Fear of Rejection Rules

						Q: My six-year old son can typically get his favorite aunt to laugh. The other day, however, he couldn't get her to laugh and he switched on a dime from a joking child with her to an angry child at me. There are so many dynamics in my extended family and he is with us due to a bad situation. He is actually my nephew. With all these family layers and with him rejecting me and blaming me for ruining his life, how do I keep myself from falling into all these dynamics? A: For your son, getting his aunt to laugh at him means that he is finally loved and has connection. When he couldn't get her to laugh, his entire world fell apart. It was this drastic. For a child
with a high sensitivity to being rejected, one missed connection can turn into complete collapse. His anger stemmed from the feeling of being rejected. His jokes weren't working so therefore she didn't love him anymore. Then he turned on you in a self-protective response to reject you in order not to get hurt again. As his mom, you have the closest relationship with him, which is also the most vulnerable relationship. Rejection is a self-protective response, a survival response. You have to stay very connected to yourself in order not to get pulled into the chaotic vortex within your family. When you are able to stay so strong in who you are, you no longer need anybody else's approval. You cannot change your brother, your sisters, or any of the other relatives. You don't have to solve their issues or convince them that you are doing the right thing, ever. You have permission to stay in a place of love and respect for yourself (even if nobody else can do this in your family). When you are raising a child as difficult as your nephew, living in this framework is needed for self-preservation. Starting here is the place for finding peace and freedom in your home without feeling like you are trapped or stuck with the situation. Ultimately, you will then move to a place of self-love and that is the gift of the chaos and challenge that has unfolded in your family. What this means is, when your son comes up to you after not being able to get his aunt to laugh and starts agitating you, you can be able to connect with his rejection instead of feeling rejected yourself. You can step back from feeling like your son is diminishing you. Step back, not from a place of detaching from him, but step back to realize and literally "feel" what he is feeling. This is the moment to say to yourself, "This is my chance not to be explosive, but to find myself in this chaos." This takes a tremendous amount of self-discipline and self-awareness. When your child starts badgering you, you don't have to become what he is and what he is projecting onto you. Be cautious though, because you cannot detach and be calm from a place of ignoring him or retreating away from him because this will typically ignite him even more. If he senses you are not present with him and have emotionally detached from him, then the same dynamic of being rejected has now been created for him once again. This requires going "head to head" with him but not from a place of power and control but from a place of love, passion, and willingness to be in his pain. What does this look like?
	Child: "You're just mad because you wish you were my mom. I already have a mom." Mom: "You're right, I'm not your mom." Child: "That's right. You just wanna be!" Mom: "I just want to love you..." (gets cut off by child) Child: "I'm not part of this family anyway!" You're just trying to get rid of me. Nobody loves me in this family anyhow." Mom: "Is that what it feels like? (pause) It feels that way, doesn't it sweetheart?" Child: "Yes, because I know it is true. You just want to get rid of me. Everybody wants to get rid of me. I'm not a part of this family." Mom: "I'm..." (gets cut off again by the child) Child: "I'm not a part of this family. You just love everyone more." Mom: "Everybody else just gave up on you, didn't they? That can't feel good." Child: "Yes, it is your fault!" Mom: "Tell me what I did. You're not in trouble, what did I do to make this so bad for you?" Child: "You took me away from my mom. Mom wanted to have me and you took me." Mom: (pause)..."What else? What else did I do?" Child: "You yell at me, you get me in trouble, you always want me to work, you don't want me to play with friends." Mom: "And it doesn't feel like I love you, does it?" Child: "You don't." Mom: "It feels like I ruined your life. Tell me that, 'Mom, you ruined my life!'" Child: "You did...you RUINED my life!" Mom: "I'm sorry it is so hard. Tell me more. I need to know how hard this is for you. Sometimes I do yell at you, sometimes I ignore you, we fight, and we don't get along. I don't know how hard it is for you to be in this family and not feel loved."
Mom engages by asking for the anger and she is doing it in an authentic manner. She put aside the fact that the child blamed her for everything, she did not have to defend herself, and she was strong enough in herself to know that she is a good mom and that she is doing exactly what her child needs whether or not he agrees with her or not. It is not the parent's job to convince this child. That is the child's process that he will have to find his way through in his own timing and later once a more rational discussion can be developed between mom and child. Love yourself enough to reach your child's heart and pain when he is most "raw." You don't have to defend, justify, or rationalize the situation at the moment. The role of the parent is simply to absorb the pain, not fix the child, convince the child, but to simply allow the space for anger and pain. This is a child who is terrified, simply terrified, of you leaving him. When you can feel this fear and understand it, it will keep you in your heart and in a place of regulation, compassion, and love for your child. That's where healing happens. Press on,
Heather T. Forbes, LCSW Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2, Dare to Love, and Help for Billy.

