Why Tokens Aren't Working

					"If you finish your chores today, you'll earn 5 more tokens and that will help you get to your goal of 25 by the weekend, Billy!" And Billy turns to his mother and says, "It's your damn house, you do the f***ing chores!", slams his door, and remains in his room the rest of the day. Using tokens as rewards or motivators for our adopted or foster children not only does not work, it often makes it worse. There are several reasons for this, all of which stem from one word: Trauma.
Trauma. Any child who has lost his biological family, either temporarily or permanently, has experienced trauma. The event or events that led to this trauma were experiences that rendered the child to feel powerless, hopeless, and/or helpless. The result of such vulnerable feelings shifts a child from a state of love to a state of fear. The child then lives from a belief system that says, "The world is unsafe. I must protect myself. No one can be trusted. I am in charge in order to protect myself. No one, and I mean no one, will tell me what to do!"When a parent is raising a child filled with fear already, adding more fear to a child through the threat of not earning tokens, can be completely ineffective and even disastrous. Brain science is showing that when children are in a state of fear, they are not operating out of their rational brains, the neocortex. Instead, they are operating from the limbic system, the emotional brain. Their decisions reflect their emotional state (fear in this example with Billy). Their interpretation of what you say to them will not be processed from a logical, sequential, or reasonable perspective. It will be processed from a perspective of fear and negativity. Thus, what Billy hears from the parent is this, "If you don't finish your chores, you won't get 5 more tokens and that means you are a failure and nobody loves you." Billy thinks in the negative, always. That's what trauma does to children. Additionally, Billy's ability to think sequentially has been compromised by trauma. Trauma happens by surprise, so children like Billy live in a hyper-vigilant place, where they have to live moment by moment. Life happens in the next 15 seconds! There is no future. They are too consumed protecting themselves in the now. They dedicate all their resources to ensuring their survival in this moment. Thus, when a parent says, "...and that will help you get to your goal of 25 by the weekend, Billy!", Billy cannot comprehend this type of sequential logic. In his world, the weekend does not even exist...there is no future. Logical and sequential language becomes confusing and irritating to him. The result is that Billy becomes more unsettled and his negative behaviors intensify. Children with histories of severe trauma literally do not have the wiring for sequential thinking in their brains because when the traumatic event(s) happened, they experienced chaos and overwhelm. Their worlds became scattered and disorganized. Nothing made sense. All stability was gone. Because this all happens during the developmental years of a child's life, the developing brain becomes wired in a haphazard and fragmented way. Additionally, the memory of the traumatic event gets stored in fragments. Billy's understanding of the world is not sequentially based and the result is that he has difficulties understanding "how the world works." This leaves Billy in a disorganized and dysregulated state until the trauma can be processed and released and until he can learn to understand the world in reality. Using tokens, point charts, stickers, or any other type of behavioral intervention does not address these deeper issues. These behaviorally based techniques are surface solutions. It's like putting a Band-Aid on a patient who is bleeding internally. Solution. What children like Billy need first is understanding. As parents, we have to start by understanding why Billy does what he does...why he reacts the way he reacts. We have to begin to trust that what our children do is perfectly logical--logical to them. When Billy says, "It's your damn house, you do the f***ing chores!", we need to get past the attitude, the cursing, and the defiance in order to get to the heart of the matter. We all agree this is inappropriate and needs to be changed, however if you try to correct Billy in the moment, you will find yourself getting sucked back into an all too familiar vortex of negativity and resistance. Read the meaning behind the words. What Billy really is saying is, "I lost my home. Nothing will ever substitute this lose, not even this home. I don't really belong here and I don't want to even try to belong here because then I would be at risk of losing again. I can't take any responsibility because that would mean I am placing myself in a position of being vulnerable again. And I can't afford to do that. It is too painful. It's much safer to argue and resist." Billy needs to experience what it feels like to be in a safe and loving relationship, above all other lessons he needs to learn. People in his past did not take responsibility for him, so he is naturally going to be resistant to taking responsibility in return. Focus on getting Billy back into a place of safety and back into a place of security before expecting him to pleasantly adhere to the requirements of your household. Use chores as an opportunity to build relationship and focus on the process of getting the chores complete. Offer to do the chores with him in order to create time with him. If he is still resistant, offer to do it for him, while he hangs out with you. Use this time just to connect, even if it means he is not helping. That will come later. Trust that if you focus on the relationship, Billy will eventually shift back to a place of helping when he gets more secure and more settled. Additionally, Billy needs to go back developmentally and learn how to think logically and sequentially. He most likely is not "just going to pick it up." It needs to learn to think in reality and rewire his brain to understand the logical flow of how the world operates. Billy needs instruction on learning that "if A happens, then B will follow, and that will result in C happening." This instruction cannot happen in the moment like in the beginning example; he is too tied to it emotionally. Billy has to be an observer in the instruction, not in the lead role where his fear will create resistance. There are various children's learning tools to teach sequential thinking and problem solving skills by reading stories or using picture cards. Using tools like these removes Billy from his own story and his own fears. They create needed distance (safety). Continual repetition of these teachings can help Billy to eventually learn how to integrate this thinking back into his own life. Yes, the "real" world does work on more of a token/reward system, but Billy is not ready for this real world...yet. Shifting your focus and your interpretation of Billy's negative behaviors will, ironically, better prepare him for the real-world in the years to come rather than what was shown with the opening example. Billy needs emotional safety, patience, and understanding to help him heal and to help him redefine his perspective of how the world works. In short, Billy needs your full abiding love instead of tokens of your love.
Heather T. Forbes, LCSW Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2, Dare to Love, and Help for Billy.

