Giving Your Children Their Story

Love is Not a Commodity

					Q: I adopted my daughter as an infant and to this day, 16 years later, she still resists everything I offer. I ask her to empty the dishwasher and she resists. Everything turns into a blow up--she tells me that I am not her "real" mom and that her birth mom would make a "way better mother." She doesn't know her birth mom so it's as if she says this because she knows it hurts me. A: This is a common issue for adoptive parents, as well as foster parents, stepparents, and grandparents raising their grandchildren. As parents, one of our roles is to acknowledge our children's emotional struggles yet
at the same time, teach them to function in daily life. Finding the balance between the two with a child who refuses our help can prove to be beyond difficult. Let's discuss what your daughter might be feeling. She gets upset, refuses to take responsibility and blames you, and then she offers the dagger of all daggers: "You're not my real mom!" I know this is frustrating, not to mention hurtful. The only way to work with statements such as this is to take your daughter's perspective and put yourself into her reality. Through the lenses of her abandonment, she is right...you are not her mother. Children have an internal bond with their biological mothers that I believe will and can not ever be severed. It is a deep primal connection that transcends all other experiences in the child's world. A biological mother carries the baby for the first nine months of its life. The baby fetus knows her mother's heartbeat, the sound of her mother's voice, and the smell of her mother's skin. This is what is familiar to this baby and once she is born, if she is removed from the mother (even for loving reasons), everything is lost for this baby. EVERYTHING. At that moment, as a vulnerable baby with no coping skills, nothing is familiar and nothing feels safe. The nine months in the biological mother's womb is a time where a bond greater than any other bond known to mankind is created. It cannot be broken nor does it need to be for this child, even if you are her "real" mom now. As a mother (or father) to a child who is not biologically connected to you, you have to be able to think outside the box. The traditional belief that a child has "one and only one" mother (or father) for life needs to be questioned. As parents, we get rigid in our thinking; we feel the need to say (or think), "I'm your mother now," implying that the relationship with the biological mother needs to be severed. Love is not a commodity. There is plenty of it to go around. There is enough room in your daughter's heart to have two mothers. Being her adoptive mother does not make you second best. It simply means you are on this part of her journey with her. Embracing this concept will allow space for her to feel like she can also embrace two mothers without betraying her biological mother. Will your connection to your daughter ever be as strong as the primal connection she has with her biological mother? Maybe yes but maybe no. It depends on a child's internal make-up and her personality. One is not right or wrong. Love looks different sometimes. Additionally, many adopted children fantasize about their biological families. Your daughter is probably doing this, as well. Even though she does not know her biological mother and never has, she still feels a deep internal connection. It can be as if her birth family (and her biological mother, especially) is the only one to whom she can be loyal. She is caught between two mothers--wanting and needing you, yet feeling as if she will betray her biological mother in the process. Your daughter makes negative statements to you, not to hurt you, but to give expression to the loyalty she feels towards her biological mother. Giving your daughter permission to have two mothers is the key to returning your home back from chaos to peace and to helping your daughter heal a very deep wound. In your heart, can you find acceptance and room for your daughter to have two mommies? Do some self-analysis and self-reflection to see what resistance comes up from within you. Does this concept make you feel "less" of a mother or even inadequate as a mother? Let the traditional idea of "only one mother for life" be gone. You are perfectly her mother now and any statements she makes to you that contradict your role in her life now, are simply expressions of her internal struggle. They are NOT about you personally. In the heat of the moment next time, dance with her statements. When she says, "You're not my real mom," reply, "You're right. I'm not." Affirm your daughter. Ask for more and let her know you want to understand how much it hurts that she is not with her biological mother right now. Let her know that you are sad that her biological mother was not able to care for her and that she feels you do not meet the standards she holds true for her mom. Allow her the space to express her feelings towards her mom and towards you. Open the space for the building of a relationship instead of fighting the relationship. Once she can express her true feelings and thoughts with you, it is certainly appropriate and a part of your responsibility as a good parent to set boundaries. Disrespecting you and making hurtful statements needs to be changed. Stress that your home is a place of emotional safety for everyone, always. Explain that comments she has been making are negative, hurtful, and inappropriate. You will notice, however, that by giving her permission to have two mothers along with permission to express her fears and sadness, the negativity and disrespect will actually dissipate on its own. It is our job, as parents, to ensure there is balance within the home and within our relationship with our children. We need to allow our children the space to be "bound" to their biological parents. Yet we also must reinforce that we are here, in the present, right here and now and that to make a family functional, we must all work lovingly together. For some it may look like just coming to an agreement that the child will respect the parent as their caregiver and for others it may be the child breaking down and finally allowing the parent to be in charge, fully. Love simply allows each child his or her own process. Press on,
Heather T. Forbes, LCSW Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2, and Dare to Love Please note, Contributions to this newsletter were given by Ruby, an adult adoptee. To access her blog for more amazing insights, click here: http://traumatotreasure.wordpress.com/ P.S. Check out my Ask the Expert Interview with Sherrie Eldridge, as she speaks out adoption, adopted children and how their parents are drawn closer. http://www.asktheexpertinterviews.com

"This is the only training that finally worked for my family!"