Giving Your Children Their Story

When Siblings Become Traumatized

					Q: For the past three years, our 16-year-old daughter, Jackie, has had to deal with the complete chaos of her younger adopted sister who was severely traumatized before we adopted her. Jackie was an only child before my husband and I adopted and my world revolved around Jackie. We lived a relatively peaceful, fun, and happy life. All of that drastically changed once her sister entered our family. I realize now that Jackie has been traumatized by the disruption, fear, and struggles our family has endured. What can I do to help my daughter, without dismissing the trauma she has gone through?
A: You're exactly right when your say Jackie's trauma of living with a severely traumatized younger sister cannot be dismissed. In fact, her experience needs to be maximized and brought to the surface in order for her to find healing. Jackie needs the emotional space to be heard and to be understood. However, listening to your daughter's challenges can easily evoke feelings of guilt, shame, and perhaps, resentment in you. When this happens, all too often, parents inadvertently stop listening and work to minimize or stop their child's pain, closing off this child's needed opportunity to have a voice. The first place to start is to realize that you cannot fix Jackie's experiences from the past three years. What is, is. Yet, what you can do is work to understand her experiences (getting into her shoes) and giving her the time, patience, and emotional space to discharge ALL of her feelings. It takes being willing to commiserate with her and allowing her to express her story, not just at the cognitive level, but at the emotional level. Absorbing her pain means not responding in a defensive or a minimizing manner and not giving her solutions for the moment (that can come later). A conversation might sound something like this: Mom: "Sweetheart, there is something that I haven't recognized about your life. I haven't seen how difficult it has been for you since your sister came home. For the last three years, especially when she came home, I probably ignored you sometimes, I didn't pay the same amount of attention to you, and I wasn't there for you." Jackie: "You just care for her more than you do for me!" Mom: "Is that what it feels like?" Jackie: "Yes! She gets ALL the attention. You sleep with her, you cater to her every need, and you spend all your time with her." Mom: "I do. And where does that leave you?" Jackie: "With NOTHING! Everything I ever had is gone. I'm MAD. I'm so tired of her. I'm tired of her meltdowns. I want it to go back to the way it was before she was here. I don't want it to be this way." Mom: "I hear you, honey. Tell me more. Tell me how hard this has been for you because I've expected you to be the grown up in this. Tell me how that's not fair to you." Jackie: "It isn't fair. She embarrasses me. She can't do anything. WE can't do anything and our whole life is centered around everything that SHE ever does. We can't do anything we used to do. Everything is different. I just want it to go back; I just want it to go back to the way it was before." Mom: "I know....." (quietly pausing and working to stay present with her daughter) Jackie: "I'm angry." Mom: "Are you angry at me and dad for doing this? Tell me. I can handle your anger. I want you to give it all out to me. I haven't known how angry you are at me...I'm okay with it. Tell me 'I'm mad at you, mom!'" Jackie: "I'm AM mad at you! I'm mad at everything. I hate that you and dad did this to me. Why didn't you love me enough not to mess up my entire life??!!?" This conversation might need to continue for a while, each time with mom "dancing" with whatever her daughter says in return, allowing her daughter to lead the conversation. Yet, the most important part of such a dialogue is that it happens with emotional intensity, at the heart level. Allowing Jackie the safety of a parent who is present and working to just listen, will allow her to discharge her anger, pain, and frustration now and not in the heat of a difficult moment when her sister is melting down. But perhaps you are saying that you've tried this and these types of conversations happen over and over without movement forward. If this is the case, then you have to dig deeper. Are you stopping your daughter at any level? Are you really able to handle her anger and pain? What feelings inside of you are coming up when she is expressing? Guilt? Fear of the future? Helplessness? Feeling the depth of your child's pain in these moments, coupled with your own dark feelings that have not been honored or expressed, will shut you down. Your daughter will feel this. Thus, her expression is not being heard and she stays stuck in her healing process. When this is the case, conversations like the one above will keep looping and looping, keeping everyone in a state of victimhood. You have to allow your pain to be felt, honored, and understood. In order for you to feel your child's pain, you have to feel your own pain first. This can be scary. It may seem that if you feel the depth of pain within you, opening up the floodgates, you won't be able to parent effectively and you won't be able to pull it together. Ironically, this is exactly what keeps parents from being able to parent the way their children need them to. Parents have to go deep within the caverns of their own hearts. They have to own and acknowledge their own pain. Parents have to stay in their hearts; that is where their children are living. Effective parenting ultimately comes from self-love, self-discovery, and self-understanding. Love yourself through your pain in order to get to the depth of your child's pain. Healing resides within this powerful dynamic. And remember, it isn't always about "fixing" the situation with your child. The "fixing" comes from listening, giving your child a voice, and simply being present. Press on,
Heather T. Forbes, LCSW Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2, Dare to Love, and Help for Billy.

