and if I know how you feel, I'll be able to do what you need me to do." "I love you no matter how you feel." "Give yourself permission to have a voice. I'm listening." "I can handle whatever you went through." "Look at me, Billy."  (If the child begins to hide in shame, have him/her stay connected with you, but never force eye contact.) Use your own story to connect: "I remember when I was a little girl and a friend of mine was really mean to me...." Be quiet...if these words start irritating the child, slow down, sit down, be quiet, and just be present. Take responsibility for your child's pain. You may not have been able to change the situation in the way she/he needed you to. Yet, feel it with him/her. Join your child and open yourself to your own tears. Work to understand your child's perspective. "I'm so sorry it hurts you that I wasn't there...."  Avoid words like, "It's okay. It's over." Instead, invite them to give you more, "I know it hurt, show me how much it hurt." Be conscious of your conditioned response of making it better. Allow your child to drop the feelings completely. Ironically, we try to avoid the feelings to make it better, yet acknowledging the feeling and allowing the child this emotional space is precisely what will make it better.  Feel the pain with your child and open your heart. Your child will only open up as much as you are opened up to the pain.  Maximize instead of minimize. Go into the pain and the story to explore the issue without down playing or negating what your child is sharing. Getting your child back to a sense of reality will come later, after the emotions have been expressed.  Trust in the process...the outcome is determined by staying present in each moment of the process! Practice this with your friend, spouse, partner, and even your boss! The more you live out of the emotional side of being human, the more natural this will come to you.  Send me the phrases you come up with and I'll compile an even larger list to publish in next month's eNewsletter so we can all work on this together! Press on,
Heather T. Forbes, LCSW Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2, Dare to Love, and Help for Billy.

Redefining the Meaning of Motivation for Students at School

I want to share this excerpt from my book, "Help for Billy," on motivation with you this month. I hope this second half of the school year for your student is a positive and fulfilling experience! To purchase the book at a discounted price click here. Children have a natural love for learning. As young toddlers, they learn to crawl and walk without external motivators. Certainly they like encouragement, but the natural desire to progress is already a part of their innate programming. Children do not need to be bribed or threatened into learning. What they need, especially children with traumatic histories (who we'll call "Billy" in this article), is to be supported, guided, and scaffolded up within an environment that is conducive to feeling emotionally safe, developing relationship, and feeling respected.  The typical behavioral techniques most schools use to try to motivate students can be barriers and hindrances to the Billys of the classroom because they create fear. Any technique based in fear is only going to elevate more fear for a student like Billy who already lives in fear. These techniques are illusions of control and motivation. The reality is that when fear is a part of the learning environment for a student like Billy, learning stops. What subsequently follows is exactly what these external motivators were intended to eliminate: negative behaviors.  Motivation is more about regulation than about simply making a choice to succeed and follow the rules. Motivators we see used in schools, such as stickers and rewards, address the area of the brain that is shut down for Billy. To think clearly and to sequentially rationalize that "if I behave, then I will have a prize from the treasure box" takes the work of the neocortex (the logical thinking part of the brain).  For Billy, when he is struggling and dysregulated, this part of the brain ceases to fire. The problem exists in the lower area of the brain for Billy (the Reptilian Brain). That is why Billy’s thinking is going to be different than the typical student (who we'll refer to as "Andy"). This is especially true for Billy because Billy has a deep-seated negative belief system saying that he is stupid, the world is unsafe, and he has to do whatever it takes to make things work for himself (see below).
In the lower part of the brain for all of us, life happens in the next fifteen seconds. Consequences are not relevant. Morals, ethics, and the differences between "right and wrong" have no bearing. All of these guiding forces reside in the neocortex, an area of the brain no longer "in charge" when Billy is dysregulated.  When Billy is left to his own devices to regulate, all his internal resources and energy are already used for protection and safety, leaving no room for learning. The more Billy falls behind academically, the more he feels threatened and the less he learns. Hence, the negative and endless spiral begins with no way out when traditional approaches are put into place. Unfortunately, the only way out of this downward spiral for many students is to ultimately quit and drop out of school.  It takes a shifting our understanding of motivation from a behavioral perspective to a relationship-based regulatory perspective to interrupt a student's negative spiral downward. Many of the traditional techniques need only be modified slightly and delivered in the spirit of love and connection rather than in the framework of fear and control. It is a small shift yet one that can have a powerful impact on students. It requires interactive regulation (through relationship) to calm Billy down, to create safety for Billy, and to decrease his anxiety. It takes switching from the strategy of getting students motivated--with the promise of a reward or the threat of the loss of a privilege--to the strategy that taps into the student's neurobiological predisposition for relationship.  For more extensive "real-life-how-to" strategies, read my latest book, Help for Billy: A Beyond Consequences Approach to Helping Challenging Children in the Classroom. With a trauma-informed classroom, let's help return our "Billys" of the world back to their natural love for learning! Press on,
Heather T. Forbes, LCSW Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2, Dare to Love, and Help for Billy.

