tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-64332872084739005172024-03-05T20:37:25.072-05:00Heather T. Forbes, LCSWAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620711105756104261noreply@blogger.comBlogger90125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6433287208473900517.post-9748456719464789972018-02-19T22:32:00.000-05:002018-02-19T23:22:07.789-05:00Why the School Needs to Become the Family<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">The school tragedy in Florida has brought up
more discussion in the news about gun control, active shooter school policies,
mental health, and proper law enforcement protocol. While these are all valid issues
to discuss, I believe the most important issue continues to be overlooked. <b>We
aren't looking at our students from a social/emotional, heart-centered
perspective.</b> This shooter's history was rampant with experiences of rejection.
He was adopted and then lost BOTH his ad<span class="textexposedshow">optive
parents. Then he was expelled from school. That is three experiences of severe
rejection and loss: 1) the loss of his birth family, 2) the loss of his
adoptive family, and 3) the loss of his school family. As humans, we are a social
species....we are designed to live in families, especially as children. </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Additionally, we have failed to teach our
children how to deal with their emotions and how to process big feelings.
Traditionally, we have been a culture that has intellectualized life
experiences, simply asking our children to "get over it" and to move
on without giving them emotional space to process the feelings that come with
devastating experiences. Emotions are energy and when they aren't processed or
discharged, they build up and they build up. Unfortunately, the release of this
build up will come through rage filled acts with horrifying consequences.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">We must begin looking at this from the
child's perspective rather than from a political debate or moral issue of right
or wrong. When the family falls apart, the solution is to have the school
become the family. The school was originally designed to be an academic
institution but times have changed and we have the ability to change the course
of history now. We need to connect with our students. We need to make sure they
feel connected in their school families. We need to discipline in a way that
teaches rather than rejects. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Strong, loving, and caring human
relationships cost nothing yet are a powerful tool in the fight against school
violence. And with this, I can only see that there is no coincidence that this
horrifying event took place on Valentine's Day--the day we celebrate love and
relationships.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">For more information on becoming a trauma-informed school, click <a href="http://www.tisc-spring.com/" target="_blank"><b>here.</b></a></span><br />
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Press on</span>,<br />
<img alt="Heather" class="CToWUd" height="57" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEiFzLqLrdguSTG-TvAdHwFy0u_8fKuFiBTKVR13wBCSUStyyHl4gFqVg5kDNL2bonKAC5wPIF772Lmeg_b0sqZz_is9FmdZ6DofnkbpRANyeCCKN4dOhDMwYb2JfMDx4CyLXFSKDF46eK157nJHy_L0mCyC2lrvjxx4tmW21xA=s0-d-e1-ft" width="144" /><em><br />
<strong>Heather T. Forbes, LCSW<br />Parent and Author of <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage1.com/track/click?u%3Deff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e%26id%3D287ef741fc%26e%3D798d1c90c4&source=gmail&ust=1512580663948000&usg=AFQjCNECFwgs0g9pg1nc1gU0Op8a_rO1jQ" href="http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage1.com/track/click?u=eff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e&id=287ef741fc&e=798d1c90c4" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1</a> & <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage.com/track/click?u%3Deff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e%26id%3D5b53e73d35%26e%3D798d1c90c4&source=gmail&ust=1512580663948000&usg=AFQjCNFORqOax9BR1wlZx9oHuPZ2ymwksA" href="http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage.com/track/click?u=eff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e&id=5b53e73d35&e=798d1c90c4" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Volume 2</a>,<br /><a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage.com/track/click?u%3Deff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e%26id%3D9f30c7ce99%26e%3D798d1c90c4&source=gmail&ust=1512580663948000&usg=AFQjCNFdZ0_kV9S4UcxBBQSIjkN87i6a2A" href="http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage.com/track/click?u=eff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e&id=9f30c7ce99&e=798d1c90c4" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Dare to Love</a>, and <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage2.com/track/click?u%3Deff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e%26id%3D5d58fc9be4%26e%3D798d1c90c4&source=gmail&ust=1512580663948000&usg=AFQjCNFo5i0GsbrJqah4Ni5u490RmLEwUw" href="http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage2.com/track/click?u=eff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e&id=5d58fc9be4&e=798d1c90c4" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Help for Billy</a>.</strong></em><br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620711105756104261noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6433287208473900517.post-7575936685097415802017-12-05T12:24:00.005-05:002017-12-05T12:24:47.264-05:00Interactive Regulation<table align="center" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; width: 603px;"><tbody>
<tr><td colspan="2" height="133" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="father and son" class="CToWUd" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEhx1zBXIF3wpORHbG_WQsxRryfv8607P1BWpP0mlxYAD2dQMUlxGoNUWwbzJsGPB2_ZSjjjTbnI5kG09Y1t8M69yYPrIUCQbBPDwGVNWUFyhgLmbh7tSCY6KdL8GzGCGT8H2MlqSA_yy4ABmPkBEy2OXcnazKF1EkLe9OQ0vH_PiPo=s0-d-e1-ft" width="199" /></td><td colspan="7" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><div align="center">
<strong>The Power of Love and Relationship</strong></div>
<div align="center">
<strong><br /></strong></div>
Humans are designed to be in relationship. We are designed to grow up in families and live in communities. What is considered the most severe punishment of an inmate in prison? Solitary confinement. This is because we are neurologically and biologically designed to be in relationship. Being alone for extended periods of time goes against our physiology.</td><td style="margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="429" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><br />
Children need connection in order to feel loved, accepted, and safe. They cannot sufficiently create this on their own. They need to experience this first from the adults in their lives before they can give it to themselves. Children, especially babies, do not have the ability to "regulate" on their own.<br />
<br />
A baby crying in a crib is communicating that he is in need of help. The baby is seeking regulation. The baby has slipped into a state of dysregulation, needing to be fed, rocked, cuddled, or have a diaper changed. The baby is incapable of shifting from this state of dysregulation to a state of regulation on his own. If the baby is not cared for, he goes into a hyper-aroused state, whereby the stress hormones excrete excessively until ultimately, the body will protect itself from creating internal damage by shutting down. The baby then stops crying and appears to have settled down.<br />
<br />
Yet in actuality, the baby has not shifted back into a state of regulation. The baby has simply shifted from a state of active arousal to a state of passive arousal, still dysregulated at the internal level. He has been denied an interactive experience with his caregiver. He has missed the vital experience of being calmed and soothed, or regulated, by his caregiver.<br />
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This same concept is true for any child, whether in a school or home. When a child is acting out, it is a sign that the child has slipped into a state of dysregulation. If the child has not had enough past regulatory experiences of being soothed through the power of a loving relationship, the child's ability to self-regulate is insufficient to shift to a state of regulation on his own. Whether describing an infant or a 15-year-old child who is dysregulated, the role of the adult (whether it is a parent or teacher) is always to join with the child in order to help the child regulate back to a state of calm arousal.<br />
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Science is showing that essential regulatory functions occur in the right hemisphere. The right hemisphere is responsible for the processing of positive and negative affective states, such as interest, excitement, and joy, along with pain, fear, and overwhelm. The right hemisphere controls the human stress response system and cortisol secretion as well as vital functions supporting survival. When a child's experiences do not include predictability, quality care-giving, loving interactions, and safety, these functions of the right hemisphere are impaired and the ability to regulate is compromised.<br />
<br />
When interacting with a child exhibiting difficult behaviors, look into the child's present and past experiences and you are likely to find a cycle of disruption and unpredictability. In order to help a child get back on track, it takes connecting with the child at the emotional level. This connection happens in the right brain, so it is not the words that are important. It is the facial expression, tone and volume of voice, as well as the posture, tempo, and timing of movement. It is about learning to simply be present with the child and allowing the child emotional space to process through the stress.<br />
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This is an interactive process between the adult and the child, and thus, it is imperative that the adult be in a state of regulation. If the adult is stressed out and dysregulated, the adult's ability to create a state of regulation for the child is severely compromised. Have you ever been in a store and watched a stressed-out parent instructing the child to, "Calm down. Calm down, right now!"? The words are effective words; however, the delivery of the words is far more important to consider. It is not what you say, but how you say it.<br />
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Imagine having the opportunity to sit next to Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., or Mother Teresa. How do you think you would feel simply sitting next to any one of these individuals who radiates pure love? Would your system automatically shift to a state of regulation? You undoubtedly would feel a sense of calm and peacefulness, even if words were not exchanged.<br />
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While this may be an extreme example, you do have the same ability to create this type of connection with a dysregulated child. This is the power of love and relationship. This is "interactive regulation." Interactive regulation is the ability to easily regulate one's emotional state through interactions with others. As the child experiences these interactions with you and through you, he will gain experiential knowledge of what it feels like to be regulated. He will have experiences of going from a state of dysregulation and upset to a state of peace and calm.<br />
<br />
As the child experiences this interactive regulation through your relationship with him, he then learns how to self-regulate, or as science is terming it, to "autoregulate." This is the ultimate gift we can give children--to be able to self-regulate in times of stress, without others and without external measures.<br />
<br />
Childhood is the most opportune time to accomplish this goal. Science is showing that positive emotional experiences carve permanent pathways into a child's developing neurological system. Every interaction you have with a child is an opportunity to help the child regulate, make a positive emotional connection, and literally lay down neural networks that will enhance his brain's capacity to handle stress and overwhelm later in life. Conversely, research states that if a significant amount of a child's emotional experiences are characterized by fear, then a negative and hopeless perspective becomes part of the child's personality framework.<br />
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It is important to realize these experiences influence a child far more than we once believed. In the past, it was believed that children who grow up with an abundance of experiences of distress, fear, separation, and rage simply develop bad behaviors and bad habits. We now know that it goes much deeper than this; they develop ingrained negative neurological pathways that control much of what they do.<br />
<br />
The good news is that our brains are ever changing and ever creating new neuropathways. Neuroplasticity is the brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections based on life experiences. Yet it is vital to the healing process of children that these new neuropathways are formed from emotional experiences, not intellectual or cognitive experiences.<br />
<br />
These emotional experiences are not experiences that can be created in a therapist's office once a week for 50 minutes nor can they be created by being isolated in detention or by being suspended from school. These healing moments need to happen through the context of the adult-child relationship. It is in the moments when your child or student is most "raw" and the most dysregulated that you are being presented with an opportunity to create change and healing. It takes interacting from not just a new perspective but from an entirely new paradigm centered in the heart.<br />
<br />
Press on,</td><td style="margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="113" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="Heather" class="CToWUd" height="57" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEiFzLqLrdguSTG-TvAdHwFy0u_8fKuFiBTKVR13wBCSUStyyHl4gFqVg5kDNL2bonKAC5wPIF772Lmeg_b0sqZz_is9FmdZ6DofnkbpRANyeCCKN4dOhDMwYb2JfMDx4CyLXFSKDF46eK157nJHy_L0mCyC2lrvjxx4tmW21xA=s0-d-e1-ft" width="144" /><em><strong>Heather T. Forbes, LCSW<br />Parent and Author of <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage1.com/track/click?u%3Deff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e%26id%3D287ef741fc%26e%3D798d1c90c4&source=gmail&ust=1512580663948000&usg=AFQjCNECFwgs0g9pg1nc1gU0Op8a_rO1jQ" href="http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage1.com/track/click?u=eff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e&id=287ef741fc&e=798d1c90c4" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1</a> & <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage.com/track/click?u%3Deff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e%26id%3D5b53e73d35%26e%3D798d1c90c4&source=gmail&ust=1512580663948000&usg=AFQjCNFORqOax9BR1wlZx9oHuPZ2ymwksA" href="http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage.com/track/click?u=eff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e&id=5b53e73d35&e=798d1c90c4" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Volume 2</a>,<br /><a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage.com/track/click?u%3Deff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e%26id%3D9f30c7ce99%26e%3D798d1c90c4&source=gmail&ust=1512580663948000&usg=AFQjCNFdZ0_kV9S4UcxBBQSIjkN87i6a2A" href="http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage.com/track/click?u=eff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e&id=9f30c7ce99&e=798d1c90c4" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Dare to Love</a>, and <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage2.com/track/click?u%3Deff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e%26id%3D5d58fc9be4%26e%3D798d1c90c4&source=gmail&ust=1512580663948000&usg=AFQjCNFo5i0GsbrJqah4Ni5u490RmLEwUw" href="http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage2.com/track/click?u=eff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e&id=5d58fc9be4&e=798d1c90c4" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Help for Billy</a>.</strong></em></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620711105756104261noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6433287208473900517.post-20281797230156863212017-10-24T13:48:00.000-04:002017-10-24T13:54:55.701-04:00Maximizing Instead of Minimizing<table align="center" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" id="m_-1719666189202900770m_-8552448584331928302tdLayout" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; width: 603px;"><tbody>
<tr><td colspan="2" height="195" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="iceberg" class="CToWUd" height="195" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEhycrDlsvLSXOVSrayEpX3YyKYSFh9u0NE1UbzvASnRNAJQuutp__mTtGWz-lv__sRhpin33O7smZECfPYT0d8XJDLPCFLSq4MCrD5QuPiawIz_HiZ-zoCcj1QUdTgt8ehArl790XNqZN7oLm33FnE7CrxuTLZgYBR6QYqi=s0-d-e1-ft" width="175" /></td><td colspan="7" id="m_-1719666189202900770m_-8552448584331928302tdQuestionBox" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><strong><em>Q: I am teaching a book study based on "Help for Billy." You mention that one of the effective strategies to use with children who have a traumatic background is "maximizing." I am not sure I understand what this is and was wondering if you could expand on it. Thank you.</em></strong><br />