Perception is Everything

					I have recently had several phone consults with therapists  and case workers seeking advice on how to help children  exhibiting difficult behaviors. Listening to their  descriptions of these children has painfully reinforced to  me how one's perception of a child is paramount. It  directly influences whether the child has a chance for  healing or whether he will be targeted as the "problem"  before he even enters the starting gates.  Traditionally, when a child misbehaves, he is viewed as  the "Identified Patient" in therapy. The approach is to
describe the child's behaviors and then determine how to  "fix" or "change" the behaviors. While this traditional approach is designed to be accomplished from a strictly objective perspective, the reality is that the perspective taken is the adult's. Herein lies the problem. The behaviors are viewed through the lenses of the adult, not the child. The behaviors are viewed as acts against the adults, against the rules, and against what is age appropriate. When these behaviors do include the emotional context of the child, the interpretation of how the child is feeling is again viewed from the perspective of the adult, not the child. Let us take an example of a description of a 10-year-old boy to give more definition to the idea that perception is everything: Traditional View This is a 10-year-old boy who is out of control. He lives with his mother and stepfather. He demonstrates defiant and aggressive behaviors towards his stepfather. The child works hard to divide and conquer his mother and stepfather. This child is demanding all of the time. He sabotages everything that his mother tries to do to make things better for her son. He is dangerously manipulative at home and at school. His history includes abuse by his biological father. His mother left him with his father who physically and sexually abused him. However, this was years ago and his father's parental rights have been terminated. This child has been in a safe environment with his mother for the past five years, yet he continues to be destructive and his mother is exhausted. The family is looking at placing this child in a residential treatment center. Would this be the best course of action? New View  The description above is not an objective description of this child. It is judgmental. It is saying in short, "This child is acting badly and he needs to change." Some would even go so far as to say, "This is a bad child and he needs to be shape up or ship out." Instead, from the child's perspective, a more comprehensive and accurate description would be as follows: This is a 10-year-old boy in need of healing. He is communicating his level of fear and pain through his behaviors. Due to a past trauma history that has not been processed, heard, or understood, he is insecure, scared, and does not feel safe in his world. His behaviors towards his mother and stepfather are showing that he is scared of his mother abandoning him to another father. He is working to separate the mother from the stepfather in order to ensure his connection to his mother. He is scared she loves his stepfather more than she loves him. From this child's perspective, his mother left him to the abusive hands of his biological father. His mother did not keep him safe and he is trying to voice this to his mother through his behaviors. Additionally, he feels very unsafe with his stepfather (because of his history of being abused by his biological father). While his stepfather may be a loving and kind person, the child's perception from his past tells him differently. His aggressive behaviors towards the stepfather are reflective of this fear of being hurt by him. The child's philosophy is, "I will hurt you before you hurt me. I will NEVER be vulnerable or helpless ever again." The mother has been raising a child with challenging behaviors for several years now, doing the best she can but without much success. She is tired, frustrated, and worn down. She is more than likely not even wanting this child in her home because she is feeling unsafe and scared his behavior will split up her new marriage. With the correct perception, the answers about what to do and what not to do become clear. Sending this child away to a residential treatment center would only create more of what he is already fearing--abandonment. It would confirm his fear that his mother would choose his stepfather over him (as he would be the one sent away, not the stepfather). In short, this course of action would recreate the child's original trauma. This is an issue within the dynamics of the family, not with the child alone. First course of treatment would be to work with the mother to help her get back to a place of recapturing her desire to be a mother to this child, flushing out her guilt for what happened in the past, and allowing her space to acknowledge her feeling like an unsuccessful parent. She needs support, love, and validation, as well as education to understand what is driving her child's behaviors. This child needs help in processing the past trauma with his father. He needs to be able to express the helplessness, powerlessness, and hopelessness that occurred during that time. He also needs to have a voice about his current fears and have these received by his mother in order to create more security in their relationship. He needs empathy instead of blame. One of my favorite quotes of all time is from Dr. Wayne Dyer: "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." For this little boy, when we change the way we look at his behaviors, it changes everything. His acting out begins to make perfect sense. Perception is truly EVERYTHING. If we are going to effectively help our children, we must first see and feel things from their perspective. Once we understand what is driving the child's behavior, the "what to do" will unfold with clarity. Press on, Heather T. Forbes, LCSW Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2, Dare to Love, and Help for Billy.

Your Child is Misbehaving, Are You Listening?