Going Beyond the Behaviors: How to Heal from the Impact of Early Trauma

In order to understand the meaning of tall, we need to understand the meaning of short.  To know if something is hot, we must be familiar with something cold.  Likewise, good is relative to bad, wet is relative to dry, and happy is relative to sad.  The same is true in order to understand the impact of early childhood trauma and abuse on a child.  We need to first understand the impact of positive early childhood experiences in order to understand the impact of negative early childhood experiences.  With the comparison of this information, we can have insight into knowing how to parent and connect with a child who experienced early childhood trauma, abuse, and neglect.

            This article is designed first to give you the information of what happens when children are raised in environments of love and attunement and then to give you information on how to re-create interactions with an adopted child whose early life experiences were void of these positive experiences and tainted by trauma and abuse.  In order to heal the broken, we must first know what it looks like unbroken.  Tools for the adoptive parent are given in order to empower you as a parent to overcome, with your child, the effects of toxic caregiving many adopted children experience in orphanages or foster homes.

The Right Brain. 

The first relationship an infant is designed to experience is the relationship with his mother.  This relationship begins in the womb and is designed to continue at a high level of intensity for at least the next three years of the child’s life.  It is in these first three years that amazing development happens due to his mother’s attention, attunement, devotion, and connection with him.

            John Bowlby, considered the Father of Attachment Theory, identified this relationship between mother and child as critical to the development of a child’s ability to relate to others during his entire lifespan.  Bowlby stated that early life experiences create imprints that influence a child’s capacity to maintain healthy and secure relationships as an adult.  New research from neurological science reinforces this concept and shows that these early life experiences literally influence the development of a child’s neurological system and influence the circuit wiring of his brain. 

            According to Dr. Allan Shore, the “King” of affect regulation, the development of a child’s brain occurs primarily in the right brain the first few years of  life.  The right brain holds the capacity for emotional and nonverbal information processing while the left brain holds the capacity for language and logical processing.  Thus, for the infant and toddler, with no or limited language skills, communication happens primarily in the right brain.  These experiences occur at the emotional level, not at the cognitive or “thinking” level. 

            It is interesting to note that as adults, we operate from mainly our left brains.  We think logically and we use words to express ourselves—all left brain functions.  Yet, our babies and children are working from the opposite side of the brain.  If you observe a mother with her infant, she has shifted out of her left brain and into her right brain.  How logical is it to say, “Goo-goo-gaa-gaa?”  Yet, when seen in the context of the parent-child relationship, it is perfectly acceptable and, in fact, necessary, in order to connect with this a child because the child’s right brain needs emotional experiences. 

            As adults, it takes shifting back into our right brain, getting outside of being the adult, and meeting our child where he is at in order to create a healthy relationship.  As adoptive parents, we need to realize that the bond we are trying to build with our children, at whatever age, needs to happen at the emotional level first.  If we allow our children to experience what they missed with us in their early years—parenting from our right brains and being emotionally available and attuned—we will be creating an environment for healing and the development of meaningful relationships with our children.

             

Types of Communication. 

When a young child communicates with his mother, he experiences her being predictable and manipulatable.  For instance, if the baby smiles, his mother smiles back.  If the baby cries, his mother attends to him in a soft and soothing tone in order to calm him.  The child’s communication, while non-verbal, is used to make connection with his mother. 

There are three main forms of non-verbal communication prevalent between young children and their caregivers.  First, mothers and babies communicate through visual and facial expressions.  The child is reading his mother’s face and vise-versa, the mother is reading her child’s face.  The baby smiles, the mother smiles.  Through this communication, the baby develops a sense of coherence in his feelings.  If the baby smiles and the mother frowns and becomes upset, the baby becomes confused and distorted in his understanding of feelings.

Second, the mother and child make connection through physical touch and with gestures.  Think of the pleasant sensation you have when you touch a baby’s skin.  This is an important part of positive communication between parent and child.  The skin is the largest organ in the body.  It needs physical stimulation that is pleasant and enjoyable. This helps develop the child’s sensory system.  Children who are not touched or held are at risk of having sensory integration difficulties.

Third, the parent-child connection happens through the auditory senses whereby the mother’s tone of voice influences the child’s receptivity to his mother’s verbal communication.  The baby does not have the capacity to understand his mother’s words and vocabulary, thus the baby is comprehending verbal communication solely through his mother’s emotional tone of voice.  It is not what the mother is saying, but how she is saying it.  This verbal communication is essentially a function of the right brain, the feeling brain, not the left brain, the cognitive brain.

Through these non-verbal communications, the attachment system is being created by both the child and the mother.  In this attachment system, the mother is helping the child regulate his states of stress and fear.  The mother who attends to her child’s negative states is helping her child shift back into a positive state.  This is known as “affect synchrony.”  Affect synchrony is the regulatory means for developing and maintaining positive emotional states within the relationship of emotional communication.  Positive states are amplified and maximized for the child while negative states are minimized and neutralized for the child.

Regulatory Difficulties.