<br />
<br />
<strong>A:</strong> Traditionally, we've always been taught to stop or change children's behaviors by redirecting them or helping them to see a broader perspective. Most of us can easily give examples from our own childhood of this tactic. Responses such as, "Calm down honey, it's not that big of a deal." or "Honey, look over here, I see</td><td style="margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="76" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top">something you're really going to like." are imbedded in us. These types of responses shift children away from the issue at hand to stabilize them emotionally.<br />
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For children impacted by trauma, this approach is often one of the worst approaches you can take. These are children who've had experiences of not being heard, being ignored, feeling unwanted, or worse. These are children who are in desperate need of being validated, understood, and heard. By giving them a response to their struggle that minimizes or diverts away from the struggle, they will see this response from a reflection of who they are. They personally take this dismissal of their feelings to heart.<br />
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Children who live in a state of survival (which is what trauma does to a child) do not have the ability to dissect an adult's response into a complex interpretation such as, "This adult (parent/teacher/caregiver) loves me enough to give me a response that will help me see the bigger picture." Instead, a child impacted by trauma thinks in simple, rigid, and linear terms such as, "This adult (parent/teacher/caregiver) isn't addressing my need directly. Therefore, he/she doesn't love me."<br />
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Children impacted by trauma will feel invalidated, unloved, unimportant, and unworthy when we give them responses that essentially minimize their requests; if you minimize their need, you minimize them personally. They've lived (or are living) through situations where there wasn't or isn't certainty. Their brains have become wired for survival, which means they will see everything from a negative and rigid perspective. They are out to protect themselves--everything you say or do is going to be interpreted from a deeply personal level.<br />
<br />
They need you to maximize their struggle. In turn, this will "maximize" them as human beings--it is their way of feeling loved, worthy, and validated. They lack the ability to separate their self-worth from your response. Simply, your response to them equals their interpretation of their worth and "lovability."</td><td style="margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="139" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="Maximing Graphic" class="CToWUd a6T" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEj9nHt-vpStkzzOZvJ8EiWbeDwyQg_uo8PdSDC7_v8jT1Vifj5XVazvgCi8moYs2qSN33Tm_IU1uInIK8tf1QKvjmyt1CVPgKXXY0yw1bfAbRmd5icHzIkw85dW7gFqQ9Rd4EbN16eI8RErZEbsSYRrbZIQXYxGpvoMWJNyq5oG4VRB1NNGPw=s0-d-e1-ft" style="cursor: pointer; outline: 0px;" tabindex="0" width="560" /></td><td style="margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="85" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top">Additionally, many children don't know how to express the issues troubling them in appropriate ways. They will use roundabout ways to get you to hear their internal struggles. They work very hard to avoid being vulnerable which keeps them from being able to clearly express their real troubles. Thus, you have to open up the first layer of the conversation to get to the second, third, and fourth layers of the conversation. Maximizing helps you to get to the conversation behind the conversation.<br />
<br />
In the following chart, two examples (a minimizing response and a maximizing response) are given to compare and contrast the differences in the same scenario with "Billy":</td><td style="margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="154" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="Maximizing Table" class="CToWUd a6T" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEiM4ShCNR6yU_vSEE_73xMN6qE1LS_gLf84NT_fqTcqSXp5MASykzZD4kGw_vdvvqkNWCWqcpQ8DTlWXJO-yjwyzKhbFk1BM_ySze3ymMoRuNc4hNzQHyGZ6CpzfxuQq-I0tMVjVliZ80KAnDr7iWz4FXPne0e4ipYw5iQ_F8PuuqG1tjI=s0-d-e1-ft" style="cursor: pointer; outline: 0px;" tabindex="0" width="560" /></td><td style="margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="157" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><br />
In the example above, it could have been any number of reasons why Billy didn't like the book. However, by going into the conversation to validate his dislike of the book, the core issue behind the book was revealed. Maximizing means accepting the child's response without the need to correct. It means going into the conversation with a sense of curiosity, saying to yourself, "What is this really about?" Maximizing is about getting the full story instead of just a smidgen of the story. Instead of getting the tip of the iceberg, you're maximizing to get what is lying underneath.<br />
<br />
Follow Billy's linear thinking and follow his/her pattern of thinking through your response. Maximizing is an expression of love in Billy's eyes. By maximizing, you will be saying, "I love you, Billy. You're safe."<br />
<br />
Press on in maximum love,</td><td style="margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="113" id="m_-1719666189202900770m_-8552448584331928302tdBodyText" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="Heather" class="CToWUd" height="57" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEiFzLqLrdguSTG-TvAdHwFy0u_8fKuFiBTKVR13wBCSUStyyHl4gFqVg5kDNL2bonKAC5wPIF772Lmeg_b0sqZz_is9FmdZ6DofnkbpRANyeCCKN4dOhDMwYb2JfMDx4CyLXFSKDF46eK157nJHy_L0mCyC2lrvjxx4tmW21xA=s0-d-e1-ft" width="144" /><em><strong>Heather T. Forbes, LCSW<br />Parent and Author of <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage2.com/track/click?u%3Deff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e%26id%3Df7c4c7546e%26e%3Db7a637e47e&source=gmail&ust=1508953469044000&usg=AFQjCNEGmh7b_V-MJtgvGujGglN3m8Hd9Q" href="http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage2.com/track/click?u=eff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e&id=f7c4c7546e&e=b7a637e47e" style="color: #ffffff;" target="_blank">Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1</a> & <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage.com/track/click?u%3Deff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e%26id%3D2e51ff686d%26e%3Db7a637e47e&source=gmail&ust=1508953469044000&usg=AFQjCNHzS4XgYQfjbDFGndnJSxFwKlYYNQ" href="http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage.com/track/click?u=eff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e&id=2e51ff686d&e=b7a637e47e" style="color: #ffffff;" target="_blank">Volume 2</a>,<br /><a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage.com/track/click?u%3Deff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e%26id%3Df0f4006f65%26e%3Db7a637e47e&source=gmail&ust=1508953469044000&usg=AFQjCNFHR4l6hOzagbFYK96HRDPsW4Rs8Q" href="http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage.com/track/click?u=eff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e&id=f0f4006f65&e=b7a637e47e" style="color: #ffffff;" target="_blank">Dare to Love</a>, and <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage.com/track/click?u%3Deff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e%26id%3Df1e4557cdd%26e%3Db7a637e47e&source=gmail&ust=1508953469044000&usg=AFQjCNGJKRJEUypAwknaDjBmokjNaKnyfQ" href="http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage.com/track/click?u=eff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e&id=f1e4557cdd&e=b7a637e47e" style="color: #ffffff;" target="_blank">Help for Billy</a>.</strong></em></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620711105756104261noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6433287208473900517.post-79551167165534458052017-07-18T13:23:00.000-04:002017-07-18T13:23:10.115-04:00Interactive Regulation<table align="center" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" id="m_6069716796545864472m_3940669699221716503tdLayout" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; width: 603px;"><tbody>
<tr><td colspan="2" height="133" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="father and son" class="CToWUd" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEhx1zBXIF3wpORHbG_WQsxRryfv8607P1BWpP0mlxYAD2dQMUlxGoNUWwbzJsGPB2_ZSjjjTbnI5kG09Y1t8M69yYPrIUCQbBPDwGVNWUFyhgLmbh7tSCY6KdL8GzGCGT8H2MlqSA_yy4ABmPkBEy2OXcnazKF1EkLe9OQ0vH_PiPo=s0-d-e1-ft" width="199" /></td><td colspan="7" id="m_6069716796545864472m_3940669699221716503tdQuestionBox" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><div align="center">
<strong>The Power of Love and Relationship</strong><br />
<strong><br /></strong></div>
Humans are designed to be in relationship. We are designed to grow up in families and live in communities. What is considered the most severe punishment of an inmate in prison? Solitary confinement. This is because we are neurologically and biologically designed to be in relationship. Being alone for extended periods of time goes against our physiology.</td><td style="margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="429" id="m_6069716796545864472m_3940669699221716503tdBodyText" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><br />
Children need connection in order to feel loved, accepted, and safe. They cannot sufficiently create this on their own. They need to experience this first from the adults in their lives before they can give it to themselves. Children, especially babies, do not have the ability to "regulate" on their own.<br />
<br />
A baby crying in a crib is communicating that he is in need of help. The baby is seeking regulation. The baby has slipped into a state of dysregulation, needing to be fed, rocked, cuddled, or have a diaper changed. The baby is incapable of shifting from this state of dysregulation to a state of regulation on his own. If the baby is not cared for, he goes into a hyper-aroused state, whereby the stress hormones excrete excessively until ultimately, the body will protect itself from creating internal damage by shutting down. The baby then stops crying and appears to have settled down.<br />
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Yet in actuality, the baby has not shifted back into a state of regulation. The baby has simply shifted from a state of active arousal to a state of passive arousal, still dysregulated at the internal level. He has been denied an interactive experience with his caregiver. He has missed the vital experience of being calmed and soothed, or regulated, by his caregiver.<br />
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This same concept is true for any child, whether in a school or home. When a child is acting out, it is a sign that the child has slipped into a state of dysregulation. If the child has not had enough past regulatory experiences of being soothed through the power of a loving relationship, the child's ability to self-regulate is insufficient to shift to a state of regulation on his own. Whether describing an infant or a 15-year-old child who is dysregulated, the role of the adult (whether it is a parent or teacher) is always to join with the child in order to help the child regulate back to a state of calm arousal.<br />
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Science is showing that essential regulatory functions occur in the right hemisphere. The right hemisphere is responsible for the processing of positive and negative affective states, such as interest, excitement, and joy, along with pain, fear, and overwhelm. The right hemisphere controls the human stress response system and cortisol secretion as well as vital functions supporting survival. When a child's experiences do not include predictability, quality care-giving, loving interactions, and safety, these functions of the right hemisphere are impaired and the ability to regulate is compromised.<br />
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When interacting with a child exhibiting difficult behaviors, look into the child's present and past experiences and you are likely to find a cycle of disruption and unpredictability. In order to help a child get back on track, it takes connecting with the child at the emotional level. This connection happens in the right brain, so it is not the words that are important. It is the facial expression, tone and volume of voice, as well as the posture, tempo, and timing of movement. It is about learning to simply be present with the child and allowing the child emotional space to process through the stress.<br />
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This is an interactive process between the adult and the child, and thus, it is imperative that the adult be in a state of regulation. If the adult is stressed out and dysregulated, the adult's ability to create a state of regulation for the child is severely compromised. Have you ever been in a store and watched a stressed-out parent instructing the child to, "Calm down. Calm down, right now!"? The words are effective words; however, the delivery of the words is far more important to consider. It is not what you say, but how you say it.<br />
<br />
Imagine having the opportunity to sit next to Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., or Mother Teresa. How do you think you would feel simply sitting next to any one of these individuals who radiates pure love? Would your system automatically shift to a state of regulation? You undoubtedly would feel a sense of calm and peacefulness, even if words were not exchanged.<br />
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While this may be an extreme example, you do have the same ability to create this type of connection with a dysregulated child. This is the power of love and relationship. This is "interactive regulation." Interactive regulation is the ability to easily regulate one's emotional state through interactions with others. As the child experiences these interactions with you and through you, he will gain experiential knowledge of what it feels like to be regulated. He will have experiences of going from a state of dysregulation and upset to a state of peace and calm.<br />
<br />
As the child experiences this interactive regulation through your relationship with him, he then learns how to self-regulate, or as science is terming it, to "autoregulate." This is the ultimate gift we can give children--to be able to self-regulate in times of stress, without others and without external measures.<br />
<br />
Childhood is the most opportune time to accomplish this goal. Science is showing that positive emotional experiences carve permanent pathways into a child's developing neurological system. Every interaction you have with a child is an opportunity to help the child regulate, make a positive emotional connection, and literally lay down neural networks that will enhance his brain's capacity to handle stress and overwhelm later in life. Conversely, research states that if a significant amount of a child's emotional experiences are characterized by fear, then a negative and hopeless perspective becomes part of the child's personality framework.<br />
<br />
It is important to realize these experiences influence a child far more than we once believed. In the past, it was believed that children who grow up with an abundance of experiences of distress, fear, separation, and rage simply develop bad behaviors and bad habits. We now know that it goes much deeper than this; they develop ingrained negative neurological pathways that control much of what they do.<br />
<br />
The good news is that our brains are ever changing and ever creating new neuropathways. Neuroplasticity is the brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections based on life experiences. Yet it is vital to the healing process of children that these new neuropathways are formed from emotional experiences, not intellectual or cognitive experiences.<br />
<br />
These emotional experiences are not experiences that can be created in a therapist's office once a week for 50 minutes nor can they be created by being isolated in detention or by being suspended from school. These healing moments need to happen through the context of the adult-child relationship. It is in the moments when your child or student is most "raw" and the most dysregulated that you are being presented with an opportunity to create change and healing. It takes interacting from not just a new perspective but from an entirely new paradigm centered in the heart.<br />