When Everything Has Failed to Help Your Child,
Sometimes You Just Have to Start Over.

This is the training to start over and to start over right this time!

This two-day specialized training will equip and empower you to
re-establish safety, peace, and order back into your home, while
giving you a step-by-step program on how to create a healing
home in order to help your child(ren) successfully move forward.

Saturday & Sunday
July 12-13, 2014
Denver, CO

This training is approved by the NASW Colorado
Chapter for 15 hours of Continuing Education Credits.

ALSO OFFERING
a full-day certification for parents
to learn how to safely contain violence.
Friday
July 11, 2014

For a complete agenda, click HERE.


This ONE OF A KIND training will address the following:

·       Verbal and Physical Aggression

·       Defiant and Unmanagable Behaviors

·       Threatening Behaviors to Self and Others

·       Destructive Behaviors in the Home

·       Significant Mood and Regulatory Disorders

·       Complete Disregard to the Word "No"

·       Reactive and Massive Meltdowns

·       Chronic Disrespectful at All Levels

·       Complete Disconnect Between Parent(s) and Child

·       Unsafe Sibling Interactions

·       Unsafe Sibling Interactions

·       Intentional and Targeted Malicious Acts

·       Reactive Parenting That Develops From Constant Conflict

·       Parents Who Are Tired of Being Abused

·       Restoring the Desire to Parent Again

Certification for Violence Containment

Two of the top experts in the field of Childhood
Trauma, recognized around the world, will be
leading this training on Saturday and Sunday
and giving you tools and solutions that work.

Dr. Ronald S. Federici

and

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW

Both of these experts have not only worked in the
mental health field with aggressive and violent
children but they both have, more importantly, raised
children of their own with these types of unnerving
behaviors. They know your situation from a personal
experiential level. They "GET" it!
____________


If you answer "YES" to any of the following
questions, this training is a MUST and will help you
to restore peace, order, and happiness in your home:

• Are your child's behaviors so intense in your home that NO ONE believes you?
• Could the level of sibling rivalry in your home be described as "Sibling Terrorizing?"
• Does your child threaten to call Child Protective Services when you correct him/her, or worse, have you been the subject of an investigation?
• Are you afraid to set any boundaries for fear of the behavioral fall-out of your child?
• Does your child get so out-of-control you don't even feel safe in your own home anymore?
• Are you scared that if your child is this violent now, what will he/she be like in 5 years?
• Are you tired of spending night after night on the Internet, reading and researching what to do for your child, only to be left more confused and overwhelmed?
• Are you feeling like you're the one going "crazy" because your child makes it look like you're over-reacting or over-dramatizing the situation?
• Are you tired of reading parenting book after parenting book, only to find these parenting methods increase and exacerbate your child's aggressive behaviors?
• Are you tired of sitting through boring lectures that give no practical advice on what to do when your home becomes a war zone and people get hurt?
• Do you feel like a "prisoner" in your own home because your child is violent in public?

Is your child missing major developmental experiences that are hindering his/her ability to function in the world?

Continuing Education & Certificates

This training is approved by the NASW Colorado
Chapter for 15 hours of Continuing Education
Credits. Provider # NASWCO 1113. A
certificate of completion will be provided
at the end of the day on Sunday.

Want more information?
Join Heather T. Forbes, LCSW and
Dr. Ron Federici for a LIVE Q&A Webinar!
Just click here for the date and times.

Check out our recently recorded Q&A webinars
with additional in-depth interviews with
parents who have attended this program.

Time to Celebrate!

I’m celebrating this weekend because I finished the last chapter of my new book on Thursday, put some final touches on it on Friday, and sent it off to my editor! What a major undertaking—I feel like I’m floating on air right now. This book will be a follow-up to the first volume of Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control. It is written in the same format where the first part of the book outlines the research, sets the foundation for this parenting paradigm, and covers the basic premises of love-based parenting. The second part details seven more behaviors. They include: demanding behaviors, homework struggles, self-injury, no conscience, social struggles, chores, and defensive attitudes. The third part is the best—it gives amazing success stories that parents submitted to me. You’ll be amazed at how love can turn a family who was in complete chaos into a family of peace and fun. The stories are truly inspiring!

This book definitely goes beyond the first book. It is so much more in-depth and gives better parenting examples. Since writing the first book, I have grown tremendously both personally and professionally. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life and this made a difference in my writing. The information flowed much easier and the application of how to put love into action as a parent is much more profound.

The hardest part of the book was when I went to write only one single sentence—the dedication. I am dedicating this book to my mom who passed away this past April. Still as I write this blog, my eyes well up and the pain begins to surface. My mother was an advocate for children and spent about 30 years in public service standing up for what children needed in the public school system. She was a school board member who was not afraid to have a one to four vote (she being the one) and would stand her ground and held strong through the politics and budget restraints in order to do what was right. She modeled to me the true essence of perseverance, tenacity, and dedication. Dedicating this book to her gives it a whole new level of meaning for me.

Look for the release of Volume 2 at the end of October. We are planning a big book release party at BCI, so be sure you are signed up on my network (http://www.beyondconsequences.com/) so you’ll get an invitation!