					Your Child is Misbehaving, Are You Listening? By: Heather T. Forbes, LCSW When reviewing records of many of the children with whom I work, I am forever perplexed at one particular notation I continually see written by therapists and counselors. Under the list of negative traits of the child, it is often written, "Child exhibits attention-seeking behaviors."
I strongly believe that children seek attention because they NEED attention. Nature has designed children to be completely dependent on their parents at the moment they are born. A baby crying is the signaling to the parent the baby has a need, a need that the baby cannot satisfy on his own. The baby is indeed exhibiting attention-seeking behaviors. The natural flow of the developmental journey of a child is to gradually release this need for attention, moving from a state of dependence to a state of balanced independence. The time period for this is about 18 years. We are the only animals in the animal kingdom that have our children under our care for this length of time. Expecting our children to not need our attention or to view it as a negative behavioral issue during these 18 years goes against our biology. When children do not know how to verbally express their needs (which is predominately the case during early childhood), they "speak" through their behaviors. In other words, behavior is a form of communication. When a parent can stop, pause, and "listen" to the behavior of a child, it can become quite obvious what the child is saying. Looking at the behavior from an objective perspective also unveils the logic behind the child's behavior. Here is a list of ten behaviors along with an interpretation of each behavior to demonstrate this: Slamming Doors. When a child begins slamming doors, it is an indication that he does not feel like he is being heard. By slamming a door, he is making loud noises, hence forcing the parent to "hear" him. He is essentially saying, "I need to have a voice and I need you to listen to me now!" Cursing. Most children know that they should not curse. They use profanity to jar the parent's nervous system into listening. It is a way to get a parent to respond to the child, even if the response is negative. The child's fear of not being good enough for the parent to pay attention to him, is also playing out in such a scenario. Shutting Down. A child who shuts down, refuses eye contact, walks away, or gives the parent the silent treatment is a child who is overwhelmed. We have traditionally labeled a child like this as defiant. This is a child who is saying, "Life is too big to handle. I'm shutting down my world in order to survive." Hitting Sibling. Sibling rivalry is more about the relationship between the child and parent than it is between two siblings. If a child is not feeling secure in his relationship with his parent(s), he will perceive the sibling as a threat to this relationship with the parent(s). Reacting against the sibling is the basic game of "King of the Hill" in order to win the attention of the parents. The child may receive negative attention from the parent ("Billy, stop picking on your brother!") but to a child, especially a child with a trauma history, any form of attention, whether positive or negative, is love. Challenging Authority. A child who challenges authority is a child who has lost his trust in authority figures. Look back into the child's history and you will likely see a child who was abused, neglected, or abandoned by someone who was supposed to care for and nurture the child. A child who fights having someone else in charge, is a child saying, "I can’t trust anyone. It is too much of a risk." Saying, "I hate you!". Such hurtful words directed towards a parent from a child are simply a window into the child's heart. The child is projecting his self-hatred and self-rejection back onto the parent. What he is communicating is, "I hate myself!" It is easier to hurt someone else than it is to feel the internal hurt within one’s own heart. Arguing About Everything. A child who argues about everything and anything is keeping the parent looped in a conversation in order to keep the parent attuned to him. He feels that if the parent were to stop talking with him, he would cease to exist. Arguing is his way of staying connected. It is a negative form of attachment. Laziness. Describing a child as being "lazy" is like calling a child crying in a crib a "cry baby." It is a gross misinterpretation of the child. Laziness is typically a sign of a child who experienced helplessness early in his childhood; it is a learned behavior. Neglect happens when a child tries to elicit attention from his caregiver and the result is nothing. No attention. No help. Zilch. The child learns that his energy does not produce results and as he grows older and gets challenged by life, he will simply shut down and do nothing. He is saying, "My efforts don't produce results so therefore I won't even try." Pushing Every Boundary. Many children have such intense behaviors that the adults around them in the past demonstrated a lack of ability to handle them or an unwillingness to stick with them. When parents find the child pushing every boundary, every rule, and every limit, the child is asking, "Can you really handle me?" and "You say you're my parent, but I need to know you're not going to give up on me so I will test you to make sure you really are committed before I put any trust into you!" Becoming Unglued During Transitions. Trauma happens by surprise and when it happens, there is typically a major change in the child's life. It is transitional trauma. The aftermath of such traumatic experiences is that the child becomes fearful of EVERY transition, whether large or small. A child's belief around transitions becomes, "Something bad is going to a happen. Guaranteed." Past traumatic experiences create the black and white thinking that "All change equals pain." When a parent sees a child's negative behaviors intensifying during a transitional time, the parent needs to remember that the child is saying, "I'm so scared that my entire world is going to fall apart in a flash just like it did in the past!" When parenting a child with challenging behaviors on a day-to day basis, it is easy to lose sight of the idea that behavior is the language of a child. Negative behaviors are tiring! Keep taking care of yourself and keep your cup filled so that you have enough space inside of you to keep looking beyond the behaviors and listening to the behaviors instead of reacting to the behaviors. The parent/child relationship is a dyad - a two-part system. Remember that your behavioral response also signals a communication to your child. Thus, it is imperative for you to stay mindful and attuned. Give enough attention to yourself as to stay in a place of love so you are always speaking the language of truth, love, and acceptance to your child in return.
Heather T. Forbes, LCSW Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2, Dare to Love, and Help for Billy.

Getting to the Conversation Behind the Conversation

						Q: I have a daughter who gets very angry when I try to correct her or remind her of basic household rules. I'm trying to stay calm, breathe, and think about what is driving her behavior, but I still can't seem to enforce the rules without her blowing up completely (for example, asking her not to have food and drinks around her laptop). When we are both calm later on, she isn't open to talking about her feelings. I don't know what else to do.
A: When our children can't express their feelings, we have to become vulnerable and open to them first. This, in turn, gives them the permission and safety to explore themselves at the emotional level. If you are not being emotionally expressive, then she is not going to know how or feel safe enough to do this. Your job is to break the barrier. When you come back after an incident when you are both calm, instead of talking just about the logistics of what happened, explore the incident at an emotional level from the perspective of your heart. For many children, however, the connection may need to happen more "in the moment" when they are raw, hurting, and already in an emotional state. Giving her permission to be angry right then, will paradoxically keep her from having to get explosive. Any child who cannot accept corrections or simple feedback is a child who has deep fears of being rejected. Such a child lives with an internal belief system that says she is not good enough nor is she lovable. Her response to anyone in authority is driven from an unwavering stance of: "I will never be rejected again. I will never allow anyone to be in charge of me. I will never get hurt again." When she gets angry, which really means she is scared, address her internal belief system by flowing with what she is saying. "Dance" with her reactivity. Immerse yourself by listening to the conversation behind the conversation, not in a controlling way, but in a loving way. For example:
	Mom: "I need you to move and eat your snack in the kitchen, please. That is the rule and that is what we agreed upon earlier." Daughter: [Firing back immediately] "Why do I have to move to the kitchen? I'm fine doing my work right here. I'm not going to spill anything. How come every time I'm doing something, you have to interrupt me? I'm doing my homework; so just let me do this without bothering me! Just leave me alone." Mom: [Pausing and breathing] "I know. It's really hard when I come in here. It is hard when I correct you, isn't it?" [Mom sits down, but not too close to her daughter and starts breathing to calm her own nervous system.] Daughter: "What are you doing? I just want you to leave me alone right now." Mom: "I know [Pausing and taking a deep breath]...I know. [Slowing down her speech] I have to hold the rule but more importantly, I need to make sure you're okay." [Mom is shifting from her head and into her heart] Daughter: "I'm fine. I just need you to leave me alone. Please just GO somewhere. You always tell me you need me to do well in school. So now I'm trying to do my homework and you're bothering me. Will you please leave?" Mom: [Pausing and taking a deep breath] "How is school going?" [Mom uses a gentle tone of voice with authentic concern] Daughter: [no answer] Mom: "School is a lot of pressure. It's a lot of work and I think I've been putting more pressure on you to do well, haven't I?" Daughter: "Yeah." [with a sarcastic tone] Mom: [Ignoring the sarcastic tone but heading into the conversation with curiosity and concern] "What class is your toughest?" Daughter: "Math. It’s boring." Mom: "You really don't like it, do you?" Daughter: "No, it's stupid!" And the conversation continues and shifts to issues surrounding school...
The mom in this dialogue stays very present and brings down her daughter's stress and anger by not reacting to the surface conversation. The mom could sense that her daughter's issue was more about school by the response her daughter gave immediately when asked to move to the kitchen. The real issue wasn't about the drinks being close to the computer. Instead, the mom worked to listen to the conversation behind the conversation. The mom was able to hear that her daughter was stressed and worried about school. The fear of not measuring up, not being good enough, and not being acceptable were the other driving forces around the daughter's disrespectful responses to her mother. Once the daughter's concerns of school are fully heard, validated, and explored, then the mom would be able to return to the issue of the drinks and the computer. The boundary is still held in place, but more importantly, the daughter now has a greater sense of being worthy, loved, and understood by her mother. Enter into these types of dialogues with the agenda of "knowing" your child verses "changing" your child. Respect, courtesy, and compliance will flow more naturally from a deep internal space from a child when the relationship is emotionally safe, secure, and loving. Press on to get to the conversation behind the conversation!
Heather T. Forbes, LCSW Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2, Dare to Love, and Help for Billy.