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Press on,</td><td style="margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td bgcolor="" colspan="9" height="113" id="m_6069716796545864472m_3940669699221716503tdBodyText" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="Heather" class="CToWUd" height="57" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEiFzLqLrdguSTG-TvAdHwFy0u_8fKuFiBTKVR13wBCSUStyyHl4gFqVg5kDNL2bonKAC5wPIF772Lmeg_b0sqZz_is9FmdZ6DofnkbpRANyeCCKN4dOhDMwYb2JfMDx4CyLXFSKDF46eK157nJHy_L0mCyC2lrvjxx4tmW21xA=s0-d-e1-ft" width="144" /><em><strong>Heather T. Forbes, LCSW<br />Parent and Author of <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage1.com/track/click?u%3Deff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e%26id%3D287ef741fc%26e%3D0602b28445&source=gmail&ust=1500481359059000&usg=AFQjCNHt-ikvfBoWsOoRF8BcX-ik3hpOXg" href="http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage1.com/track/click?u=eff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e&id=287ef741fc&e=0602b28445" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1</a> & <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage.com/track/click?u%3Deff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e%26id%3D5b53e73d35%26e%3D0602b28445&source=gmail&ust=1500481359059000&usg=AFQjCNFr_xArtaB8CTdFoJ6m78cB7p44NA" href="http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage.com/track/click?u=eff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e&id=5b53e73d35&e=0602b28445" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Volume 2</a>,<br /><a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage.com/track/click?u%3Deff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e%26id%3D9f30c7ce99%26e%3D0602b28445&source=gmail&ust=1500481359059000&usg=AFQjCNEL1s_X5pViEi0zaAjEX0DOuwSLvg" href="http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage.com/track/click?u=eff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e&id=9f30c7ce99&e=0602b28445" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Dare to Love</a>, and <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage2.com/track/click?u%3Deff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e%26id%3D5d58fc9be4%26e%3D0602b28445&source=gmail&ust=1500481359059000&usg=AFQjCNFgert7pgkM9bEbhfxleQz3YcKR4Q" href="http://beyondconsequences.us13.list-manage2.com/track/click?u=eff4e316c9f4c4d3499b3f26e&id=5d58fc9be4&e=0602b28445" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Help for Billy</a>.</strong></em></td></tr>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620711105756104261noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6433287208473900517.post-80523200862177817342017-04-11T12:46:00.000-04:002017-04-11T12:46:04.683-04:00Shouldn't he be okay by now?<table align="center" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" id="m_-6800779939545531893yiv9434465557tdLayout" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; width: 603px;"><tbody>
<tr><td colspan="2" height="163" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="teen" class="CToWUd" height="163" id="m_-6800779939545531893ymail_ctr_id_-73737-76" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEgJfQ5f7yW6WNdF6Pm9MciwlwecjogXn2-poST58AAvVnynuwatSm91H-Yj1phsOj-Sl8IKqVtVDBEsErs5lKGuKuPOvVDLk4tY7LqYkMuL1381omC4jc-oFqLO4oDvqXWyO59ko6SoA0ceKqy1GgrSR21VOSZ6UVOiOO1y8PoME7a7Ig=s0-d-e1-ft" width="180" /></td><td colspan="7" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><em><strong><br />Q: For the past six years, we have been implementing the Beyond Consequences parenting model with our son and have seen a massive amount of improvements. We have changed our lifestyle, found the perfect school and teacher for him, and supported him with tutoring. I feel like my wife and I have even done much of our own work to keep ourselves from reacting and in a place of love with him. However, even after all of this, I still see our son struggling! I am frustrated because I truly know that he has everything</strong></em></td><td style="margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="399" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><em><strong>right in front of him to get better. Is there something more we should be doing that I've missed?</strong></em><br />
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A: Six years later with all the parameters in place <em>(just the right school; an amazing teacher; a patient tutor; a home environment that provides understanding, love, and support; a less stressful lifestyle; and parents who have done their own emotional work)</em> and your son is still struggling. I know it's so easy to ask, "Shouldn't he be okay by now?" Sometimes yes, but sometimes no. The reality may actually hold a different outcome and the reason comes down to one simple truth: Your son may not be ready to receive this understanding and help.<br />
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Ultimately, we have to understand our children are on their own journeys. They are on their own timetable and their own organic paths to healing. Healing takes courage and the ability to break down massive protective barriers, barriers that were created to protect the heart and soul from more overwhelming amounts of pain and fear.<br />
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Our work as parents is done after we have provided what you describe, all with an overabundance of support, understanding, and love. The only step after this is to detach--detach from the outcome. There is nothing more to do at this point. Just detach.<br />
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Detachment is hard because we live in a world that is outcome based. To stay focused on the process requires us to find the courage to place confidence in the power of love, to have certainty, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that love will never fail. What has failed us in the past is that fear got in the way and created more problems and more resistance.<br />
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<strong>We are asking our children to change and to trust in love; we must do the same.</strong> We are asking them to let go of their defenses and internal protective forces, thus we must also make these changes in order to complete this process for them.<br />
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Let go of your son's outcome. It is not about giving up; it is about letting go and changing the tool of measurement. Ask yourself about the process in which you engage with him: "Did I give him understanding, acceptance, and validation today?" These are the things that should be measured because these are, in reality, the only parts over which we have any control. We cannot control the outcome of any child, especially a child with a trauma history. Thinking that we can is in essence ignoring and discrediting the strength and power of free will.<br />
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We are on this planet in a framework of free will, all of us. This is why every one of us is resistant to power and control. We were given this gift to learn and experience what true love is. Each of us is here to migrate back to the essence of our origins--back to the fullness and completeness of unconditional love. For this reason, a controlling and fear-based model within any organization, whether it is a home environment, a corporation, a personal relationship, or a classroom, will always fail in the long term.<br />
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The solution is to flip the evaluation and focus back to us--the parent, the support person, the teacher, the therapist--because nothing is guaranteed except for the gift of giving love. It is then up to the receiver to receive the love or reject it, to either change or stay the same.<br />
<strong><br />Your ability to give love and stay mindful is the new outcome. </strong><br />
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At the end of each day, each year, each decade, or an entire lifetime, look back and ask yourself if you did all you could to make a loving and positive difference. We have been asking the wrong questions, which can only lead to feeling utterly unsuccessful. We have been asking whether our children behaved, whether or not they won the top honors, or whether they were accepted into Harvard. If you ask the wrong questions, you'll get the wrong answers.<br />
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The questions that each of us parenting and working with children should be asking are, "What was my level of love?" and "To what extent was I able to get outside of my own desires and agenda to be able to be in the shoes of this child?"<br />
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<strong>When you have been able to fully and unconditionally deliver everything your child needs, your work is complete.</strong> There is nothing else to do. It is then up to your child to receive the help and make the needed changes.<br />
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Sometimes our children can change, sometimes they cannot. Or perhaps they simply are not ready to change and it is not the right timing. At this point love is about letting go and stepping back to give our children their right to free will. There is nothing else to do but love them, create boundaries for them, be clear about expectations, and continue doing your best because your best is good enough. Let love take over from here and be kind and loving to yourself, always.<br />
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Press on,</td><td style="margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td bgcolor="" colspan="9" height="113" id="m_-6800779939545531893yiv9434465557tdBodyText" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="Heather" class="CToWUd" height="57" id="m_-6800779939545531893ymail_ctr_id_-626840-77" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEiFzLqLrdguSTG-TvAdHwFy0u_8fKuFiBTKVR13wBCSUStyyHl4gFqVg5kDNL2bonKAC5wPIF772Lmeg_b0sqZz_is9FmdZ6DofnkbpRANyeCCKN4dOhDMwYb2JfMDx4CyLXFSKDF46eK157nJHy_L0mCyC2lrvjxx4tmW21xA=s0-d-e1-ft" width="144" /><em><strong>Heather T. Forbes, LCSW<br />Parent and Author of <a class="m_-6800779939545531893yiv9434465557" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/33602/e00f101e3c8fe565/26920726/8b22766898925799&source=gmail&ust=1492013784070000&usg=AFQjCNHOpXn6Jnf03fE8XXwYVE8g0Q126w" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/33602/e00f101e3c8fe565/26920726/8b22766898925799" rel="nofollow" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1</a> & <a class="m_-6800779939545531893yiv9434465557" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/33604/1ee8cd2f03abc8a8/26920726/8b22766898925799&source=gmail&ust=1492013784071000&usg=AFQjCNEWUmTHgSYv_3gk66v36Rjws-zVBQ" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/33604/1ee8cd2f03abc8a8/26920726/8b22766898925799" rel="nofollow" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Volume 2</a>,<br /><a class="m_-6800779939545531893yiv9434465557" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/33606/746eb699087e70cb/26920726/8b22766898925799&source=gmail&ust=1492013784071000&usg=AFQjCNEguNheYeqMAg3y9Vak03jcFo-K1Q" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/33606/746eb699087e70cb/26920726/8b22766898925799" rel="nofollow" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Dare to Love</a>, and <a class="m_-6800779939545531893yiv9434465557" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/33608/6217cfbbeaf41377/26920726/8b22766898925799&source=gmail&ust=1492013784071000&usg=AFQjCNE_G__2uyakvvviEbij5fA9UJaPmA" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/33608/6217cfbbeaf41377/26920726/8b22766898925799" rel="nofollow" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Help for Billy</a>.</strong></em></td></tr>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620711105756104261noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6433287208473900517.post-84222816011937269152017-02-16T18:02:00.004-05:002017-02-16T18:02:35.160-05:00Why We Need Trauma-Informed Schools<table align="center" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" id="m_-3591524113494705946tdLayout" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; width: 600px;"><tbody>
<tr><td colspan="2" height="173" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="The Trauma Informed School" class="CToWUd" height="173" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEhXYff5BX0TuJyhBchJEkA2VhuwlcwwNAhYWoaaV9KPsZws5iJJDPVVuvz69lMoWcDhYFq8tcCRraoscyWp7iwFC-9ONXYDnNyRoRnx-mdBW6vlxQdbNLq42onR7X0NoVOKQxgYo9fcbUgYsQ8aUuKWibw_lLnqSmffcRaKaHEmFNifLvwN6-WJwbzYuA=s0-d-e1-ft" style="display: block;" width="180" /></td><td colspan="7" id="m_-3591524113494705946tdQuestionBox" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12.8px;"> In the mid 1990's, the United States Congress, along with several states, passed laws with the intention of reducing violence, notably gun violence, in schools. These laws not only encourage harsh punishments but in many cases, mandate them. Following the implementation of these laws, there was a rise in out-of-school suspensions and expulsions. The unfortunate fall-out for our most behaviorally challenged students is lost educational </span>opportunities<span style="font-size: 12.8px;"> and the labeling of them as </span><span style="font-size: 12.8px;">delinquents and criminals. Additionally, two decades of research shows no evidence that these laws and mandates have improved school safety or student behaviors.</span></div>
</td><td style="margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="154" id="m_-3591524113494705946tdBodyText" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top">These zero tolerance policies are the least trauma-informed policies ever put into practice in our schools. They ignore the mental and emotional needs of the most vulnerable of students in our schools and allow absolutely no understanding to the individual needs of students. Ironically, the students who need the most help are punished, judged, and pushed away, which only works to deepen their trauma related issues.<br />
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Trauma research is giving us answers as to why these earlier policies do not work. Neuroscience is showing how the brain is impacted when children grow up in stressful environments. Their brains are wired differently, they think from a platform of fear, and they have negative belief systems about themselves and the world in which they live. This creates challenges within the framework of our traditional disciplinary models. The result is that we are failing our students and asking them to be like all the "normal" kids yet they are neurologically unequipped to be able to do so.<br />
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For many of our students, they have experienced years of toxic stress in their home environments that shifted them into living every moment of everyday in survival mode. Their new "normal" is fear, reactivity, and failure. This is how they have survived. It is all they know. The result it that their brains are wired for fear...their brains are not "bad" and their reactivity isn't necessarily "wrong." They are products of their environments. They have survival brains and that's how they enter their classrooms everyday. What science is showing us, is that this is a brain issue, not a behavioral issue.<br />
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Using a trauma-informed approach within our schools is the answer. It is an approach that implements an understanding of trauma into the everyday practices and policies of an academic environment. Using a trauma-informed approach means changing how we interact with students and how we implement discipline in a way that is modified to be responsive to the impact of traumatic stress. A program that is "trauma-informed" operates within a framework that incorporates an understanding of the ways in which trauma impacts an individual's socio-emotional health.<br />
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Students who have been impacted by trauma carry a very heavy load and they operate at a perpetual high level of stress. For most, their trauma wasn't a one time-incident...it didn't happen overnight. It happened and continues to happen on a perpetual and long-term basis.<br />
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Children have a natural love for learning yet what we as a collective society have forgotten is that children are first emotional beings. They operate at an emotional level, not an intellectual level. That's the definition of being a child.<br />
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A survey was created by the Beyond Consequences Institute (BCI) to ask the opinions of students regarding what they need at school to make learning better. Students from first to twelfth grade completed the survey and their answers gave profound insights into the needs of these students. Only 2% of the students made suggestions regarding actual academic improvements. The remaining answers focused on suggestions to meet their social and emotional needs.<br />
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The students' responses centered on identifying ways the school could meet their physiological needs, safety concerns, relationship needs, and self-esteem needs. The collective responses from all the students created a similar framework to psychologist Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs theory. Maslow suggested that the needs of individuals must be met before they will have a strong desire for improving themselves and moving forward in their growth. In order of priority, Maslow theorized that individuals must have their physiological, safety, love/belonging/and esteem needs met prior to being motivated at the self-actualization level. He also believed that when these basic needs are deficient in one's life, the feelings of being anxious and tense are typically present.<br />