Compassion Leads to Happiness

Q: I have two children who have been a constant struggle for the past 8 years. Each suffered emotional and physical abuse, as well as neglect for the first 3 or 4 years of their lives. Our whole family continues to spiral and loop in a pool of frustration, chaos, and tension. I’ve never been so unhappy in my entire life and I find myself unable to be as compassionate at this point. A: My experience has shown that much of the loss of happiness with parents raising challenging children is due to the loss of compassion. Research has linked the state of happiness to one’s ability to be compassionate. In a study using EEG and FMRI’s, researchers studied a highly trained monk. They first measured the brain of the monk in a resting state to generate baseline brain activity. Then the monk was asked to perform an intensive meditation on compassion. The results showed that during this state of compassion, there was a dramatic shift in his prefrontal function, lighting up the “happiness” region of the brain.

Just the thought of being compassionate can evoke feelings of happiness. When we are concerned and connected to others, we have a sense of well being within ourselves. Unfortunately, most parenting approaches are grounded in a belief that if the child is obedient and well behaved, then the parent can be happy and the family is functioning. This approach places all of the responsibility onto the child and I deeply believe this is unhealthy and creates a dysfunctional family system. It is never the child’s responsibility to make the parent happy nor can the child's behavior be used to determine the health of the family system. Many problems in a family are caused at the most fundamental level by distortions of perception and negative interpretations of situations. It takes changing to a new perspective and for the parents to take responsibility for their state of emotions, despite the behavior of their children. One antidote to this begins with understanding the very nature of early childhood trauma (developmental trauma) and the lifelong effects it has on our children. Trauma never goes away completely. Be sure to educate yourself from the child’s perspective as to why they do what they are doing and what it means to live in a perpetual state of fear and overwhelm (My OnDemand parenting class is a great way to get yourself into this place of understanding for your children and it is available for immediate download: www.beyondconsequences.com/ondemand/parenting.php). A new perspective of your children can return you back to a place of compassion. Compassion will then return you back to a place of joy, amusement, and happiness. Compassion is essential to our well-being…it is the pinnacle of human emotions. Compassion is the openness to the suffering of another, combined with the wish that they be freed from their suffering. It moves us to be understanding, kind, affectionate, tolerant, warm-hearted, and caring. Compassion is love. Research shows that individuals are more likely to experience compassion for those who they perceive as similar to them in some way. If you can relate to your children’s struggles, rather than view them as outright disobedient or disrespectful, you will be more apt to help them move past their struggles and be more effective in creating an environment of healing. Most importantly, if your family is in a negative spiral, you have the ability to pull out of this vortex. It doesn’t have to hold you captive. There is now substantial evidence that shows we can train our minds to overcome negative emotions. We can be in charge of our happiness, despite our life circumstances. The amygdala is involved with anxiety and fear, which creates the feeling of unhappiness. However, studies have shown that you can counteract the reaction of the amygdala…you’re not powerless anymore! You have the ability to make your life work for you. It takes regaining hope and a practice of compassion. The next time you begin to feel overwhelmed or realize you’re unhappy, say to yourself, “I’m not powerless anymore.” Change your pattern. Don’t allow your child’s negative state to fire your amygdala. Don’t allow him to shift you into stress and fear. Don't give up your personal power anymore. Just give it a try! Love is available in all circumstances and at any moment of any day. There is a way to help your children get beyond the negative behaviors and remain happy at the same time! Press on,

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2, Dare to Love, and Help for Billy.

Does your child hate school? Let's make this different together.

Starts Tonight!

Join Heather T. Forbes, LCSW, live TONIGHT for her ONLINE "Beyond Consequences Classroom" course. Come as a guest to this first class. That's right, there is no charge to be a full participant in this beginning session! Click here to find out more.


5 Weeks of LIVE Support
Tuesdays: January 27 - February 24, 2015

Each of the 90 minute classes with meet at the following times on Tuesdays and you'll have a chance to ask YOUR questions each session:

Times:
                    9:00 p.m. Eastern
                    8:00 p.m. Central
                    7:00 p.m. Mountain
                    6:00 p.m. Pacific

Each Class is Recorded.

After each session, you will receive a link to download the MP3 recording of the live session. So if the times above are not convenient, you will never have to miss a session completely. Just download the recording and you will have all the information to listen to at your convenience. This also means you can build your library of resources and add each session to be able to have in the future.