Fear of Rejection Rules

						Q: My six-year old son can typically get his favorite aunt to laugh. The other day, however, he couldn't get her to laugh and he switched on a dime from a joking child with her to an angry child at me. There are so many dynamics in my extended family and he is with us due to a bad situation. He is actually my nephew. With all these family layers and with him rejecting me and blaming me for ruining his life, how do I keep myself from falling into all these dynamics? A: For your son, getting his aunt to laugh at him means that he is finally loved and has connection. When he couldn't get her to laugh, his entire world fell apart. It was this drastic. For a child
with a high sensitivity to being rejected, one missed connection can turn into complete collapse. His anger stemmed from the feeling of being rejected. His jokes weren't working so therefore she didn't love him anymore. Then he turned on you in a self-protective response to reject you in order not to get hurt again. As his mom, you have the closest relationship with him, which is also the most vulnerable relationship. Rejection is a self-protective response, a survival response. You have to stay very connected to yourself in order not to get pulled into the chaotic vortex within your family. When you are able to stay so strong in who you are, you no longer need anybody else's approval. You cannot change your brother, your sisters, or any of the other relatives. You don't have to solve their issues or convince them that you are doing the right thing, ever. You have permission to stay in a place of love and respect for yourself (even if nobody else can do this in your family). When you are raising a child as difficult as your nephew, living in this framework is needed for self-preservation. Starting here is the place for finding peace and freedom in your home without feeling like you are trapped or stuck with the situation. Ultimately, you will then move to a place of self-love and that is the gift of the chaos and challenge that has unfolded in your family. What this means is, when your son comes up to you after not being able to get his aunt to laugh and starts agitating you, you can be able to connect with his rejection instead of feeling rejected yourself. You can step back from feeling like your son is diminishing you. Step back, not from a place of detaching from him, but step back to realize and literally "feel" what he is feeling. This is the moment to say to yourself, "This is my chance not to be explosive, but to find myself in this chaos." This takes a tremendous amount of self-discipline and self-awareness. When your child starts badgering you, you don't have to become what he is and what he is projecting onto you. Be cautious though, because you cannot detach and be calm from a place of ignoring him or retreating away from him because this will typically ignite him even more. If he senses you are not present with him and have emotionally detached from him, then the same dynamic of being rejected has now been created for him once again. This requires going "head to head" with him but not from a place of power and control but from a place of love, passion, and willingness to be in his pain. What does this look like?
	Child: "You're just mad because you wish you were my mom. I already have a mom." Mom: "You're right, I'm not your mom." Child: "That's right. You just wanna be!" Mom: "I just want to love you..." (gets cut off by child) Child: "I'm not part of this family anyway!" You're just trying to get rid of me. Nobody loves me in this family anyhow." Mom: "Is that what it feels like? (pause) It feels that way, doesn't it sweetheart?" Child: "Yes, because I know it is true. You just want to get rid of me. Everybody wants to get rid of me. I'm not a part of this family." Mom: "I'm..." (gets cut off again by the child) Child: "I'm not a part of this family. You just love everyone more." Mom: "Everybody else just gave up on you, didn't they? That can't feel good." Child: "Yes, it is your fault!" Mom: "Tell me what I did. You're not in trouble, what did I do to make this so bad for you?" Child: "You took me away from my mom. Mom wanted to have me and you took me." Mom: (pause)..."What else? What else did I do?" Child: "You yell at me, you get me in trouble, you always want me to work, you don't want me to play with friends." Mom: "And it doesn't feel like I love you, does it?" Child: "You don't." Mom: "It feels like I ruined your life. Tell me that, 'Mom, you ruined my life!'" Child: "You did...you RUINED my life!" Mom: "I'm sorry it is so hard. Tell me more. I need to know how hard this is for you. Sometimes I do yell at you, sometimes I ignore you, we fight, and we don't get along. I don't know how hard it is for you to be in this family and not feel loved."
Mom engages by asking for the anger and she is doing it in an authentic manner. She put aside the fact that the child blamed her for everything, she did not have to defend herself, and she was strong enough in herself to know that she is a good mom and that she is doing exactly what her child needs whether or not he agrees with her or not. It is not the parent's job to convince this child. That is the child's process that he will have to find his way through in his own timing and later once a more rational discussion can be developed between mom and child. Love yourself enough to reach your child's heart and pain when he is most "raw." You don't have to defend, justify, or rationalize the situation at the moment. The role of the parent is simply to absorb the pain, not fix the child, convince the child, but to simply allow the space for anger and pain. This is a child who is terrified, simply terrified, of you leaving him. When you can feel this fear and understand it, it will keep you in your heart and in a place of regulation, compassion, and love for your child. That's where healing happens. Press on,
Heather T. Forbes, LCSW Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2, Dare to Love, and Help for Billy.