<br />
Taking this framework of human motivation developed by Maslow, the same basic principles can be applied directly to the student in the classroom. The "Hierarchy of Learning" pyramid describes why we need to have a trauma-informed approach in our schools. </td><td style="margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="181" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="Hierarchy of Learning" class="CToWUd a6T" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEhbOG-TNEpoDGZGd7rJww06RhyKY4MdXDGSEGg07YOeeFxaEu4l8Jz_7s8jM_f2rlz9MtTVPgK6UzdRzkb3kgOzP6tsmXaCOtYb1iJPNcMmbGOX5eA-Npkq8BxjCF6mn-JGIxzGIQl-zX7r8pd9gj4_ZAsUn80E2hMLsVpcCv09Vg3PFi4K9EOW1wc0qjc2Xw=s0-d-e1-ft" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; outline: 0px;" tabindex="0" width="560" /></td><td style="margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="54" id="m_-3591524113494705946tdBodyText" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top">Instead of addressing the top of the pyramid, which is what we have traditionally done, we must first address everything below the top in order to ultimately reach the top of the pyramid. Trusting the process of meeting the social and emotional needs of our students to achieve high test-scores and successful graduation rates is the ultimate in making the shift to a trauma-informed school.<br />
<br />
Press on,</td><td style="margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="113" id="m_-3591524113494705946tdBodyText" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="Heather" class="CToWUd" height="57" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEiFzLqLrdguSTG-TvAdHwFy0u_8fKuFiBTKVR13wBCSUStyyHl4gFqVg5kDNL2bonKAC5wPIF772Lmeg_b0sqZz_is9FmdZ6DofnkbpRANyeCCKN4dOhDMwYb2JfMDx4CyLXFSKDF46eK157nJHy_L0mCyC2lrvjxx4tmW21xA=s0-d-e1-ft" style="display: block;" width="144" /><em><strong>Heather T. Forbes, LCSW<br />Parent and Author of <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/33172/57c95b96d1212048/26555870/12ff342c665e6fca&source=gmail&ust=1487371219963000&usg=AFQjCNGfBLVprcs89DZwyPYYaOVU8gYwbg" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/33172/57c95b96d1212048/26555870/12ff342c665e6fca" style="color: #ffffff;" target="_blank">Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1</a> & <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/33174/b7b5dee3d48825f0/26555870/12ff342c665e6fca&source=gmail&ust=1487371219963000&usg=AFQjCNGNwsCUMbXGEVF2JyMaThRgeYVKYg" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/33174/b7b5dee3d48825f0/26555870/12ff342c665e6fca" style="color: #ffffff;" target="_blank">Volume 2</a>,<br /><a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/33176/642413b39446a6e1/26555870/12ff342c665e6fca&source=gmail&ust=1487371219963000&usg=AFQjCNGmRMJl_2cOfBTV2klsBgh4z3gHoA" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/33176/642413b39446a6e1/26555870/12ff342c665e6fca" style="color: #ffffff;" target="_blank">Dare to Love</a>, and <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/33178/df637aee03aac69b/26555870/12ff342c665e6fca&source=gmail&ust=1487371219963000&usg=AFQjCNH5IoG0p3wLb7NmSfzKno_kun0thg" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/33178/df637aee03aac69b/26555870/12ff342c665e6fca" style="color: #ffffff;" target="_blank">Help for Billy</a>.</strong></em></td></tr>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620711105756104261noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6433287208473900517.post-53584803638180961712016-11-21T13:31:00.001-05:002016-11-21T13:31:10.511-05:00The Power of Negative Beliefs<table align="center" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" id="m_-6410776850737488522tdLayout" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; width: 600px;"><tbody>
<tr><td colspan="2" height="165" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="Neural Pathways" class="CToWUd" height="165" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEi-H9xXz18lnsyneZ5crYIqX-KL1fdMQZr4G3CVPvaUIiSe9PTw2XDDuF7Y1XCgkQ2iH1whf1_M3EXPmfHV5rCYtWqdcX6FQN7sOnu28tCGxvrN9EWXmxNX6zkzZQ3zVxIbKOKZvS3nxNFFkgwHd9UDM5WZHjrRp7K5OWqSO6NGe_WDoA=s0-d-e1-ft" style="display: block;" width="220" /></td><td colspan="7" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><em><strong>Q: My son had a terrible early childhood history and constantly tells me he is a bad boy and that nobody loves him. Yet, no matter how much we tell him what a good boy he is or how much we love him, nothing seems to help. How can he continually reject these positive messages?</strong></em><br />
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A: From the moment a child is born, the child is dependent on others to care for him, nurture him, and teach him about the world. The child has no other option but to trust that the</td><td style="margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="798" id="m_-6410776850737488522tdBodyText" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top">information being given to him is the truth. He has no filters...he accepts everything as fact.<br />
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For a child who goes through early childhood trauma, he lives in a world of false messages that are absorbed as truth. <strong>Everything that is said to him becomes his reality. Everything that is done to him becomes a reflection of who he is.</strong><br />
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For example, if a child is emotionally abused and told he is worthless, that he won't amount to anything, or that the parent wishes he was never born, this child's internal belief system develops from these messages. This child believes he is worthless. His belief is that he is not lovable and that he should not be on the planet earth. <strong>Neurologically, we know that neurons that fire together wire together.</strong> So this belief system becomes ingrained and accepted at a deep subconscious and neurological level. These beliefs lay down the neural circuitry that then governs how this child behaves and responds to life events.<br />
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We then place this child in a different, more loving family. He is told that he is wonderful, that he is good, and that he is loved. The external messages are now in conflict with the internal messages. Which one do you think is stronger and louder? Of course, it is the internal voice of negativity that will dominate.<br />
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There is a profound gap between what others say and what the child's internal framework is saying, preventing this child from easily accepting any new messages beyond that which he already knows. <strong>The human brain is programmed to reject any belief that is not congruent (not the same) as one's own view.</strong><br />
Think about this from your own perspective. When someone comes up with a different belief than you have, what is your first reaction? You reject it. You dismiss this person as being on the fringe and you move on, maintaining your own reality in your mind. You might even argue with this person, defending your position in order to "save face" and to protect your own belief system.<br />
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Now back to the child in this example, the parent then tries to lovingly parent this child and to give this child positive messages of self-esteem and self-worth. Yet, what the parent doesn't realize is that <strong>the parent is up against the power of belief--up against the child's neurological mapping.</strong> No matter how many times this parent tells his new son, "I love you." or "You are a wonderful child." or similar positive messages, the old belief system of not being worthy and not being good enough continues to prevail. It is as if these messages are impervious to this child. These positive messages simply slide off the child as if there is a Teflon coating.<br />
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The reason is that these new messages are being given to the child at a cognitive level and are simply cognitive experiences. Yet, <strong>emotions play a powerful role in neural processing</strong>, much greater than language and cognition. In order to break through the old negative beliefs of this child, the parent has to dig deep within himself to interact with this child at a deeply profound emotional level. Love has the power to do this.<br />
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While the emotion of fear keeps this child locked in this negative belief system, it is also true that the emotion of love will release this child from this negative belief system. It takes parenting this child in a loving, safe, and emotionally available manner. And it won't be just one experience, but several experiences, over and over again, with this child being met at an emotional level, in order for new neural pathways to be created.<br />
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<strong>A new belief system is possible. It takes time, patience, understanding, tolerance, perseverance, and most importantly, emotional impact.</strong> For more information on a child's negative belief system and more concrete and practical ways to help him "re-write" them, see Chapter 5 of my book, "<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/32858/27c06e914d401a13/26023948/4df3690fc65eaf4f&source=gmail&ust=1479839273406000&usg=AFQjCNEsYy67iri5jxWwiIyQ_gCQuF-WEg" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/32858/27c06e914d401a13/26023948/4df3690fc65eaf4f" style="color: #ffffff;" target="_blank">Help for Billy</a>".<br />
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Love never fails...it simply takes learning how to love our children from their perspective and going beyond routine cognitive experiences.<br />
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Press on,<strong><br /></strong></td><td style="margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="113" id="m_-6410776850737488522tdBodyText" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="Heather" class="CToWUd" height="57" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEiFzLqLrdguSTG-TvAdHwFy0u_8fKuFiBTKVR13wBCSUStyyHl4gFqVg5kDNL2bonKAC5wPIF772Lmeg_b0sqZz_is9FmdZ6DofnkbpRANyeCCKN4dOhDMwYb2JfMDx4CyLXFSKDF46eK157nJHy_L0mCyC2lrvjxx4tmW21xA=s0-d-e1-ft" style="display: block;" width="144" /><em><strong>Heather T. Forbes, LCSW<br />Parent and Author of <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/32860/27f7d5c289303f62/26023948/4df3690fc65eaf4f&source=gmail&ust=1479839273406000&usg=AFQjCNGoP8IitnKc83eu_g3OFCnjnzwPuA" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/32860/27f7d5c289303f62/26023948/4df3690fc65eaf4f" style="color: #ffffff;" target="_blank">Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1</a> & <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/32862/d8f7aa1ba577deef/26023948/4df3690fc65eaf4f&source=gmail&ust=1479839273406000&usg=AFQjCNEiy9QZneRDopz3YktW3p5BF5Jxxg" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/32862/d8f7aa1ba577deef/26023948/4df3690fc65eaf4f" style="color: #ffffff;" target="_blank">Volume 2</a>,<br /><a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/32864/72fe88333c4921d2/26023948/4df3690fc65eaf4f&source=gmail&ust=1479839273406000&usg=AFQjCNEF50-MiERim2oSJ95nYV28S7D5Pw" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/32864/72fe88333c4921d2/26023948/4df3690fc65eaf4f" style="color: #ffffff;" target="_blank">Dare to Love</a>, and <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/32866/479a6d313a31496a/26023948/4df3690fc65eaf4f&source=gmail&ust=1479839273406000&usg=AFQjCNFABwwWTxL1wLc91XHxBI8gsYqUdQ" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/32866/479a6d313a31496a/26023948/4df3690fc65eaf4f" style="color: #ffffff;" target="_blank">Help for Billy</a>.</strong></em></td></tr>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620711105756104261noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6433287208473900517.post-63009770285046506582016-10-25T14:46:00.000-04:002016-10-25T14:46:05.516-04:00Preparing the In-laws and Out-laws for a Holiday Visit<table align="center" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" id="m_772116226039387172tdLayout" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; width: 600px;"><tbody>
<tr><td colspan="2" height="134" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="Grandparents" class="CToWUd" height="134" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEig1kyKwL8_VwBNmsPlkMg4Av0TPJl8T1F4dmat9pVguRS4Ks7eDq_3sIMnwoRIhompGLxpUnG2eNPmrSO0v1Ia4PvS5WT8qYxgjBdxG-CUa6r9oVdnM6t6tJOG0yummWsM8ThXCZXyPmCNEY3EAGHE6hdJHbgTCHo-PkiKdpIAHx0=s0-d-e1-ft" style="display: block;" width="180" /></td><td colspan="7" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><em><strong>Q: I need a quick way to explain to my parents (who will be visiting during the holidays) what is meant by "Parenting Beyond Consequences." They don't seem to understand the way I'm parenting and are quite critical of me. They aren't interested in the neuroscience or the brain research. They're simply coming from the old school of the basics, so any help you have would be appreciated!</strong></em></td><td style="margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="1010" id="m_772116226039387172tdBodyText" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top">A: <strong><em>Beyond Consequences</em></strong> can be a difficult concept to understand and to "wrap your brain around" when you've been living in a more traditional mindset for years, even generations. Love is about meeting people where they are and respecting their perspectives. Understanding that your parents are looking through the lens of the "old school" is the first place to start. From such a point of reference, this model is sometimes interpreted as if you're coddling or babying your child. The following explanation is written in more general terms in order to help a grandparent, relative, or anyone, begin to make a shift. <strong>Remember to be patient with them; you're shifting an entire paradigm and framework of interpretation.</strong><br />
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Children need unconditional love and unconditional acceptance from their parents; we all know this and believe this. However, do we ever stop to consider how so many of the traditional parenting techniques accepted in our culture work contrary to this primal goal? Traditional parenting techniques that involve consequences, controlling directives, and punishment are fear-based and fear-driven. They have the ability to undermine the parent-child relationship and because they are tied into behavior, children easily interpret these actions to mean, "If I'm not good, I am not lovable." Thus, children often build a subconscious foundation that says that love and approval is based off of performance.<br />
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<strong>Parenting from a love-based paradigm means going beyond our children's behavior and beyond consequences to first see that negative behavior is a form of communication and that negative behavior is a response to stress.</strong> If we see the kicking and screaming child as one who is having difficulty regulating due to an overflow of feelings and stress, we can learn to stay present with the child in order to help him modulate these overwhelming feelings and overabundance of stress and thus, help him to build his regulatory system. This is a child who has been "emotionally hijacked." Emotions are not logical or rational; this negative acting-out is the body's natural fear reaction gone awry.<br />
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Allowing a child emotional space to safely dissipate this energy will then allow him to calm down. As we provide reassurance, unconditional love, and emotional presence for our children, the need to act-out will disappear. Many times our children act-out simply because they do not feel that they are being listened to nor do they feel as if they have been heard. Staying present and reassuring a child that you really are listening to him, can sometimes be enough to help him begin to regulate.<b>The life lesson that the bad behavior is inappropriate does indeed need to be taught and reinforced.</b> However, this life lesson can only happen once the child is fully regulated (when the child is calm) and his cognitive thinking is intact. This is also the time to present alternatives to the negative acting-out behavior. This is how we teach our children instead of punishing them. <strong>The definition of discipline is to teach.</strong><br />
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The more we can stay focused on the relationship with our children and strengthening this relationship instead of controlling it through consequences, logic, and control, the more we will be helping our children learn to work through their stress appropriately. Below are four pointers to going beyond consequences:<br />