As babies and children experience these types of loving and calming interactions, their systems learn how to handle high levels of both positive and negative feelings.  Their internal neurological systems become equipped to calm down on their own.  Essentially, they begin to develop the ability to self-regulate. 

            For a child who misses these early positive experiences due to trauma, abuse, or neglect, he lacks the ability to read facial expressions and to feel a sense of internal security.  If his cries for help were either met with negative reactions from his parent, as in the case of abuse, or ignored by his parent, as in the case of neglect, the child quickly shifts from living in a state of love and peace to a state of fear and terror.  When children miss having the experience of a loving parent or caregiver who helps them calm down, their systems stay in a state of stress, unable to regulate back down to a calm state.  The result is a child who is very sensitive to stress and lacks the regulatory ability to calm down on his own.     

In severe cases, children living in these environments reach a state of absolute terror and plummet to a state of survival—life or death.  Their nervous systems remain in a constant state of stress and hyper-vigilance, unable to predict what type of reaction they are going to receive with each cry for help. Some children, characteristically those who are neglected, simply stop communicating and shut down from the world.

            Healing for these children happens when the adoptive parent can recreate positive experiences in order to give the children the experience of being soothed through the parent-child relationship.  The child’s nervous system needs to experience the state of calm arousal instead of staying in a state of perpetual hyper-arousal .  It takes parenting from a new understanding that says, “Children’s behaviors are a cry for regulation—a cry for relationship, not a cry for punishment and consequences.” 

The child does not know how to say, “Hey, mom!  I’m completely stressed out here!  I’m scared, in fact, I’m quite terrified because my world has been turned upside down and I need your help in soothing me-NOW!”  The only communication the child knows at this point in his development is misbehavior.  Thus, instead of parents working to extinguish and change the child’s negative behaviors, it becomes clear that the child needs to be soothed and comforted by his parent.  The child needs connection and needs interactions with his parents that provide safety, love, and security.

It takes going beyond the behaviors in order to create this necessary and essential parent-child bond.  As adoptive parents, we have to learn the rhythms and flows of our children and then modify our own to fit into a parent-child matching.  (For more information on how to do this while at the same time teaching children appropriate behaviors and maintaining boundaries, read Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control available at www.beyondconsequences.com).  The focus of parenting then shifts from the goal of changing behaviors to building relationships.  This is the essence of creating healing and safe homes in order to stabilize our children and prepare them for a future of peace, joy, and abundance. 

In the past, parenting focused on ways to decrease negative behaviors and negative emotions.  However, with this new understanding of brain development, we now see that parenting is about increasing positive emotions and creating positive experiences.  Parenting emotionally healthy children is about joy, not fear-based punishments.

Interactive Repair.

Interactive repair is the key to helping children heal from the effects of early childhood trauma.  Repair to the nervous system and to the child’s sense of self, safety, and security comes through interactions with his parent.  As the relationship develops between the two, through loving, safe, and kind experiences, the child learns to tolerate negative emotions and eventually develops his ability to self-regulate.  The key to this is the emotional availability of the parent and the intimacy offered by the parent, which is the central growth feature for all children. 

When the parent is calm, regulated, in a state of peace, and open to connecting emotionally with the child, this influences the child’s ability to shift into this state of regulation and calm.  Interactive repair is essentially a body to body connection.  In terms of these interactions, both the parent and the child are co-regulating their central nervous systems and their autonomic nervous systems. At a physiological level, the body is changing.  Cortisol levels are dropping; oxytocin is increasing.  Their endocrine systems and their immune systems are being regulated by the nature of their relationship.

Creating a Healing Environment.

            The number one person to help your adopted child is you.  Every interaction you have with your child is a healing moment—a moment for interactive repair—24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.   This is especially true during the difficult interactions when your child is demonstrating difficult behaviors. That is when he is most “raw” and needing you the most.  These are the healing moments we have traditionally missed!  Instead of punishing the behavior, step inside your child’s pain, join him in relationship, and give him understanding and the opportunity to experience love and regulation through your relationship with him.  Being mindful that his behaviors are requests for connection is essential to this process. 

            Be proactive in working to create experiences that build connection.  Here is a list of playful activities for creating secure attachments:

1. Carrying your baby
2. Rocking your child
3. Feeding your child
4. Talking (It’s not so much as what you say as how you say it—tone of voice)
5. Playing – letting the child lead the play experience
6. Hugging
7. Massage and gentle touch
8. Cuddling
9. Co-bathing (when age appropriate)
10.  Swimming (skin to skin contact)
11. Creating a life book
12. Giving your child his story
13. Playing “hide and seek” (recreating the coming and going experience)
14. Tickling
15. Wrestling (great for dads!)

Face to face play experiences feed the wiring of the brain.  Traditionally, we have underestimated the importance of play experiences in early human development.  For many children who have suffered trauma, abuse, and neglect, they do not know how to play.  Create these play experiences and you’ll be creating experiences that can truly repair the missing pieces from his past by changing his physiological system, decreasing his stress state, improving his relationship with you, and ultimately, creating the essential missing ingredient in his life:  joy!