This course will focus on the following school issues:

• How to Smooth School-Related Transitions
  
  
• How to Reduce Homework Battles
  
  
• What Yelling Does to a Child's Nervous System
  
  
• How to Create an IEP That Helps a Child Regulate
  
  
• What it Takes to Build the Parent/Teacher Relationship
  
  
• What Being Flexible Means Rather Than Being Rigid
  
  
• How to Awaken a Child's Internal Sense of Motivation
  
  
• Why Reactive Responses Create More Negativity
  
  
• How to Break the Negative Cycle in the Classroom
  
  
• How to Support Teachers Effectively
  
  
• How to Make the Playground a Positive Experience
  
  
• What is Driving a Child's Negative Behaviors
  
  
• How to Create the Beyond Consequences Classroom
  
  
• Why to Replace Time-Outs with Time-Ins
  
  
• Why External Controls Are Ineffective
  
  
• How to Engage a Resistant Child in Relationship
  
  
• Why Emotional Safety Increases Academic Success
  
  
• How to Close the Gap in Social Skills Deficits
  
  
• What Awakens a Child's Internal Control System
  
  
• How to Create Emotional Safety in the Classroom
  
  
• How Teachers Can De-Escalate Behaviors Immediately
  
  
• How to Effectively Replace Punishment with the Relationship
  

Heather's most recent book, Help for Billy will be the guide for this course and will bring this book to life. 

Register and Receive "Two-For-One"

If you decide to register for the entire class, the registration fee includes two people for the price of one. You and another support person (teacher, principal, guidance counselor, aide, husband, wife, partner, co-parent) will receive all five instructional sessions of LIVE interactive webinar training! This means if you are in two separate locations, you each will be able to log into all the sessions from different computers. This gives your child the abilitiy to have the people in his/her life working from the same framework to ensure the very best academic year. Click here to register for the entire 5-week class.

Take Action the Second Half of this School Year

Don't just "hope for the best" this second half of the school year for your child. There is a huge lack of understanding in how our children think, how they interprete the world, and how easily they collapse in the face of fear in the school environment. Take active measures to make this second half of the year successful.

Click HERE to sign up for tonight's complimentary first session.

Going Beyond the Behaviors: How to Heal from the Impact of Early Trauma

In order to understand the meaning of tall, we need to understand the meaning of short.  To know if something is hot, we must be familiar with something cold.  Likewise, good is relative to bad, wet is relative to dry, and happy is relative to sad.  The same is true in order to understand the impact of early childhood trauma and abuse on a child.  We need to first understand the impact of positive early childhood experiences in order to understand the impact of negative early childhood experiences.  With the comparison of this information, we can have insight into knowing how to parent and connect with a child who experienced early childhood trauma, abuse, and neglect.

            This article is designed first to give you the information of what happens when children are raised in environments of love and attunement and then to give you information on how to re-create interactions with an adopted child whose early life experiences were void of these positive experiences and tainted by trauma and abuse.  In order to heal the broken, we must first know what it looks like unbroken.  Tools for the adoptive parent are given in order to empower you as a parent to overcome, with your child, the effects of toxic caregiving many adopted children experience in orphanages or foster homes.

The Right Brain. 

The first relationship an infant is designed to experience is the relationship with his mother.  This relationship begins in the womb and is designed to continue at a high level of intensity for at least the next three years of the child’s life.  It is in these first three years that amazing development happens due to his mother’s attention, attunement, devotion, and connection with him.

            John Bowlby, considered the Father of Attachment Theory, identified this relationship between mother and child as critical to the development of a child’s ability to relate to others during his entire lifespan.  Bowlby stated that early life experiences create imprints that influence a child’s capacity to maintain healthy and secure relationships as an adult.  New research from neurological science reinforces this concept and shows that these early life experiences literally influence the development of a child’s neurological system and influence the circuit wiring of his brain. 

            According to Dr. Allan Shore, the “King” of affect regulation, the development of a child’s brain occurs primarily in the right brain the first few years of  life.  The right brain holds the capacity for emotional and nonverbal information processing while the left brain holds the capacity for language and logical processing.  Thus, for the infant and toddler, with no or limited language skills, communication happens primarily in the right brain.  These experiences occur at the emotional level, not at the cognitive or “thinking” level. 

            It is interesting to note that as adults, we operate from mainly our left brains.  We think logically and we use words to express ourselves—all left brain functions.  Yet, our babies and children are working from the opposite side of the brain.  If you observe a mother with her infant, she has shifted out of her left brain and into her right brain.  How logical is it to say, “Goo-goo-gaa-gaa?”  Yet, when seen in the context of the parent-child relationship, it is perfectly acceptable and, in fact, necessary, in order to connect with this a child because the child’s right brain needs emotional experiences. 