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<b>1. Just Be Happy!-But I'm not! </b>Did anyone ever tell you, "Just think happy thoughts and it will be okay."? Did it really work? Probably not. Emotions do not simply disappear. If feelings are not acknowledged and released, they are stored and become part of our physical make-up. Research has convincingly shown that being able to express feelings like anger and grief can improve survival rates in cancer patients. With our children, feelings that become stored and "stuffed" become activators for negative behaviors.<br />
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<b>2. ALL Feelings are Good Feelings</b> - As parents, it is important for us to understand the necessity of emotional expression, both in teaching it to our children and in modeling it to them. Blocked feelings can inhibit growth, learning, and the building of a trusting relationship between the parent and child. The first step to take is to recognize that ALL emotions are healthy. In our culture, feelings such as joy, peace, and courage are seen as good feelings, yet feelings such as sad, mad, and scared are seen as negative feelings. We must rethink our interpretion so this: <b>Negative feelings don't create acting-out behaviors; it is the lack of expression of the negative feelings that creates the acting out.</b><br />
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<b>3. Get to the Core of the Behavior </b>- When children are acting out and being defiant, we need to begin to understand that their behaviors are simply a communication of an dysregulated state that is driving these behaviors. If we simply address the behavior, we miss the opportunity to help children express and understand themselves from a deeper regulatory and emotional level. We need to help our children build their emotional intelligence. Start by modeling basic feeling words to your child. Keep it simple and teach the five basic feeling words: sad, mad, happy, scared, and grateful. Even the youngest of children can learn to say, "I'm mad!" When the toddler is throwing his toys or the teenager is having his version of a tantrum, encourage him at that moment to get to the core of the behavior through emotional expression. Remember:…it really isn't about the behavior. They really do know better than to do these things.<br />
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<b>4. Responding vs. Reacting</b> - So the next time your child becomes defiant, talks back, or is simply "ugly" to you, work to be in a place not to react to the behavior, but respond to your child. Respond to your child in an open way-open to meeting him in his heart and helping him understand the overload of feelings that are driving the behaviors. He doesn't need a consequence or another parental directive at that moment; he just needs you to be present with him (this does not mean you agree with the behavior, it means you are not correlating his behavior with your acceptance of him as a person). As your child learns to respond back to you positively through the parent-child relationship, he won't have the need to communicate through negative behaviors anymore. You'll both have more energy for each other, building a relationship that will last a lifetime and more energy to learn how to do it differently the next time.<br />
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For more parenting tips, check out some of my videos on Youtube:<br />
1.) <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/32352/c8c462a9f920f1f7/25481552/6c4283162039ce42&source=gmail&ust=1477507279854000&usg=AFQjCNFLgyDQXIKlwWf23oPi09qBw-xtXA" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/32352/c8c462a9f920f1f7/25481552/6c4283162039ce42" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Sibling Rivalry</a><br />
2.) <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/32354/d237d45e715b91e6/25481552/6c4283162039ce42&source=gmail&ust=1477507279854000&usg=AFQjCNEsthzsLZ1Qn3vmxIPh56RJtjfS1w" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/32354/d237d45e715b91e6/25481552/6c4283162039ce42" style="color: white;" target="_blank">The Missing Piece</a><br />
3.) <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/32356/d08b713185153a4f/25481552/6c4283162039ce42&source=gmail&ust=1477507279854000&usg=AFQjCNFzYdfh1xex21i7UEz83Yc1wPiXGQ" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/32356/d08b713185153a4f/25481552/6c4283162039ce42" style="color: white;" target="_blank">The Parent's Stress</a><br />
4.) <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/32358/22651cdb72b09b5b/25481552/6c4283162039ce42&source=gmail&ust=1477507279854000&usg=AFQjCNHwxwBEWzrNBph32qLgc_6cSH_V1g" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/32358/22651cdb72b09b5b/25481552/6c4283162039ce42" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Chores</a><br />
5.) <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/32360/17d2a6e147fbc4ec/25481552/6c4283162039ce42&source=gmail&ust=1477507279854000&usg=AFQjCNEAMF-bdvPGDnzCiqJqhFFFL8D0zg" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/32360/17d2a6e147fbc4ec/25481552/6c4283162039ce42" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Overwhelm</a><br />
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I hope the upcoming holidays are peaceful and loving. And remember, it's not a behavioral problem; it's a regulatory problem! Press on,<strong><br /></strong></td><td style="margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="113" id="m_772116226039387172tdBodyText" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="Heather" class="CToWUd" height="57" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEiFzLqLrdguSTG-TvAdHwFy0u_8fKuFiBTKVR13wBCSUStyyHl4gFqVg5kDNL2bonKAC5wPIF772Lmeg_b0sqZz_is9FmdZ6DofnkbpRANyeCCKN4dOhDMwYb2JfMDx4CyLXFSKDF46eK157nJHy_L0mCyC2lrvjxx4tmW21xA=s0-d-e1-ft" style="display: block;" width="144" /><em><strong>Heather T. Forbes, LCSW<br />Parent and Author of <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/32362/10194af89b9475fe/25481552/6c4283162039ce42&source=gmail&ust=1477507279854000&usg=AFQjCNF-HBmrRsTxbkbJDFIGimml69FYow" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/32362/10194af89b9475fe/25481552/6c4283162039ce42" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1</a> & <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/32364/ffdc01da0ee2a9a1/25481552/6c4283162039ce42&source=gmail&ust=1477507279854000&usg=AFQjCNHBv6fPSH1yBysXtrBxVgx6GReJKA" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/32364/ffdc01da0ee2a9a1/25481552/6c4283162039ce42" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Volume 2</a>,<br /><a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/32366/2b4bad1cf7823b4c/25481552/6c4283162039ce42&source=gmail&ust=1477507279854000&usg=AFQjCNFmVkkl8z_FSAqXC9Tis2B1wM_aaQ" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/32366/2b4bad1cf7823b4c/25481552/6c4283162039ce42" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Dare to Love</a>, and <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/32368/61fa534853635252/25481552/6c4283162039ce42&source=gmail&ust=1477507279854000&usg=AFQjCNFf8CLIwphBez0r0vKSzCPOGKcOGA" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/32368/61fa534853635252/25481552/6c4283162039ce42" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Help for Billy</a>.</strong></em></td></tr>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620711105756104261noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6433287208473900517.post-42055183792902465432016-09-27T14:29:00.000-04:002016-09-27T14:29:15.153-04:00When Your Child Hates Everything<table align="center" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; width: 600px;"><tbody>
<tr><td colspan="2" height="178" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="graffiti" class="CToWUd" height="178" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEjKRhGGA5KpVkhuGZGAZKL1afITO7PTCtWKTm1EFttxOg5-53l2-Cw64K-cEVR1wUshGhHWKmOaPTk58ebm1lzWxu86iIjho89eafpDBofkFShh_9lNQfaDdQe7yYa0G_8CT24P1RaO8A0p1z9ZSGKu1ZWdyPjj58wXvNbfPQAwms4=s0-d-e1-ft" style="display: block;" width="199" /></td><td colspan="7" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><div align="left">
<em><strong>Q: My 8-year-old son "hates" everything: the particular car driving down the street, the shirt I'm wearing, the kid next door, the color of the living room, the cashier at the grocery store, etc., etc. I am having trouble understanding this and how to deal with it. Any insights?</strong></em><br />
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A: I'm certain that this is a maddening place to be with your son and that it feels as if nothing will make him happy. There's nothing more frustrating than to try to send positive energy to someone, only to be met with resistance and negativity. </div>
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<tr><td colspan="9" height="966" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top">In order to reverse your child's perception of the world as negative, it will first take a new understanding of why he "hates" everything. When children's needs are met early in their development, their blueprint for the world becomes positive and optimistic. When a baby is crying and sending out stress signals, he is in need of nurturing and comforting care. When this is given to him, his system is shifted back to a state of regulation and the world is a good place-he develops a sense of optimism.<br />
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If he is not cared for and if he is left on his own to navigate through his internal stress, the world becomes a scary place. <b>Negative repetitious conditioning breeds an outlook of pessimism. </b>No matter how much he cries, no matter what he does, he can't seem to convince his caretakers to help him. Helplessness and overwhelm prevail. For such a child, nothing is working, so his universal blueprint of "nothing is right" is being created.<br />
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A child who "hates" everything is a child in a perpetual state of fear and dysregulation. His neurophysiological system has been programmed to see the world as half empty instead of half full. He truly doesn't know that everything is going to be all right. He really doesn't know that good always overcomes evil. Essentially,<b> he is programmed to live an operatic tragedy instead of a light-hearted drama.</b><br />
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Think about this...isn't it great to simply go to Netflix and pick out what kind of movie you want? Maybe it is a romantic comedy; maybe it is an action movie; maybe even during this Halloween season it is a horror flick.<br />
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But in our own realities, we don't have the luxury of returning one life and checking out another so quickly. What we do have are three key elements to make significant changes to our life stories: 1) understanding, 2) relationship, and 3) plasticity.<br />
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The first of these, understanding, was addressed in the beginning of this article. The second, relationships, is something that is always available to initiate. <b>Healing happens in the context of relationships, and most fervently through the context of the parent-child relationship. </b>And third, plasticity, is what an 8-year-old has plenty of. The brain continues to make major changes until we are 25 years old.<br />
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Your child needs to know that the world is safe and good. In order to do this, it will take creating a deeper relationship with him. It will take helping him to express himself at a deeper level. The next time he makes a negative statement, such as, "I hate the shirt you are wearing," sit with him and listen to him. Ask him more about what he hates.<br />
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Validate his negativity instead of trying to convince him of something more positive. "You really do hate this shirt. Wow. Help me understand how much you hate it. Tell me more." As he expresses himself, help him shift into the feelings behind these words. (It's really not about the shirt.) "How does that make you feel?"<br />
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<b>Essentially, his "I hate the world" statements are indicators of his own internal reality: "The world hates me and I don't even deserve to be in this world." </b>When a child (or adult) feels this depth of darkness from within himself, it makes sense as to why all his comments are negative towards his external environment.<br />
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Think about a time when you were just in a bad mood. Nothing seemed to be right; nothing seemed to be the way you wanted it to be. Your perception of the world matched your negative framework. So, it is the same with your child, simply at a deeper level within the core of his being.<br />
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When you can help him to move into this core area within himself by listening, validating, maximizing, tolerating, accepting, and staying present with him, you'll be there in relationship to guide him towards feeling safe and loved. Thus, you'll be able to guide him to see that the world is good and hope does exist. It will take positive repetitious conditioning to do this for him (see <i>Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control, </i>Chapter 3).<br />
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The reason this works is because our neurological systems are "plastic." We have the ability to change and be molded, especially children. Your son is growing and developing everyday. He still has years ahead of him to create new neuropathways. Every interaction with you is an opportunity to literally change his brain and lay down new neuropatterns of positive thought and positive outlook.<br />
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Work to stay in a place of understanding, keep yourself regulated, and know that through loving influence, you have the ability to create exactly the environment he needs for healing, hope, and optimism.<br />
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Press on,<strong><br /></strong></td><td style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="113" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="Heather" class="CToWUd" height="57" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEiFzLqLrdguSTG-TvAdHwFy0u_8fKuFiBTKVR13wBCSUStyyHl4gFqVg5kDNL2bonKAC5wPIF772Lmeg_b0sqZz_is9FmdZ6DofnkbpRANyeCCKN4dOhDMwYb2JfMDx4CyLXFSKDF46eK157nJHy_L0mCyC2lrvjxx4tmW21xA=s0-d-e1-ft" style="display: block;" width="144" /><em><strong>Heather T. Forbes, LCSW<br />Parent and Author of <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/31754/b395b9b686aa00ad/25051902/ef6d59bc0ea5422e&source=gmail&ust=1475087022933000&usg=AFQjCNEEdqlCreZBHslyRu-J25x1jODBdg" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/31754/b395b9b686aa00ad/25051902/ef6d59bc0ea5422e" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1</a> & <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/31756/e5f0969efb821791/25051902/ef6d59bc0ea5422e&source=gmail&ust=1475087022933000&usg=AFQjCNGQwIgCA3bS-jha1oOpNGdhichSQQ" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/31756/e5f0969efb821791/25051902/ef6d59bc0ea5422e" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Volume 2</a>,<br /><a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/31758/bb5844f392be870d/25051902/ef6d59bc0ea5422e&source=gmail&ust=1475087022933000&usg=AFQjCNEiwSM8BEWB55EaxJjva9olJk1CYQ" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/31758/bb5844f392be870d/25051902/ef6d59bc0ea5422e" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Dare to Love</a>, and <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/31760/98750c5695f5209a/25051902/ef6d59bc0ea5422e&source=gmail&ust=1475087022933000&usg=AFQjCNEmh0In_4Xqh3uoHKFxjPH6mikQjg" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/31760/98750c5695f5209a/25051902/ef6d59bc0ea5422e" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Help for Billy</a>.</strong></em></td></tr>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620711105756104261noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6433287208473900517.post-78207704108246833082016-08-22T12:55:00.002-04:002016-08-22T12:55:54.198-04:00Teaching Trauma in the Classroom<table align="center" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; width: 600px;"><tbody>
<tr><td colspan="2" height="158" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="Teaching Trauma" class="CToWUd" height="158" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEjjXP4KXur0c8qR2VwZA1Geu3rvxPCW7NCXHXDEaQ4a1m3wOaV-4sekOpYA8g-HcGzO7VHtynu19i8h3BKs3ZdeiqSmvIyDmrz6E7DugEYR8_lcGZ0lXjvhD49SrGUzqzOums0V9ylWcG7o3sWF0dsUqLGhLgL79gX4IuwW5Lco_-XnpA=s0-d-e1-ft" style="display: block;" width="200" /></td><td colspan="7" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><div align="center">