Stressful Fun

Q: My 15-year-old daughter can have a great fun family day and then predictably follow-up with a major meltdown. While I understand that these great times are also extremely stressful times, can you give me specific suggestions on how to prepare her for these fun times and manage these times better to avoid the meltdowns afterwards?  A: Preparation ahead of time will help your daughter to create more safety and predictability around a fun event. At 15 years old, she is cognizant enough to be taught why this happens and how her system reacts to such events, even fun events.

Draw the graph of the Window of Stress Tolerance (See Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control, Volume 2 for an entire illustrated chapter on the Window of Stress Tolerance). Explain to her how these types of events can stress out her system. Help her to accept herself with the knowledge that these types of events with numerous people and lots of stimulation, are putting her in a place of overwhelm. She is simply reaching her breaking point. Even though these events are fun, the fact remains that the environment is different, there are people she may not know, the activities may be new, and the location is unfamiliar. All of these variables are going to be a threat to her. This will require her to work exceptionally hard to maintain her regulation during the event. By the time she returns home from “fun,” her nervous system is overloaded and overextended. Thus, the “meltdown” becomes her only choice. It is incredibly empowering to help a child understand why this happens and why her system is easily overwhelmed. Additionally, give her as much information ahead of time as to what to expect. Is this a birthday party? Are you going to the bowling alley, to a park for a picnic, or over to an unfamiliar home? Who is going to be there? What is going to be happening? What kind of activities will she be asked to join into? Help her in her mind’s eye to be able to create this new environment and to experience it ahead of time. Help her to walk through in advance as to what to expect and create a sense of familiarity with her. The goal is to decrease surprises and increase her sense of knowing. Give your daughter a plan of action. At any time that she is at this event, invite and encourage her to come to you if she is feeling overwhelmed. Give her the permission to come to you and seek you for regulation. She needs this, even at 15 years old, because emotionally she is much younger. Give her the option of taking a break from the event. Jointly, you two can create an “escape” plan ahead of time. Perhaps the plan is to go with her to the car and leave the event temporarily (reassuring her that she can go back when she is ready). You can help her to regulate by taking some deep breaths, listening to music, or talking and reconnecting within the context of your relationship with her, away from the event. Essentially, you’ll be giving her a “time-in” in order to return back to a state of calm and balance. Interrupting the fun for just a few moments may be exactly what she needs in order not to reach her breaking point by the end of the event. Instead of a three-hour long party that taxes her nervous system to her meltdown edge, she will be able to take a break from the constant barrage of activity, regroup, reregulate, and maintain a stronger sense of balance throughout. Relate this to your own experiences. Many of us absolutely need this type of interruption from intense activities, even as adults. If we are at a stimulating event, we naturally find ourselves taking a break outside, checking our phone, or disconnecting in some other way, momentarily, to regroup ourselves. As a parent, we have to also realize that when we return home, as much as we do to help our children during the event, they might have to struggle. If you come back home and expect her to be okay, you are setting yourself up for frustration and disappointment. She may not be able to come back home easily and comfortably, despite your best efforts. Lower your expectations according to what is her normal and to what is her nervous system’s capability. If you are expecting her to come home and to be okay and she is not, then you have created a very large gap between her reality and your reality. Press on and I hope you are able to have fun times, with minimal “aftermath.” We all deserve to have more fun in your families. So, be courageous and keep reintroducing joy back into your life! Love never fails! Press on,

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2, Dare to Love, and Help for Billy.

Giving Your Children Their Story

Reclaiming the Love of Learning

Reclaiming the Love for Learning   Children are vulnerable. In an optimal environment, they are not expected to experience this vulnerability until later in life when their minds and nervous systems are equipped to handle elevated levels of fear, stress, and overwhelm. Yet, the key phrase here is "optimal environment." Unfortunately, we live in the "real" world, so children will often find themselves in situations that are far from the optimal and the result can be childhood trauma.