            As adults, it takes shifting back into our right brain, getting outside of being the adult, and meeting our child where he is at in order to create a healthy relationship.  As adoptive parents, we need to realize that the bond we are trying to build with our children, at whatever age, needs to happen at the emotional level first.  If we allow our children to experience what they missed with us in their early years—parenting from our right brains and being emotionally available and attuned—we will be creating an environment for healing and the development of meaningful relationships with our children.

             

Types of Communication. 

When a young child communicates with his mother, he experiences her being predictable and manipulatable.  For instance, if the baby smiles, his mother smiles back.  If the baby cries, his mother attends to him in a soft and soothing tone in order to calm him.  The child’s communication, while non-verbal, is used to make connection with his mother. 

There are three main forms of non-verbal communication prevalent between young children and their caregivers.  First, mothers and babies communicate through visual and facial expressions.  The child is reading his mother’s face and vise-versa, the mother is reading her child’s face.  The baby smiles, the mother smiles.  Through this communication, the baby develops a sense of coherence in his feelings.  If the baby smiles and the mother frowns and becomes upset, the baby becomes confused and distorted in his understanding of feelings.

Second, the mother and child make connection through physical touch and with gestures.  Think of the pleasant sensation you have when you touch a baby’s skin.  This is an important part of positive communication between parent and child.  The skin is the largest organ in the body.  It needs physical stimulation that is pleasant and enjoyable. This helps develop the child’s sensory system.  Children who are not touched or held are at risk of having sensory integration difficulties.

Third, the parent-child connection happens through the auditory senses whereby the mother’s tone of voice influences the child’s receptivity to his mother’s verbal communication.  The baby does not have the capacity to understand his mother’s words and vocabulary, thus the baby is comprehending verbal communication solely through his mother’s emotional tone of voice.  It is not what the mother is saying, but how she is saying it.  This verbal communication is essentially a function of the right brain, the feeling brain, not the left brain, the cognitive brain.

Through these non-verbal communications, the attachment system is being created by both the child and the mother.  In this attachment system, the mother is helping the child regulate his states of stress and fear.  The mother who attends to her child’s negative states is helping her child shift back into a positive state.  This is known as “affect synchrony.”  Affect synchrony is the regulatory means for developing and maintaining positive emotional states within the relationship of emotional communication.  Positive states are amplified and maximized for the child while negative states are minimized and neutralized for the child.

Regulatory Difficulties.

As babies and children experience these types of loving and calming interactions, their systems learn how to handle high levels of both positive and negative feelings.  Their internal neurological systems become equipped to calm down on their own.  Essentially, they begin to develop the ability to self-regulate. 

            For a child who misses these early positive experiences due to trauma, abuse, or neglect, he lacks the ability to read facial expressions and to feel a sense of internal security.  If his cries for help were either met with negative reactions from his parent, as in the case of abuse, or ignored by his parent, as in the case of neglect, the child quickly shifts from living in a state of love and peace to a state of fear and terror.  When children miss having the experience of a loving parent or caregiver who helps them calm down, their systems stay in a state of stress, unable to regulate back down to a calm state.  The result is a child who is very sensitive to stress and lacks the regulatory ability to calm down on his own.     

In severe cases, children living in these environments reach a state of absolute terror and plummet to a state of survival—life or death.  Their nervous systems remain in a constant state of stress and hyper-vigilance, unable to predict what type of reaction they are going to receive with each cry for help. Some children, characteristically those who are neglected, simply stop communicating and shut down from the world.

            Healing for these children happens when the adoptive parent can recreate positive experiences in order to give the children the experience of being soothed through the parent-child relationship.  The child’s nervous system needs to experience the state of calm arousal instead of staying in a state of perpetual hyper-arousal .  It takes parenting from a new understanding that says, “Children’s behaviors are a cry for regulation—a cry for relationship, not a cry for punishment and consequences.” 

The child does not know how to say, “Hey, mom!  I’m completely stressed out here!  I’m scared, in fact, I’m quite terrified because my world has been turned upside down and I need your help in soothing me-NOW!”  The only communication the child knows at this point in his development is misbehavior.  Thus, instead of parents working to extinguish and change the child’s negative behaviors, it becomes clear that the child needs to be soothed and comforted by his parent.  The child needs connection and needs interactions with his parents that provide safety, love, and security.

It takes going beyond the behaviors in order to create this necessary and essential parent-child bond.  As adoptive parents, we have to learn the rhythms and flows of our children and then modify our own to fit into a parent-child matching.  (For more information on how to do this while at the same time teaching children appropriate behaviors and maintaining boundaries, read Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control available at www.beyondconsequences.com).  The focus of parenting then shifts from the goal of changing behaviors to building relationships.  This is the essence of creating healing and safe homes in order to stabilize our children and prepare them for a future of peace, joy, and abundance. 