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Children are vulnerable. In an optimal environment, they are not expected to experience this vulnerability until later in life when their minds and nervous systems are equipped to handle elevated levels of fear, stress, and overwhelm. Yet, the key phrase here is "optimal environment." Unfortunately, we live in the "real" world, so children will often find themselves in situations that are far from the optimal and the result can be childhood trauma.</td><td style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="500" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top">Childhood trauma happens at both the emotional and psychological level and it can have a negative impact on the child's developmental process. During a traumatic event (abuse, neglect, adoption, accidents, birth trauma, etc.), the lifelong impact is even greater if the child believes he powerless, helpless, and hopeless. When a child experiences one or all of these feelings, he begins to believe the world is dangerous. Repeated experiences of these feelings will create a lasting imprint from which he operates and behaves. A framework based in fear and survival becomes the child's viewpoint of the world around him.<br />
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These early life experiences then influence the child's ability to "behave," or more correctly expressed, the child's ability to stay "regulated." Trauma impacts a child's ability to stay calm, balanced, and oriented. Instead, children with traumatic histories often find themselves in a "dysregulated" state, which manifests into a child who does not behave, cannot focus, and/or lacks motivation. It is not a matter of choice or a matter of "good" child verses "bad" child; it is simply an imprint from the child's past history. It's the child's new normal.<br />
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When working with children like this in the classroom, the most effective way to work with them is to work at the level of regulation, relationship, and emotional safety instead of at the level of behavior. These children's issues are not behavioral; they are regulatory. Working at the level of regulation, relationship, and emotional safety addresses more deeply critical forces within these children that go far beyond the exchanges of language, choices, stars, and sticker charts.<br />
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Traditional disciplinary techniques focus on altering the left hemisphere through language, logic, and cognitive thinking. These approaches are ineffective because the regulatory system is altered more effectively through a different part of the brain known as the limbic system. The limbic system operates at the emotional level, not at the logical level. Therefore, we must work to regulate these children at the level of the limbic system, which happens most easily through the context of human connection.<br />
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When the teacher says to a non-traumatized child, "Andy, can you please settle down and quietly have a seat?" Andy has the internal regulatory ability to respond appropriately to his teacher because trauma has not interrupted his developmental maturation of developing self-regulation tools and feeling like he is safe in the world. However, when Billy (the traumatized child) is asked the same question, his response is much different. He takes the long way around the classroom to his seat, he continues to not only talk but projects his voice across the room as if he is still out in the playground, and once seated continues to squirm and wiggle.<br />
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Traditionally, we have interpreted Billy as a disruptive child, pasted the label ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) onto him, and reprimanded him for his "naughty" behavior. What we have failed to see is that Billy cannot settle down on his own. His internal system has not experienced the appropriate patterning to know how to be well behaved like his classmate Andy and Billy does not know he is safe in this world, even if he is now in a safe environment.<br />
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The brain-body system is a pattern-matching machine. A child with little internal self-control will pattern himself according to his past external experiences. If his past experiences have been chaotic, disruptive, and overwhelming (trauma), he will continue acting this way until new patterns are established. Thus, a child coming into a calm and safe classroom is still likely to be acting as if he is in his previous chaotic and unsafe environment. A child can be taken out of trauma but not so easily can the trauma be taken out of the child. Past patterns of chaos are now the current framework for navigating his world; he knows no different.<br />
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The most effective way to change these patterns comes through safe, nurturing, attuned, and strong human connection. For the student in the classroom, it comes through the teacher-student relationship. The reality is, for our traumatized children to learn and achieve academically, science is showing that they must be engaged at the relational level prior to any academic learning.<br />
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Press on,<strong><br /></strong></td><td style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="113" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="Heather" class="CToWUd" height="57" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEiFzLqLrdguSTG-TvAdHwFy0u_8fKuFiBTKVR13wBCSUStyyHl4gFqVg5kDNL2bonKAC5wPIF772Lmeg_b0sqZz_is9FmdZ6DofnkbpRANyeCCKN4dOhDMwYb2JfMDx4CyLXFSKDF46eK157nJHy_L0mCyC2lrvjxx4tmW21xA=s0-d-e1-ft" style="display: block;" width="144" /><em><strong>Heather T. Forbes, LCSW<br />Parent and Author of <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30954/2997e936ca065122/24712872/c21a8f79e93c0131&source=gmail&ust=1471969418643000&usg=AFQjCNGvJMjF7Nc79Te5q6dLAvlIPaObWQ" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30954/2997e936ca065122/24712872/c21a8f79e93c0131" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1</a> & <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30956/6a84e62aea06e5a6/24712872/c21a8f79e93c0131&source=gmail&ust=1471969418643000&usg=AFQjCNE1FePZPUjS95JtewXLA7XErUydPQ" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30956/6a84e62aea06e5a6/24712872/c21a8f79e93c0131" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Volume 2</a>,<br /><a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30958/46f2a13689225c2b/24712872/c21a8f79e93c0131&source=gmail&ust=1471969418643000&usg=AFQjCNGxxiLO_dJq_z3RXDfKbQrvmdAQbw" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30958/46f2a13689225c2b/24712872/c21a8f79e93c0131" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Dare to Love</a>, and <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30960/d98d2e4378da1b8a/24712872/c21a8f79e93c0131&source=gmail&ust=1471969418643000&usg=AFQjCNHzTIGR1JbbKPnjKBBg1qjlcti0zw" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30960/d98d2e4378da1b8a/24712872/c21a8f79e93c0131" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Help for Billy</a>.</strong></em></td></tr>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620711105756104261noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6433287208473900517.post-2886259823880606882016-07-26T12:55:00.000-04:002016-07-26T12:55:45.519-04:00Growing and Healing Through the Struggles<table align="center" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; width: 600px;"><tbody>
<tr><td colspan="2" height="141" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="Emotional Sponge" class="CToWUd" height="143" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEj0sQ9jlLpcB8WbcFcbWUmM8hMGcirezEBPw_tDSIYcCLyX3-QSCyH_wg3PjYT2IdoF6nPaXrKgNd9Y_18cDSygTb2vp_9XYDVEcxkMojtHdDqQzGe0YXrCD3d-eMuwTZx0WizCLXm11RRZnGyv4iGLUQn7iyCTeFfn_qY=s0-d-e1-ft" style="display: block;" width="160" /></td><td colspan="7" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top">From Heather's Daily Reflections:<br />
<em><em><br />"In order for children to open up to their past trauma memories, the parent has to be willing to be a 'parental sponge'--acknowledging, absorbing, and experiencing every feeling, every tear, and every fear associated with the trauma. Now that is connection!"</em></em><br />
<em><em><br /></em><strong style="font-weight: bold;">Q</strong><b>: I just read my first reflection, regarding being a parental </b></em><em><strong>sponge and while I agree with the spirit of it, my concern is this: </strong></em><em><strong>"Experiencing your child's or client's trauma at such an intensity, couldn't that create </strong></em></td><td style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="517" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><em><strong>trauma for the person being the 'sponge'?" I feel I am very empathic but how can I do that without hurting myself?</strong></em><br />
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<strong>A: </strong>This is an insightful question. Traditionally, most of us are empathic and give compassion in a way that ultimately drains us. This is because of a core belief that tells us that by giving empathy, we will be able to make this person better or that we have the ability to "fix" the problem for this person.<br />
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We own that it is up to us to get this person to shift into a calm, peaceful, and regulated state. Their issue then becomes our issue and we stay focused on the outcome of them being better.<br />
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It becomes a simple mathematical equation. If I give empathy (E), if I listen (L), and if I spend my time with this person (T) , he will be better (B). E + L + T = B<br />
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Yet, when we give these three and the result is not what we expected, we feel a sense of failure. We turn it back on ourselves and hear the old negative tapes playing in our head, "I didn't try hard enough." "I'm not good enough." "I should have done something different." BAM! The negative feedback loop then feeds on itself right within our own mind. Fatigue, overwhelm, and even resentment begin to brew within our internal selves.<br />
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In order to be a sponge, the only action we need to take is to simply be present with our child <em>(or friend, spouse, coworker)</em>. <strong>It is not up to us to make this person better. The reality is that we cannot change or fix another person.</strong> We can surround them with support; we can love them unconditionally, free of judgment or control; we can set appropriate boundaries, and we can align with their pain. Yet in doing this, it is still ultimately up to them to make their life work.<br />
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Additionally, if we enter into an interaction with a child, expecting him to be better, we are actually adding more stress to the equation, which will create more fear and hinder the healing process. We must stay focused on giving our love without expecting anything in return. That is the essential definition of love.<br />
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Entering into an interaction with an expectation of an outcome is not true love. This is conditional love.<strong>Conditional love drains us. Unconditional love energizes and liberates us.</strong>So that is the theory and I know you are reading this and wanting some meat to chew on--you want application to your 16-year-old teenager whose girlfriend just dumped him and he is feeling like the entire world is coming to an end. You see how his past abandonment issues are being triggered and how this situation is being magnified due to his early adoption history.<br />
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Reprogram your thinking to see that what he needs is your support, your attention, and your unconditional acceptance. <strong>It is not up to you to make this okay for him. Trust that it is in the struggles of life that we learn and grow to our maximum potential.</strong>By being empathetic, by listening, by spending time, and being present with him you are doing EVERYTHING for him. <strong>Stay focused on the outcome of you being the absolutely best parent you can be, no matter the outcome of his emotional state at the moment.</strong> Your "success" cannot be tied to his feeling better instantaneously.<br />
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Keep being the sponge for your child's pain. Become energized by the power of putting unconditional love into action. There is no greater state to be in on this planet!<br />
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Press on,<strong><br /></strong></td><td style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="113" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="Heather" class="CToWUd" height="57" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEiFzLqLrdguSTG-TvAdHwFy0u_8fKuFiBTKVR13wBCSUStyyHl4gFqVg5kDNL2bonKAC5wPIF772Lmeg_b0sqZz_is9FmdZ6DofnkbpRANyeCCKN4dOhDMwYb2JfMDx4CyLXFSKDF46eK157nJHy_L0mCyC2lrvjxx4tmW21xA=s0-d-e1-ft" style="display: block;" width="144" /><em><strong>Heather T. Forbes, LCSW<br />Parent and Author of <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30731/012e336ee74fb9be/24659615/04eaba86d404e86e&source=gmail&ust=1469638182351000&usg=AFQjCNGMOjAbW75nWyv2YPu1c8T926Poqg" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30731/012e336ee74fb9be/24659615/04eaba86d404e86e" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1</a> & <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30733/3b2928013205713d/24659615/04eaba86d404e86e&source=gmail&ust=1469638182351000&usg=AFQjCNHA4rRZIrleGoFpVvNiBtsQj8wbGQ" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30733/3b2928013205713d/24659615/04eaba86d404e86e" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Volume 2</a>,<br /><a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30735/c26de5bc071f055c/24659615/04eaba86d404e86e&source=gmail&ust=1469638182351000&usg=AFQjCNH_bkq5WYF3eCeM9xz4pHBCizm-CA" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30735/c26de5bc071f055c/24659615/04eaba86d404e86e" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Dare to Love</a>, and <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30737/6151eb619168fafa/24659615/04eaba86d404e86e&source=gmail&ust=1469638182351000&usg=AFQjCNF8GS9Lg53jbk9Oj5bUM9KZitx1FQ" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30737/6151eb619168fafa/24659615/04eaba86d404e86e" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Help for Billy</a>.</strong></em></td></tr>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620711105756104261noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6433287208473900517.post-36147899736731236572016-06-28T12:17:00.002-04:002016-06-28T12:17:55.956-04:00The Power of Parenting<table align="center" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; width: 603px;"><tbody>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="31" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><br /></td><td style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td height="141" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="Mother and Daughter" class="CToWUd" height="170" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEiGr16r9Sz8kZXrXpjAXrsdMS_JzPc1LwXmQ0hy-IhHBkGw0ypMWF9T9Rm7u3Wm0b4yp5IXjyauPd5LsjjvC1UwjHXZK6mdY9zOKz3yCXv_-z-pZBwUlfyGPcoA3KOYKW8iZVZD1L1aQ4irnEiDmTI8qzKkE9iHj4gxLirjRZiN4m7_3qTIlg=s0-d-e1-ft" style="display: block;" width="130" /></td><td colspan="8" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><em><strong><br />Q: I'm having a difficult time keeping myself focused on parenting in the Beyond Consequences way. I read several of your books and agree with them, but there are days that I feel like it is all for nothing. We have one good day where I think, "Great, this is it." Then the next three days we all are dysregulated and I feel discouraged. I keep thinking that I'd rather go back to my full-time job, working 60 hours a week with deadlines due yesterday! Do you have any words of wisdom?</strong></em></td><td style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="53" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><br /><strong>A:</strong><strong> </strong>A few of days ago, I was attending a small group meeting and in order to introduce a few new members at this group, an icebreaker was given. We were asked to go around the room and instead of telling what we did for a living, we were asked what our parents did for a living when we were growing up. Several of the participants, after describing credentialed careers of high cultural status of their fathers, remarked, "But my mom was just a housewife."<br /><br />Just a housewife! How sad I was to hear this coming from grown men and women who had a parent home with them to support them, guide them, and teach them around the clock. Parenting is the most important job on this planet. You know this, I know this, but there has not been enough recognition in our society. Perhaps this is due to the intangible nature of this job. This job does not have a paycheck, there are no holiday bonuses, and there is no big desk to sit behind with plaques and certificates to recognize the accomplishments or to present the significance of this job to others.<br /><br />Good news - this has changed! We are now living in a time where we can show real, tangible evidence of how important this job of parenting is for children. We now have solid, objective evidence that shows the need and importance of safe, attuned, and supportive parenting.