Childhood trauma happens at both the emotional and psychological level and it can have a negative impact on the child's developmental process. During a traumatic event (abuse, neglect, adoption, accidents, birth trauma, etc.), the lifelong impact is even greater if the child believes he powerless, helpless, and hopeless. When a child experiences one or all of these feelings, he begins to believe the world is dangerous. Repeated experiences of these feelings will create a lasting imprint from which he operates and behaves. A framework based in fear and survival becomes the child's viewpoint of the world around him. These early life experiences then influence the child's ability to "behave," or more correctly expressed, the child's ability to stay "regulated." Trauma impacts a child's ability to stay calm, balanced, and oriented. Instead, children with traumatic histories often find themselves in a "dysregulated" state, which manifests into a child who does not behave, cannot focus, and/or lacks motivation. It is not a matter of choice or a matter of "good" child verses "bad" child; it is simply an imprint from the child's past history. It's the child's new normal. When working with children like this in the classroom, the most effective way to work with them is to work at the level of regulation, relationship, and emotional safety instead of at the level of behavior. These children's issues are not behavioral; they are regulatory. Working at the level of regulation, relationship, and emotional safety addresses more deeply critical forces within these children that go far beyond the exchanges of language, choices, stars, and sticker charts. Traditional disciplinary techniques focus on altering the left hemisphere through language, logic, and cognitive thinking. These approaches are ineffective because the regulatory system is altered more effectively through a different part of the brain known as the limbic system. The limbic system operates at the emotional level, not at the logical level. Therefore, we must work to regulate these children at the level of the limbic system, which happens most easily through the context of human connection. When the teacher says to a non-traumatized child, "Andy, can you please settle down and quietly have a seat?" Andy has the internal regulatory ability to respond appropriately to his teacher because trauma has not interrupted his developmental maturation of developing self-regulation tools and feeling like he is safe in the world. However, when Billy (the traumatized child) is asked the same question, his response is much different. He takes the long way around the classroom to his seat, he continues to not only talk but projects his voice across the room as if he is still out in the playground, and once seated continues to squirm and wiggle. Traditionally, we have interpreted Billy as a disruptive child, pasted the label ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) onto him, and reprimanded him for his "naughty" behavior. What we have failed to see is that Billy cannot settle down on his own. His internal system has not experienced the appropriate patterning to know how to be well behaved like his classmate Andy and Billy does not know he is safe in this world, even if he is now in a safe environment. The brain-body system is a pattern-matching machine. A child with little internal self-control will pattern himself according to his past external experiences. If his past experiences have been chaotic, disruptive, and overwhelming (trauma), he will continue acting this way until new patterns are established. Thus, a child coming into a calm and safe classroom is still likely to be acting as if he is in his previous chaotic and unsafe environment. A child can be taken out of trauma but not so easily can the trauma be taken out of the child. Past patterns of chaos are now the current framework for navigating his world; he knows no different. The most effective way to change these patterns comes through safe, nurturing, attuned, and strong human connection. For the student in the classroom, it comes through the teacher-student relationship. The reality is, for our traumatized children to learn and achieve academically, science is showing that they must be engaged at the relational level prior to any academic learning. Press on,

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2, Dare to Love, and Help for Billy.

When Siblings Become Traumatized

					Q: For the past three years, our 16-year-old daughter, Jackie, has had to deal with the complete chaos of her younger adopted sister who was severely traumatized before we adopted her. Jackie was an only child before my husband and I adopted and my world revolved around Jackie. We lived a relatively peaceful, fun, and happy life. All of that drastically changed once her sister entered our family. I realize now that Jackie has been traumatized by the disruption, fear, and struggles our family has endured. What can I do to help my daughter, without dismissing the trauma she has gone through?
A: You're exactly right when your say Jackie's trauma of living with a severely traumatized younger sister cannot be dismissed. In fact, her experience needs to be maximized and brought to the surface in order for her to find healing. Jackie needs the emotional space to be heard and to be understood. However, listening to your daughter's challenges can easily evoke feelings of guilt, shame, and perhaps, resentment in you. When this happens, all too often, parents inadvertently stop listening and work to minimize or stop their child's pain, closing off this child's needed opportunity to have a voice. The first place to start is to realize that you cannot fix Jackie's experiences from the past three years. What is, is. Yet, what you can do is work to understand her experiences (getting into her shoes) and giving her the time, patience, and emotional space to discharge ALL of her feelings. It takes being willing to commiserate with her and allowing her to express her story, not just at the cognitive level, but at the emotional level. Absorbing her pain means not responding in a defensive or a minimizing manner and not giving her solutions for the moment (that can come later). A conversation might sound something like this: Mom: "Sweetheart, there is something that I haven't recognized about your life. I haven't seen how difficult it has been for you since your sister came home. For the last three years, especially when she came home, I probably ignored you sometimes, I didn't pay the same amount of attention to you, and I wasn't there for you." Jackie: "You just care for her more than you do for me!" Mom: "Is that what it feels like?" Jackie: "Yes! She gets ALL the attention. You sleep with her, you cater to her every need, and you spend all your time with her." Mom: "I do. And where does that leave you?" Jackie: "With NOTHING! Everything I ever had is gone. I'm MAD. I'm so tired of her. I'm tired of her meltdowns. I want it to go back to the way it was before she was here. I don't want it to be this way." Mom: "I hear you, honey. Tell me more. Tell me how hard this has been for you because I've expected you to be the grown up in this. Tell me how that's not fair to you." Jackie: "It isn't fair. She embarrasses me. She can't do anything. WE can't do anything and our whole life is centered around everything that SHE ever does. We can't do anything we used to do. Everything is different. I just want it to go back; I just want it to go back to the way it was before." Mom: "I know....." (quietly pausing and working to stay present with her daughter) Jackie: "I'm angry." Mom: "Are you angry at me and dad for doing this? Tell me. I can handle your anger. I want you to give it all out to me. I haven't known how angry you are at me...I'm okay with it. Tell me 'I'm mad at you, mom!'" Jackie: "I'm AM mad at you! I'm mad at everything. I hate that you and dad did this to me. Why didn't you love me enough not to mess up my entire life??!!?" This conversation might need to continue for a while, each time with mom "dancing" with whatever her daughter says in return, allowing her daughter to lead the conversation. Yet, the most important part of such a dialogue is that it happens with emotional intensity, at the heart level. Allowing Jackie the safety of a parent who is present and working to just listen, will allow her to discharge her anger, pain, and frustration now and not in the heat of a difficult moment when her sister is melting down. But perhaps you are saying that you've tried this and these types of conversations happen over and over without movement forward. If this is the case, then you have to dig deeper. Are you stopping your daughter at any level? Are you really able to handle her anger and pain? What feelings inside of you are coming up when she is expressing? Guilt? Fear of the future? Helplessness? Feeling the depth of your child's pain in these moments, coupled with your own dark feelings that have not been honored or expressed, will shut you down. Your daughter will feel this. Thus, her expression is not being heard and she stays stuck in her healing process. When this is the case, conversations like the one above will keep looping and looping, keeping everyone in a state of victimhood. You have to allow your pain to be felt, honored, and understood. In order for you to feel your child's pain, you have to feel your own pain first. This can be scary. It may seem that if you feel the depth of pain within you, opening up the floodgates, you won't be able to parent effectively and you won't be able to pull it together. Ironically, this is exactly what keeps parents from being able to parent the way their children need them to. Parents have to go deep within the caverns of their own hearts. They have to own and acknowledge their own pain. Parents have to stay in their hearts; that is where their children are living. Effective parenting ultimately comes from self-love, self-discovery, and self-understanding. Love yourself through your pain in order to get to the depth of your child's pain. Healing resides within this powerful dynamic. And remember, it isn't always about "fixing" the situation with your child. The "fixing" comes from listening, giving your child a voice, and simply being present. Press on,
Heather T. Forbes, LCSW Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2, Dare to Love, and Help for Billy.