In the past, parenting focused on ways to decrease negative behaviors and negative emotions.  However, with this new understanding of brain development, we now see that parenting is about increasing positive emotions and creating positive experiences.  Parenting emotionally healthy children is about joy, not fear-based punishments.

Interactive Repair.

Interactive repair is the key to helping children heal from the effects of early childhood trauma.  Repair to the nervous system and to the child’s sense of self, safety, and security comes through interactions with his parent.  As the relationship develops between the two, through loving, safe, and kind experiences, the child learns to tolerate negative emotions and eventually develops his ability to self-regulate.  The key to this is the emotional availability of the parent and the intimacy offered by the parent, which is the central growth feature for all children. 

When the parent is calm, regulated, in a state of peace, and open to connecting emotionally with the child, this influences the child’s ability to shift into this state of regulation and calm.  Interactive repair is essentially a body to body connection.  In terms of these interactions, both the parent and the child are co-regulating their central nervous systems and their autonomic nervous systems. At a physiological level, the body is changing.  Cortisol levels are dropping; oxytocin is increasing.  Their endocrine systems and their immune systems are being regulated by the nature of their relationship.

Creating a Healing Environment.

            The number one person to help your adopted child is you.  Every interaction you have with your child is a healing moment—a moment for interactive repair—24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.   This is especially true during the difficult interactions when your child is demonstrating difficult behaviors. That is when he is most “raw” and needing you the most.  These are the healing moments we have traditionally missed!  Instead of punishing the behavior, step inside your child’s pain, join him in relationship, and give him understanding and the opportunity to experience love and regulation through your relationship with him.  Being mindful that his behaviors are requests for connection is essential to this process. 

            Be proactive in working to create experiences that build connection.  Here is a list of playful activities for creating secure attachments:

1. Carrying your baby
2. Rocking your child
3. Feeding your child
4. Talking (It’s not so much as what you say as how you say it—tone of voice)
5. Playing – letting the child lead the play experience
6. Hugging
7. Massage and gentle touch
8. Cuddling
9. Co-bathing (when age appropriate)
10.  Swimming (skin to skin contact)
11. Creating a life book
12. Giving your child his story
13. Playing “hide and seek” (recreating the coming and going experience)
14. Tickling
15. Wrestling (great for dads!)

Face to face play experiences feed the wiring of the brain.  Traditionally, we have underestimated the importance of play experiences in early human development.  For many children who have suffered trauma, abuse, and neglect, they do not know how to play.  Create these play experiences and you’ll be creating experiences that can truly repair the missing pieces from his past by changing his physiological system, decreasing his stress state, improving his relationship with you, and ultimately, creating the essential missing ingredient in his life:  joy!

Becoming the Parental Sponge

			From Heather’s Daily Reflection: www.beyondconsequences.com/daily.html “In order for children to open up to their past trauma memories, the parent has to be willing to be a ‘parental sponge’—acknowledging, absorbing, and experiencing every feeling, every tear, and every fear associated with the trauma. Now that is connection!” Q: I just read my first reflection, regarding being a parental sponge and while I agree with the spirit of it, my concern is this: “Experiencing your child's or client's trauma at such an intensity, couldn't that create trauma for the person being the ‘sponge’?" I feel I am very empathic but how can I do that without hurting myself?
A: This is an insightful question. Traditionally, most of us are empathic and give compassion in a way that ultimately drains us. This is because of a core belief that tells us that by giving empathy, we will be able to make this person better or that we have the ability to “fix” the problem for this person. We believe that it is up to us to get this person to shift into a calm, peaceful, and regulated state. Their issue then becomes our issue and we stay focused on the outcome of them being better. It becomes a simple mathematical equation. If I give empathy (E), if I listen (L), and if I spend my time with this person (T) , he will be better (B). E + L + T = B Yet, when we give these three and the result is not what we expected, we feel a sense of failure. We turn it back on ourselves and hear the old negative tapes playing in our head, “I didn’t try hard enough.” “I’m not good enough.” “I should have done something different.” BAM! The negative feedback loop then feeds on itself right within our own mind. Fatigue, overwhelm, and even resentment begin to brew within our internal selves. In order to be a sponge, the only action we need to take is to simply be present with our child (or friend, spouse, coworker). It is not up to us to make this person better. The reality is that we cannot change or fix another person. We can surround them with support; we can love them unconditionally, free of judgment or control; we can set appropriate boundaries, and we can align with their pain. Yet in doing this, it is still ultimately up to them to make their life work. Additionally, if we enter into an interaction with a child, expecting him/her to be better, we are actually adding more stress to the equation, which will create more fear and hinder the healing process. We must stay focused on giving our love without expecting anything in return. That is the essential definition of love. Entering into an interaction with an expectation of an outcome is not true love. This is conditional love. Conditional love drains us. Unconditional love energizes and liberates us. So that is the theory and I know you are reading this and wanting some meat to chew on—you want application to your 16-year-old teenager whose girlfriend just dumped him and he is feeling like the entire world is coming to an end. You see how his past abandonment issues are being triggered and how this situation is being magnified due to his early adoption history. Reprogram your thinking to see that what he needs is your support, your attention, and your unconditional acceptance. It is not up to you to make this okay for him. Trust that it is in the struggles of life that we learn and grow to our maximum potential. By being empathetic, by listening, by spending time, and being present with him you are doing EVERYTHING for him. Stay focused on the outcome of you being the absolute best parent you can be, no matter the outcome of his emotional state at the moment. Your “success” cannot be tied to his feeling better instantaneously. Keep being the sponge for your child’s pain. Become energized by the power of putting unconditional love into action. There is no greater state to be in on this planet! Press on,
Heather T. Forbes, LCSW Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2, Dare to Love, and Help for Billy.