<br /><br />To give you an example, the image below shows the brain scans of two different three-year-olds. On the left side is a healthy three-year-old who has been in a nurturing and loving home his entire life. This child is showing an average size head (50th percentile). On the right side is a three-year-old who suffered severe sensory-deprivation neglect. This child's head is significantly smaller than average (3rd percentile). These images are taken from Dr. Bruce Perry's research ("Childhood Experience and the Expression of Genetic Potential: What Childhood Neglect Tells Us About Nature and Nurture." Brain and Mind 3: 79-100, 2002).<br /></td><td style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td height="100" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"> </td><td colspan="4" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="The Brain" class="CToWUd" height="206" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEjqixry46O4pPXMZRlFRVtkyHqoYrZNvo2Jb5fnl4PRSowYYfiQeOFOj-InMFoX4wS7wCm-pNfTkRz7AkmwCnhera58E9Ieu2dWqksWEQ9nP-yDSlVnL0FEKE_bTjbARd906uZSHz5gD5Rdm3inXyG3ecIlUB9xsJqaOlG-IHKnsc4=s0-d-e1-ft" style="display: block;" width="296" /></td><td colspan="4" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"> </td><td style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="364" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><br />While this example is extreme in nature, other examples of research have shown the significance of nurturing care. Research is showing that simple changes in a child's environment can literally change a child's physiology. We are seeing that by placing children with trauma histories in calmer environments with more love-based parenting techniques where a deep level of emotional safety is created, stress hormones within these children's body systems are decreasing. This means that parents have the ability to literally change the chemical make-up of their children (not to mention themselves, as well)! Certainly this is a job is just as powerful as the attorney next door or the mayor of your city.<br /><br />From the research today, our responsibility, or "job description," as parents, is to help our children heal. While not an easy task, it is possible. It takes us changing our perspective not only to understand our children and ourselves, but a change in our understanding as to the significance of parenting. No more "just a housewife."<br /><br />So, instead of waking up in the morning thinking, "I've got to get up, fix my children breakfast, pack their lunches, somehow get them out to school on time through the tantrums and meltdowns, and then prepare myself for the dreaded homework after school!" I encourage you to say to yourself, <strong>"Today is the day that I will press on to help change my child's brain. Today is the day that I have the ability to create safety for my child through predictability, understanding, and loving support in order to help my child heal at a physiological and emotional level." </strong><br /><br />Wow! Now that is something worth jumping out of bed for!<br /><br />Press on,<strong><br /></strong></td><td style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="113" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="Heather" class="CToWUd" height="57" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEiFzLqLrdguSTG-TvAdHwFy0u_8fKuFiBTKVR13wBCSUStyyHl4gFqVg5kDNL2bonKAC5wPIF772Lmeg_b0sqZz_is9FmdZ6DofnkbpRANyeCCKN4dOhDMwYb2JfMDx4CyLXFSKDF46eK157nJHy_L0mCyC2lrvjxx4tmW21xA=s0-d-e1-ft" style="display: block;" width="144" /><em><strong>Heather T. Forbes, LCSW<br />Parent and Author of <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30409/b86c4a30aa218754/24245963/e8f7a2e1f4d8584e&source=gmail&ust=1467216763270000&usg=AFQjCNHzC32wmXfB1TFeaW7elj5Q8K24Ww" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30409/b86c4a30aa218754/24245963/e8f7a2e1f4d8584e" style="color: #ffffff;" target="_blank">Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1</a> & <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30411/f44b5944f8787a5b/24245963/e8f7a2e1f4d8584e&source=gmail&ust=1467216763270000&usg=AFQjCNGxhSmuaG8GPGQl_L2jJPbGH2eE7A" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30411/f44b5944f8787a5b/24245963/e8f7a2e1f4d8584e" style="color: #ffffff;" target="_blank">Volume 2</a>,<br /><a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30413/f968565975aac429/24245963/e8f7a2e1f4d8584e&source=gmail&ust=1467216763270000&usg=AFQjCNHdj2t4K4DFY5TxKIySkpHgtFe6Xg" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30413/f968565975aac429/24245963/e8f7a2e1f4d8584e" style="color: #ffffff;" target="_blank">Dare to Love</a>, and <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30415/221d07b4ae217a4d/24245963/e8f7a2e1f4d8584e&source=gmail&ust=1467216763270000&usg=AFQjCNEQ1icXLXpYJn7W3CxIdNWZv6raJg" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30415/221d07b4ae217a4d/24245963/e8f7a2e1f4d8584e" style="color: #ffffff;" target="_blank">Help for Billy</a>.</strong></em></td></tr>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620711105756104261noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6433287208473900517.post-78441425941958133422016-05-26T18:08:00.001-04:002016-05-26T18:08:06.911-04:00Success or Failure<table align="center" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; width: 600px;"><tbody>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="31" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><br /></td><td style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;"><br /></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" height="150" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="Success or Failure" class="CToWUd" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEi__Z8zvAUrDHrJPXMDZ9jqKIFSeALQ4a5cXRF57TU5HLpr1JFugctie1Y1TyNRFlAevt4iJnTevDSkex8-UNyX8y77mFWhcc4bydE0Jzl64vHy3PZyPObIPzrgTsE4cWwBRYVNBUf3t7hOh3VLSpqGQUSJMXOxbBFx-SMgVWz6tFNepw=s0-d-e1-ft" style="display: block;" width="215" /></td><td colspan="7" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><em><strong><br />Q: I have to say that in the two weeks we used the techniques in the book, my son has gone from occasional and minor non-compliance to a constant source of rude talking, anger, misbehavior and general disruption. As of yesterday we are trying to forget everything we learned in an effort to recover from this catastrophic experiment. I guess it doesn't work for everyone.</strong></em></td><td style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="890" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><strong>A:</strong> I certainly want to address this Email I was sent by a discouraged parent because I know that it can be frustrating and disheartening to see negativity in a home intensify when trying to make positive changes. Implementing a new technique in the home can create disruption for families. A new technique is change and in our children's perspectives, change is inherently bad because something bad is going to happen, thus threatening their relative sense of safety.<br />
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The <em>Beyond Consequences</em> paradigm is an absolute 180 degree shift from what many families have traditionally used. Yet, an increase in negative behavior can actually be seen as a step in the right direction for families beginning their journey down the Beyond Consequences healing road. Let me explain...<br />
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We traditionally use behaviors as a gauge to determine whether our child is "good" or "bad." We are a behaviorally and outcome based society, where the behavior determines either success or failure. Unfortunately, we deny the process and only focus on the end result. With sensitive children (i.e., children acting out with defiant and severe behaviors), losing our focus of the process creates fear within us as parents. If we only see a child as being rude, misbehaving, and angry, then all we see is failure.<br />
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In this example, I want to encourage the parent to see that the change in behavior, albeit an increase in negative behavior, is actually a sign of an improved process. This child is expressing more of himself and sharing his pain and fear with the parent. The child is discharging past trauma. Trauma gets stored in the mind and body of a child and it has to be released. The releasing of trauma is never "pretty." <strong>Allowing the discharge of trauma then allows the process of healing to begin. </strong><br />
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Emotional expession is a learned behavior. Most children coming out of trauma have only learned to express themselves in negative and rude ways. The process of recovery and healing involves first allowing for a short period the child to express in the only way they know how and then tightening up the boundaries around how to express appropriately. It is our job through the interactions with our children to teach them how to express themselves in positive ways. In the beginning, try to think of attitudes and sassiness simply as a communication of a deeper trauma issue, knowing that as you build the relationship and the trust, then it is time to teach and expect better ways of communicating from your child.<br />
<br />
Now be honest with yourself when answering this question: When you've been stressed out, felt like you are not being heard, and felt completely overwhelmed, did you ever react to those closest to you in a disrespectful, angry, or inappropriate way? I'm thinking your answer is "yes." We act like this when we have no other means to get someone to connect with us and to connect with our needs.<br />
<br />
I believe that by implementing the <em>Beyond Consequences</em> paradigm in this home, this parent actually created more safety and more emotional space for this child to move out of a hypo-aroused state (inwardly shut-down state) into a hyper-aroused state (outwardly, angry state). By increasing the level of safety, removing the threat of punishment, and responding instead of reacting, this parent created space for this child to express himself. This is a victory. Yet it is only a victory if we stay focused on the process.<br />
<br />
It is vital to accept that the process may be "ugly" and "uncomfortable" and yes, "disrespectful" (as seen from the traditional model) but if we truly understand that our children need to time discharge the trauma and "unlearn" poor communication skills, it should not be difficult to accept this as part of the healing process.<br />
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<strong>Meeting our children exactly where they are is the only way to move them forward to bring them exactly where we think they should be. </strong><br />
<br />
When a child shifts from a hypo-aroused to hyper-aroused state, celebrate. Yes, celebrate that tantrums are happening! Finally, the child is venturing out of his/her shell and is getting out the fear, pain, and stress instead of keeping it locked down. This is the healing moment. This is the opportunity to reach in and connect with the child in order to demostrate through experience what a safe relationship with a parent can be like.<br />
<br />
Creating emotional safety and space for emotional expression is scary and it takes courage. I do believe that love works for everyone. It is simply a matter of focusing on the relationship, focusing on the process of trauma recovery, and giving our children time to re-learn appropriate ways to express their emotions. In doing so, the ONLY possible outcome to follow will be "good behavior."<br />
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Press on,<strong><br /></strong></td><td style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="113" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="Heather" class="CToWUd" height="57" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEiFzLqLrdguSTG-TvAdHwFy0u_8fKuFiBTKVR13wBCSUStyyHl4gFqVg5kDNL2bonKAC5wPIF772Lmeg_b0sqZz_is9FmdZ6DofnkbpRANyeCCKN4dOhDMwYb2JfMDx4CyLXFSKDF46eK157nJHy_L0mCyC2lrvjxx4tmW21xA=s0-d-e1-ft" style="display: block;" width="144" /><em><strong>Heather T. Forbes, LCSW<br />Parent and Author of <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30091/fee3f8ab2a004077/24095097/0a9124fda887c1d4&source=gmail&ust=1464386665268000&usg=AFQjCNGbSAxiHSn4WXymp9xZHgiH2u4IsA" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30091/fee3f8ab2a004077/24095097/0a9124fda887c1d4" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1</a> & <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30093/721b5bca0638a79e/24095097/0a9124fda887c1d4&source=gmail&ust=1464386665268000&usg=AFQjCNGo507qqenfCU6GlsNmZ1iPrldY3w" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30093/721b5bca0638a79e/24095097/0a9124fda887c1d4" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Volume 2</a>,<br /><a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30095/4d823eb8de491e0d/24095097/0a9124fda887c1d4&source=gmail&ust=1464386665268000&usg=AFQjCNFgCNGWrBfPhJV1XeDZPEb85_84Ew" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30095/4d823eb8de491e0d/24095097/0a9124fda887c1d4" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Dare to Love</a>, and <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30097/fd9d333570031c41/24095097/0a9124fda887c1d4&source=gmail&ust=1464386665268000&usg=AFQjCNEr-qMh1EUDLnekXTGfNr5T2--0ng" href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/30097/fd9d333570031c41/24095097/0a9124fda887c1d4" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Help for Billy</a>.</strong></em></td></tr>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620711105756104261noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6433287208473900517.post-79736546066512856442016-04-26T12:40:00.002-04:002016-04-26T12:40:43.124-04:00Uncertainty Breeds Resistance<table align="center" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; width: 600px;"><tbody>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="31" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"></td><td style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;"><br /></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" height="184" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="uncertainty" class="CToWUd" height="183" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEj_SWxHreQggSADBuQvI1Agx32OD6jsOJHrb9NiuPxk2_FCW7pijBgqITkecNzlYA4J_x6V4Mk2U4DFWDwLtfqjjMTUxiBvljXkdkPo9houlhImIA2KEeEF9YiDSB-EI4_ybSh3SLx0RDyulNEvYyVS6IQ75xYDp4rqNaX1QqcK7g=s0-d-e1-ft" style="display: block;" width="140" /></td><td colspan="7" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><em><strong>Q: What do you do with a child who is so compelled to a repetitious behavior that he can't be redirected to the task at hand?<br /></strong></em><strong>A: </strong>As humans, one of our basic primal needs is that of <em>certainty</em>. It feels good to know for certain what is going to happen, when it is going to happen, and how it is going to happen. We also seek certainty through our behaviors and actions. For some, repetitive behaviors create certainty which reduces the level of internal fear. OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) is about an intense need for certainty. For others, food creates certainty. Food makes us feel good, thus gives us an instant feeling of certainty.</td><td style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="1019" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top">Additionally, many parents seek certainty through controlling parenting techniques.<strong><br /></strong>On the other hand, <em>uncertainty</em> is a basic human need as well but only if there is enough certainty in our lives to create a balance between the two. For most of us, we enjoy an occasional surprise, it creates excitement. We like change, to a small degree, because it creates variety in our lives. For some, a higher level of uncertainty creates a rush of being "alive" like riding a roller coaster, watching a scary movie, or even jumping out of an airplane.<br />
<br />
<strong>For children with traumatic histories, they have experienced an over abundance of uncertainty.</strong> There has not been a balance between the amount of uncertainty and certainty in their lives. If an imbalance of the two creates a level of fear for the average adult then it is understandable for a child, with limited coping skills, such an imbalance creates an exponential amount of fear.<br />
<br />
<strong>The result is a child who will constantly seek certainty, at all costs.</strong> He is working to live in a heightened state of certainty in order to calm the fear of uncertainty that is programmed in his nervous system.<br />
<br />
When we as parents then try to redirect this behavior, we are creating yet more uncertainty. The child, in his desperate attempt to return to a state of balance and regulation, will resist the parent and refuse to be redirected. The parent typically interprets this as "bad" behavior, "defiant" behavior, or "disrespectful" behavior. Worse, the parent takes this lack of responsiveness personally as if the child is behaving in this manner simply to push the parent's button or to be revengeful.<br />
<br />
The negative neurological feedback loop is thus in full swing. Both the parent and the child are working to attain certainty, yet they are both doing it from a self-absorbed framework. <strong>The relationship becomes more strained, thus breeding more uncertainty! </strong><br />