Compassion Leads to Happiness

Q: I have two children who have been a constant struggle for the past 8 years. Each suffered emotional and physical abuse, as well as neglect for the first 3 or 4 years of their lives. Our whole family continues to spiral and loop in a pool of frustration, chaos, and tension. I’ve never been so unhappy in my entire life and I find myself unable to be as compassionate at this point. A: My experience has shown that much of the loss of happiness with parents raising challenging children is due to the loss of compassion. Research has linked the state of happiness to one’s ability to be compassionate. In a study using EEG and FMRI’s, researchers studied a highly trained monk. They first measured the brain of the monk in a resting state to generate baseline brain activity. Then the monk was asked to perform an intensive meditation on compassion. The results showed that during this state of compassion, there was a dramatic shift in his prefrontal function, lighting up the “happiness” region of the brain.

Just the thought of being compassionate can evoke feelings of happiness. When we are concerned and connected to others, we have a sense of well being within ourselves. Unfortunately, most parenting approaches are grounded in a belief that if the child is obedient and well behaved, then the parent can be happy and the family is functioning. This approach places all of the responsibility onto the child and I deeply believe this is unhealthy and creates a dysfunctional family system. It is never the child’s responsibility to make the parent happy nor can the child's behavior be used to determine the health of the family system. Many problems in a family are caused at the most fundamental level by distortions of perception and negative interpretations of situations. It takes changing to a new perspective and for the parents to take responsibility for their state of emotions, despite the behavior of their children. One antidote to this begins with understanding the very nature of early childhood trauma (developmental trauma) and the lifelong effects it has on our children. Trauma never goes away completely. Be sure to educate yourself from the child’s perspective as to why they do what they are doing and what it means to live in a perpetual state of fear and overwhelm (My OnDemand parenting class is a great way to get yourself into this place of understanding for your children and it is available for immediate download: www.beyondconsequences.com/ondemand/parenting.php). A new perspective of your children can return you back to a place of compassion. Compassion will then return you back to a place of joy, amusement, and happiness. Compassion is essential to our well-being…it is the pinnacle of human emotions. Compassion is the openness to the suffering of another, combined with the wish that they be freed from their suffering. It moves us to be understanding, kind, affectionate, tolerant, warm-hearted, and caring. Compassion is love. Research shows that individuals are more likely to experience compassion for those who they perceive as similar to them in some way. If you can relate to your children’s struggles, rather than view them as outright disobedient or disrespectful, you will be more apt to help them move past their struggles and be more effective in creating an environment of healing. Most importantly, if your family is in a negative spiral, you have the ability to pull out of this vortex. It doesn’t have to hold you captive. There is now substantial evidence that shows we can train our minds to overcome negative emotions. We can be in charge of our happiness, despite our life circumstances. The amygdala is involved with anxiety and fear, which creates the feeling of unhappiness. However, studies have shown that you can counteract the reaction of the amygdala…you’re not powerless anymore! You have the ability to make your life work for you. It takes regaining hope and a practice of compassion. The next time you begin to feel overwhelmed or realize you’re unhappy, say to yourself, “I’m not powerless anymore.” Change your pattern. Don’t allow your child’s negative state to fire your amygdala. Don’t allow him to shift you into stress and fear. Don't give up your personal power anymore. Just give it a try! Love is available in all circumstances and at any moment of any day. There is a way to help your children get beyond the negative behaviors and remain happy at the same time! Press on,

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2, Dare to Love, and Help for Billy.

Is my child 16 years old or 2 years old?