National Adoption Month Article #2

 Every November, a Presidential Proclamation launches activities and celebrations to help build awareness of adoption throughout the nation. Thousands of community organizations arrange and host programs, events, and activities to share positive adoption stories, challenge the myths, and draw attention to the thousands of children in foster care who are waiting for permanent families. For the whole month of November I will be sharing some of my most popular articles along with various specials. Giving parents the resources they need to become a successful parent is something we are passionate about at Beyond Consequences Institute.This article was originally published in the Journal of Social Work but a great read for any adoptive parent.

Issues Facing Adoptive Mothers of Children with Special Needs

Click here to read the article:

http://www.beyondconsequences.com/issues.pdf

National Adoption Month Article #1

Every November, a Presidential Proclamation launches activities and celebrations to help build awareness of adoption throughout the nation. Thousands of community organizations arrange and host programs, events, and activities to share positive adoption stories, challenge the myths, and draw attention to the thousands of children in foster care who are waiting for permanent families. For the whole month of November I will be sharing some of my most popular articles along with various specials. Giving parents the resources they need to become a successful parent is something we are passionate about at Beyond Consequences Institute.

Reactive Attachment Disorder: A New Understanding

Reactive attachment disorder (RAD) is a mental health diagnosis listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IVTR) under disorders usually first diagnosed in infancy, childhood, or adolescence. RAD was initially introduced to the mental health community some 20 years ago. Since that time, much of the information regarding this disorder has painted a dismal and often dangerous picture of these children. Books and articles have compared children with RAD to serial killers, rapists, and hard-core criminals. Intensive and often physically aggressive therapies have been developed to treat these children. Additionally, unconventional parenting techniques have been taught to parents in order to control these children—children referred to as “disturbed” or “unattached.”

The main premise of RAD is that the child cannot socially connect or attach to others in interpersonal relationships. Behaviors inhibiting attachment to caretakers are often demonstrated by children diagnosed with RAD. Some of the behavioral symptoms published in literature include the following: oppositional; frequent and intense anger outbursts, manipulative or controlling; little or no conscience; destructive to self, others, and property; cruelty to animals or killing animals; gorging or hoarding food; and preoccupation with fire, blood, or violence.

Wow! Read that list again. Many of these behaviors sound downright frightening. It is hard to imagine that a child can do these things. Yet, while these behaviors certainly appear abnormal for anyone, especially a child, they are actually quite reasonable reactions to the experiences these children have endured. Read on….

There are many life events that can cause attachment trauma between the primary caretaker (usually the mother) and the child. These include an unwanted pregnancy, separation from the birthmother due to adoption, death of a parent, premature birth, inconsistent caretakers, abuse, neglect, chronic pain, long-term hospitalizations with separations from the mother, and parental depression. Such life events interrupt a child’s ability to learn to self-regulate through the relationship with the parent.

Typically, when a baby or small child is in a state of stress, he cries and the parent attends to the child’s needs, whether by feeding, rocking, or simply holding him. Each and every one of these interactions with the parent plays a critical part in assisting the development of the child’s neuro-physiological control system—the system that allows the child to return back to a calm state. It is truly through this parent-child relationship that we as humans learn how to self-regulate in order to stay balanced and easily shift from a state of stress back to a state of calm. This regulatory mechanism within us is not “online” at birth, and brain research has shown that it takes up to thirty months before this part of the brain is fully developed. Within this thirty-month timeframe, a well-attuned parent has connected with this child to calm his stress response system thousands, if not millions, of

--> times. How critical these first thirty months are to a baby! It is through the parent-child relationship that a child’s self-regulatory ability becomes engaged. This internal regulatory system then sets the foundation for the child’s neurological, physical, emotional, behavioral, cognitive, and social development.