					Q: My seven year old son has a history marked by trauma and while I understand this has set him up to act differently, I still find myself so frustrated with him! On one hand, he is so intelligent and gifted (his teacher describes him as "more gifted than the gifted kids"), yet on the other hand, he can't seem to comprehend what I say to him (or he just plain isn't listening to me!). He seems so mature intellectually yet acts like a two year old when things don't go his way. How do I parent a child who is 16 years old one minute and a two year old the next? It's maddening!
A: Children who are raised in predictable environments with consistent caretaking experience the world as both safe and good. They learn to trust themselves and to trust their emotions. They trust others and the world at large. They develop confidence in their ability to think and feel, no matter the situation at hand. However, children who are traumatized by abuse, neglect, and/or abandonment, do not develop such a coherent set of coping skills. They may spend all their resources and energy making certain they are safe since the caretakers around them are not. The lack of consistency and unpredictability in their lives interrupts their normal path of development. To demonstrate this, let's compare two children. First we have "Andy." Andy grew up in a nurturing and structured home. In fact, Andy’s womb experience was ideal. His mother took her prenatal vitamins, she exercised, she modulated her stress level, and she wanted to be pregnant and become a mother. Thus, by the time Andy is seven years old, he has reached his normal developmental milestones and is a high functioning, happy, and lovable child. Billy, on the other hand, has a history of abandonment, rejection, and unpredictability in his history. His mother didn't even want to be pregnant to begin with, so Billy entered the world feeling rejected and unwanted. At the age of seven years old, Billy is disorganized in his ability to navigate the world. He is capable in some areas yet shows massive deficits in other areas. Billy's development has been severely impacted by his life experiences. Here's a graph showing the difference between Andy's developmental path and Billy's developmental failures:
Here are six areas of development to consider for your child: Cognitive Development: Children who are limited in their cognitive ability will struggle the most to overcome trauma and will show patterns of quick regression. Other children become advanced in their cognitive thinking and are like the child in this question, labeled "more gifted than the gifted kids." These children will typically be difficult in their behaviors and act out with more intensity. Language Development: Due to the lack of safe and nurturing one-on-one care, a child's language development is hampered. This is especially true for children adopted internationally whose first language was not English. Language deficits impede understanding (thus it can feel like they aren't listening to you). Acting out becomes a form of expressive communication, as there are no words to simply say, "I'm mad!" or "I'm scared." Academic Development: Trauma impacts a child's attention span, ability to concentrate, and to organize. This makes it difficult even for a bright child like Billy to succeed in school. He can't keep track of his homework, his backpack is completely disorganized, and he has a difficult time sitting still in class and paying attention. The stress of academics can easily set a child back into feeling helpless (as when they were in the midst of their trauma), so instead of taking on the challenge of school, they simply give up and shut down. (For more information on helping your child in the school environment, click here.) Social Development: Social interactions have proven to be unsafe and dangerous to many children, so their ability to interact appropriately with peers can be severely compromised. They have lived in "survival" which leaves no room for considering the feelings of others. They need to be taught how to handle the stress of peer relations and may need an adult near them during social play (See Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control, Volume 2 for more direct ways to help children find safety in social interactions). Physical Development: Deprivation of not only food but of nurturing and sensitive caretaking often compromises a child's physical development. This is especially true for a child who was diagnosed as "Failure to Thrive." Emotional Development: While a child like Billy has a birth certificate that says he is seven, he will likely be extremely emotionally immature. He needs to experience safe and nurturing emotional interactions in order to rebuild his foundation. He needs emotionally sensitive caretaking to get back on track and regain the experiences his friend, Andy, has been given all along. Billy is all over the graph in his developmental path. Where is your child? Take the time to consider each of these areas for your child. If your child is more like a three year old emotionally, he needs to be met at this age in order to move forward in his development. Asking a child to respond with the emotional flexibility of a seven year old when he is only three years old in his development will prove to be maddening as a parent and more importantly, is unfair to the child. Children need to be accepted for who they are and for what their life experiences have created within them. Unconditional love requires us to get out of our own fears of "babying" our child in order to meet our child exactly at his developmental age. Be honest with yourself and objectively determine the actual capabilities of your child. When you are able to meet your child at his/her level of development, you are opening up the door to healing. Your child will feel more accepted, understood, and validated. This allows love to flow and for the parent/child relationship to be rebuilt. It is in the context of your loving relationship with your child that the graph of Billy can soon look closer to that of Andy. Children are resilient and are neurologically flexible. Healing, and thus behavioral change, takes a willingness to see a child for exactly who he is and to stop expecting him to be like the example of Andy, especially if the child has a traumatic history. For more information and an in-depth look at developmental trauma, click HERE to access my latest DVD series at a special internet price. Press on,
Heather T. Forbes, LCSW Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2, Dare to Love, and Help for Billy.

Does your child hate school? Let's make this different together.

Starts Tonight!

Join Heather T. Forbes, LCSW, live TONIGHT for her ONLINE "Beyond Consequences Classroom" course. Come as a guest to this first class. That's right, there is no charge to be a full participant in this beginning session! Click here to find out more.


5 Weeks of LIVE Support
Tuesdays: January 27 - February 24, 2015

Each of the 90 minute classes with meet at the following times on Tuesdays and you'll have a chance to ask YOUR questions each session:

Times:
                    9:00 p.m. Eastern
                    8:00 p.m. Central
                    7:00 p.m. Mountain
                    6:00 p.m. Pacific

Each Class is Recorded.

After each session, you will receive a link to download the MP3 recording of the live session. So if the times above are not convenient, you will never have to miss a session completely. Just download the recording and you will have all the information to listen to at your convenience. This also means you can build your library of resources and add each session to be able to have in the future.

This course will focus on the following school issues:

• How to Smooth School-Related Transitions
  
  
• How to Reduce Homework Battles
  
  
• What Yelling Does to a Child's Nervous System
  
  
• How to Create an IEP That Helps a Child Regulate
  
  
• What it Takes to Build the Parent/Teacher Relationship
  
  
• What Being Flexible Means Rather Than Being Rigid
  
  
• How to Awaken a Child's Internal Sense of Motivation
  
  
• Why Reactive Responses Create More Negativity
  
  
• How to Break the Negative Cycle in the Classroom
  
  
• How to Support Teachers Effectively
  
  
• How to Make the Playground a Positive Experience
  
  
• What is Driving a Child's Negative Behaviors
  
  
• How to Create the Beyond Consequences Classroom
  
  
• Why to Replace Time-Outs with Time-Ins
  
  
• Why External Controls Are Ineffective
  
  
• How to Engage a Resistant Child in Relationship
  
  
• Why Emotional Safety Increases Academic Success
  
  
• How to Close the Gap in Social Skills Deficits
  
  
• What Awakens a Child's Internal Control System
  
  
• How to Create Emotional Safety in the Classroom
  
  
• How Teachers Can De-Escalate Behaviors Immediately
  
  
• How to Effectively Replace Punishment with the Relationship
  

Heather's most recent book, Help for Billy will be the guide for this course and will bring this book to life. 

Register and Receive "Two-For-One"

If you decide to register for the entire class, the registration fee includes two people for the price of one. You and another support person (teacher, principal, guidance counselor, aide, husband, wife, partner, co-parent) will receive all five instructional sessions of LIVE interactive webinar training! This means if you are in two separate locations, you each will be able to log into all the sessions from different computers. This gives your child the abilitiy to have the people in his/her life working from the same framework to ensure the very best academic year. Click here to register for the entire 5-week class.

Take Action the Second Half of this School Year

Don't just "hope for the best" this second half of the school year for your child. There is a huge lack of understanding in how our children think, how they interprete the world, and how easily they collapse in the face of fear in the school environment. Take active measures to make this second half of the year successful.

Click HERE to sign up for tonight's complimentary first session.