When a child does not receive loving, nurturing care, the child’s ability to develop a sufficient regulatory system is severely compromised. In cases of severe neglect and abuse, the child’s life is literally at risk. For these children, their internal survival mechanisms become activated, dedicating all the body’s resources to remain alert in “survival mode.” These children perceive the world as threatening from a neurological, physical, emotional, cognitive, and social perspective. These children operate from a paradigm of fear to ensure their safety and security. Hence, we see an overly stressed-out child who has difficulty interacting in relationships, who struggles to behave in a loving way, who quite often cannot think clearly, and who swings back and forth in his emotional states due to an underdeveloped regulatory system. While perceived by most professionals as dangerous, a child with RAD is essentially a scared and stressed child living out of a primal survival mode in order to maintain his existence. 

With this understanding, the term “attachment-challenged” becomes more appropriate to use with children instead of the traditional label of “RAD child.”  In times of stress, this child is challenged to connect and his ability to make connection is restricted.  In fact, we all become attachment-challenged to some degree when we’re stressed.  Reflect for a moment on the last time you were overly stressed: How did you react when someone tried to interact with you? Be honest! Perhaps you had difficulty interacting appropriately. Stress causes confused and distorted thinking, and it constricts us emotionally, leaving little room for relationships. Thus, a child with a traumatic history who is living in a stressful, fear-based state, simply is not capable of nor equipped to be in a relationship. From a behavioral standpoint, a child living in a state of fear simply cannot act in a loving way. The frightening behaviors listed above are only external reflections of the internal fear and chaos within these children. They are simply behaviors that are intended for survival.

Treatment for the attachment-challenged  child needs to address this internal fear. When the child’s stress state can be soothed, and the deep wounds driving the fearful behaviors can be acknowledged, the child has an opportunity for healing. Yes, healing is possible, but it takes intense work and many, many repetitions of positive experiences to recondition the body’s reactions. It is also essential that the therapeutic attachment techniques and parenting paradigms enlisted for these children be grounded in neurological research and based in love and compassion. Such techniques can offer ways to create peaceful environments within the home that work to recreate safety and security in the insecure foundations set within these children.

A word of caution from the author: Some therapists specializing in attachment therapy work from a fear-based platform and recommend techniques that are confrontational, aggressive, child-centered instead of family-centered, and fear-based. While these techniques sometimes offer short-term results, families using them are often faced with more severe long-term pain and challenges. Many of these therapies and therapists have separated themselves from dangerous techniques that have resulted in the tragic death of children in the past; however, they continue to lack compassion and are grounded in fear. Some examples of these techniques include instructing parents to force eye contact with their children; have children do excessive chores to feel a part of the family system; send children to respite care out of the home for making poor choices; give up their need to communicate love to their children; and put locks on the outside of children’s doors to keep them “safe.” When looking for appropriate interventions for families, be alert to these specific techniques.

Be aware, as well, of techniques that talk in general about gaining control of a child and viewing the child as manipulative. These techniques are child-blaming, parent-controlling, and devoid of scientific research. It is counterproductive to feed more fear into an already scared child. When seeking help, it is highly recommended that you have a thorough understanding of the basis for each therapy being considered.

When parents first begin realizing that they are dealing with an attachment-challenged child, they have likely already experienced many severe and disruptive behaviors in their homes. In these experiences, they themselves often begin to slip into their own fear and see the child as a threat (at times so threatening that they simply want the child out of their home, forever). Because the behaviors can be so intense, it is easy to lose sight of the child’s reality—that of a young person living in a world of pain, fear, and isolation.

As a therapist specializing in working with attachment-challenged children, I am overwhelmed by great sadness every time I initially speak with a parent seeking help for their family. This sadness stems from the realization that all of these wounds and pain could have been avoided. Babies are born in a spirit of love, but it is life’s circumstances that shift them into a spirit of fear. All it takes to maintain this spirit of love is high quality care giving; it takes an emotionally available parent to create a secure and loving base for a child. Attachment Parenting in the formative years, from conception to three years old, sets the foundation for all future relationships, and it gives the child’s body’s own internal regulatory system the opportunity to develop to its fullest. The old adage, “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” says everything in the context of Attachment Parenting.

If you’re currently struggling with a child(ren) exhibiting symptoms of RAD who’s early beginnings were far from nurturing and secure, I want to encourage you to have hope.  

 

Several years ago, I found myself in the same situation, waking up every morning wondering how I was going to make it through the day.  In learning more about my children and understanding that their behaviors were driven from a deeply wounded place, I was able to parent them in a way that allowed healing to begin.  Yes, it is hard work and it takes endurance and faith, but creating a peaceful home is possible!

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW

heather@beyondconsequences.com

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