<br />
If the parent can understand that the child is simply working to create certainty in his uncertain world, this negative loop can easily be interrupted. The parent can acknowledge that the compelling behavior (as given in this question) is helping the child feel better and that switching to a new task is incredibly difficult and scary. A conversation might look like this:<br />
<blockquote>
<strong>Parent:</strong> "Tommy, it is going to be time for us to go out and rake leaves in a few minutes."<br />
<br />
<strong>Tommy:</strong><em> ignores his mom and continues to keep pushing his Hot Wheels up and down the hallway, over and over again.</em><br />
<br />
<strong>Parent:</strong> <em>Sitting down near Tommy, acknowledges his behavior</em>, "You like running your cars up and down this hallway, don't you? I think you've been doing for over an hour. Wow! That does look like fun and I bet it makes you feel good."<br />
<br />
<strong>Tommy:</strong> "I don't want to go rake leaves."<br />
<br />
<strong>Parent:</strong> "I know. It isn't easy changing from one activity that makes you feel good to another activity that you don't even like."<br />
<br />
<strong>Tommy:</strong> "I hate raking leaves."<br />
<br />
<strong>Parent:</strong> "I know. I want to help you today. I don't want you to feel so overwhelmed with this type of stuff anymore. If I'm with you, I'm certain it will be easier for you."<br />
<br />
<strong>Tommy:</strong> "Humph"<br />
<br />
<strong>Parent:</strong> "How about we do this in about 5 minutes?"</blockquote>
The parent works to connect with Tommy's fears and acknowledges his struggle of shifting to a different activity. The parent creates certainty by being with him now while promising to be with him during the new activity. <strong>Through their relationship, the parent is working to create the certainty he is seeking through the toy cars. The parent's goal is to help Tommy shift from using the toys as security to using the relationship with him as the security.</strong> Giving him five minutes also gives Tommy emotional space to consider making this change and time to process this change, which reduces the element of surprise.<br />
<br />
As human beings, we are constantly working to create balance in our lives. Your children's behaviors are often times reflective of this need for balance. <strong>Look beyond the typical interpretations of defiance, disrespect, and retaliation, to identify the significance of your child's behaviors.</strong>When you can do this, you put yourself in the most powerful position - the position of a committed, loving, and understanding parent!<br />
<br />
Press on,<strong><br /></strong></td><td style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="113" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="Heather" class="CToWUd" height="57" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEiFzLqLrdguSTG-TvAdHwFy0u_8fKuFiBTKVR13wBCSUStyyHl4gFqVg5kDNL2bonKAC5wPIF772Lmeg_b0sqZz_is9FmdZ6DofnkbpRANyeCCKN4dOhDMwYb2JfMDx4CyLXFSKDF46eK157nJHy_L0mCyC2lrvjxx4tmW21xA=s0-d-e1-ft" style="display: block;" width="144" /><em><strong>Heather T. Forbes, LCSW<br />Parent and Author of <a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/29519/e88aecd3cf20be72/23668467/2eb4871406dd292c" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank">Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1</a> & <a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/29521/865b8ffb76e1394f/23668467/2eb4871406dd292c" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank">Volume 2</a>,<br /><a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/29523/21608b16624c9d9f/23668467/2eb4871406dd292c" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank">Dare to Love</a>, and <a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/29525/c32f28e74495e1f5/23668467/2eb4871406dd292c" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank">Help for Billy</a>.</strong></em></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620711105756104261noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6433287208473900517.post-15180017041845915462016-03-31T16:30:00.001-04:002016-04-26T12:41:14.611-04:00This is Your Brain on Trauma<table align="center" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; width: 600px;"><tbody>
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<strong>Q: </strong><em>I've been avoiding my 16-year-old daughter's room because I simply can't stand the mess she creates. I admit, I just didn't want to deal with one more argument. I was looking for something the other day and I needed to go into her room. Oh my goodness...what a disaster! After years of teaching her how to organize (she came to us at age three after an early history of <span class="il">trauma</span>), I simply can't figure out how her room could be <span class="il">this</span> horrible and downright disgusting. Please help!</em></td></tr>
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<strong>A</strong>: The art and skill of organizing takes a well-developed <span class="il">brain</span>. The prefrontal cortex is the area of the<span class="il">brain</span> that gives us the ability to plan, organize, and problem solve. To keep a room clean and in order, it takes all three of these skills. Science tells us that <span class="il">this</span> area is one of the last areas of the <span class="il">brain</span> to mature and it can take up to 25 years for someone to fully develop his or her prefrontal cortex when living in an optimal environment for all of those 25 years.<br />
<br />
Early childhood <span class="il">trauma</span> can severely impact how the <span class="il">brain</span> develops throughout the entire developmental journey into adulthood, even if the child is taken out of <span class="il">trauma</span> and placed in a loving and positive environment. The early wiring of the <span class="il">brain</span>, as in <span class="il">your</span> daughter's case from birth to three years old (and perhaps even in-utero), will influence how the <span class="il">brain</span> continues to develop throughout her life, especially in her teenage years.<br />
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While it is very frustrating as a parent to continually see <span class="il">your</span> child's room resemble a war zone, I believe one of the best ways to curb <span class="il">this</span> frustration is to understand what <span class="il">trauma</span> does to a child's <span class="il">brain</span>. It isn't that <span class="il">your</span> child "won't" keep her room clean, it's that she "can't" keep her room clean (at least not yet..there's still time for the <span class="il">brain</span> to develop).<br />
<br />
In the late 80's, you may remember the commercial for the anti-drug campaign that showed an egg <span class="il">on</span> a hot frying pan with the slogan, "<span class="il">This</span> is <span class="il">your</span> <span class="il">brain</span> <span class="il">on</span> drugs." I'll take the creative liberty here to modify<span class="il">this</span> for our children impacted by <span class="il">trauma</span> to say, "<span class="il">This</span> is <span class="il">your</span> <span class="il">brain</span> <span class="il">on</span> <span class="il">trauma</span>."<br />
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</td><td style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;"><br /></td><td style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="57" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top">When you see <span class="il">your</span> daughter's room, simply repeat <span class="il">this</span> phrase in <span class="il">your</span> head, over and over again. It will help keep you from being reactive, frustrated, and feeling as if she is just being lazy, defiant, or unappreciative. It truly is why she is having such a difficult time.<br />
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<span class="il">Trauma</span> also puts children in a place where they get overwhelmed very easily. Perhaps you helped her clean and organize her room a few months ago but once a few things were left <span class="il">on</span> the floor, then a few more, and then a few more, in a very short amount of time, a point of no return was reached. The quick build-up of mess would easily have gotten her so overwhelmed and stressed-out that she simply had to shut-down the idea of cleaning it up again.<br />
<br />
Additionally, some children with histories of <span class="il">trauma</span> often have a hard time throwing items away. What may look like trash to you, is not trash to them. Objects, and I mean any objects, are tangible and they can represent value. And most importantly, they represent security. If you felt safer surrounding yourself with items of value, you too would most likely completely fill <span class="il">your</span> room with items, no matter the mess.<br />
<br />
Even with these explanations, I still believe it is our duty as parents to help our children overcome the deficiencies they have in keeping a room organized. First, you must let go of the negativity and accept the disorder and chaos in her room as a byproduct of <span class="il">trauma</span>. Then, work with <span class="il">your</span> daughter to help her organize. <span class="il">This</span> may require dropping <span class="il">your</span> expectations of her being able to do it <span class="il">on</span> her own because she is 16-years-old. When <span class="il">your</span> offer to help is free from anger, frustration, and disapproval, she is more likely to be able to accept <span class="il">your</span> help.<br />
<br />
Chunking the task of cleaning her room into smaller segments at a time can help to minimize the overwhelm. Start with just the dresser one day. The next day, tackle underneath the bed (or maybe that will take two days!). Then move to the closet, and so <span class="il">on</span>. <span class="il">This</span> may be something you need to do with her for several months or maybe even a year or two years. You'll be setting into motion new patterns and new habits, which will eventually lay down new neuropathways in the <span class="il">brain</span>.<br />
<br />
No matter how long it takes, just keep saying to yourself, "<span class="il">This</span> is <span class="il">your</span> <span class="il">brain</span> <span class="il">on</span> <span class="il">trauma</span>." and I know you'll get there! Trust in the process and trust that love will never fail.<br />
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Press <span class="il">on</span>,</td><td style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;"></td><td style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="113" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="Heather" class="CToWUd" height="57" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEiFzLqLrdguSTG-TvAdHwFy0u_8fKuFiBTKVR13wBCSUStyyHl4gFqVg5kDNL2bonKAC5wPIF772Lmeg_b0sqZz_is9FmdZ6DofnkbpRANyeCCKN4dOhDMwYb2JfMDx4CyLXFSKDF46eK157nJHy_L0mCyC2lrvjxx4tmW21xA=s0-d-e1-ft" style="display: block;" width="144" /><em><strong>Heather T. Forbes, LCSW<br />Parent and Author of <a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/29017/49660f2e7ebcf8b0/23419147/565b781464c79261" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank">Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1</a> & <a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/29019/2ca386ac19f766d5/23419147/565b781464c79261" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank">Volume 2</a>,<br /><a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/29021/9edf36599fb41da4/23419147/565b781464c79261" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank">Dare to Love</a>, and <a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/29023/1fa25d2818d6b10b/23419147/565b781464c79261" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank">Help for Billy</a>.</strong></em></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620711105756104261noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6433287208473900517.post-45696523523614154792016-02-25T22:15:00.001-05:002016-04-26T12:41:51.380-04:00Blueprints<table align="center" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; width: 601px;"><tbody>
<tr><td colspan="2" height="162" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="blueprint" class="CToWUd" height="162" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEhxLZN2WMMMgx5fUb9l4ksYh3thlt-yT5dGtFX234Vn4l_AWs5ihvGRjLMg8CWrREWMfwbbWkWh5M6_Ulsytw0AdzOBfBv2_IjJPZnX-muhU3BknO8CQKgDEvYR8MoBI7Koqt3a0gSmVrN0Qesw9bRtFr_RfYpSAifzUeX_42k=s0-d-e1-ft" style="display: block;" width="260" /></td><td colspan="7" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><strong><em>Q:</em></strong><em> My child's early years were spent in a home that was chaotic and unpredictable. Later, he lived in several foster care homes before coming to live with us. Today is our four-year anniversary of being adopted but I find myself still frustrated on a daily basis. After four years, he still continues to be a disruptor in our home and anything I do to try to make life a positive experience for him, he flips it around to be negative and chaotic. Please help!</em></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="115" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><strong>A:</strong> Congratulations on your four-year adoption anniversary! One of the first thoughts that came to mind when I read your question was that you can take a child out of the trauma, but getting the trauma out of the child takes much effort. Your child's early history impacted his blueprint of the meaning of family and of life.<br />
<br />
When children grow up in traumatic homes, that kind of environment is the familiar and they come to believe this is "normal." They just assume that this is the way life is for everybody. A deep subconscious imprint is formed and they live out of this blueprint for the rest of their lives, unless it is consciously changed.<br />
<br />
For children growing up in the type of environment your son experienced, their definition of what love and family means is skewed and distorted. Listed in the left-hand column are words that describe your son's early blueprint of love and family. Conversely, children who grow up in loving, predictable, and emotionally sensitive homes, develop blueprints for love and family that are much more in line with reality. In the right-hand column below are words that define what these children perceive as love and family.</td><td style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlhWC1JLHbRWLnk1pVbfUGUG7bBFl7JQFKmPxSDyJ-JdT-kzkqvtx_Xo3tJ8oo0ILwifWXxCKX9huLBYFGvGxqfxJ-HsBNoNqLTCluktFaDDIT-1Bp5nwnSYhJus7yOzjVvfcdUANB8Eu0/s1600/EarlyChildhoodTrauma-what-is-love_blog.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlhWC1JLHbRWLnk1pVbfUGUG7bBFl7JQFKmPxSDyJ-JdT-kzkqvtx_Xo3tJ8oo0ILwifWXxCKX9huLBYFGvGxqfxJ-HsBNoNqLTCluktFaDDIT-1Bp5nwnSYhJus7yOzjVvfcdUANB8Eu0/s400/EarlyChildhoodTrauma-what-is-love_blog.gif" width="382" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</td><td style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="57" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top">Your son is still living out of this early blueprint, despite being in your home for four years. That is why it feels like he is sabotaging and disrupting everything you do to create a loving environment for him. Your family is uncomfortably juxtaposed between the left-hand column and the right-hand column listed in the chart above.<br />
<br />
Some children learn to redefine their blueprints simply through repetition and time. Other children, however, need more intentional and conscious work to finally let go of distorted blueprints. Why? It all depends on the depth of the trauma, the child's perception of the traumatic experiences, and the child's personality type. It isn't a reflection of you being a "good" or "bad" parent. It's just the nature of trauma.<br />
<br />
Bringing a negative blueprint up to the child's conscious awareness can be a valuable exercise in helping him change these early definitions. Take a large sheet of white poster board or paper and draw the chart given above. When your son is in a calm state, go through these two sides of the chart with him. Add in more about his early life story and help him see that what he experienced years ago is influencing his life today.<br />
<br />
Tell him that your job is to help him learn what the true definition of family is. It also helps to take responsibility for not being there early on to protect him from these traumatic experiences. Although it wasn't your "fault," our children need someone to take responsibility for what happened to them in order for them to move forward in their healing journeys. When you can say, "I'm so sorry I wasn't there to protect you and give you everything you deserved as a baby/toddler. I so wish I was able to have been there for you!" from a heart-centered, authentic place, it helps him to know you really understand him.<br />
<br />
Keep this poster up in your house and when he starts to go back into these old patterns and that old blueprint takes over, lovingly remind him of what true family is all about. It is important to not just talk about this old blueprint but to show it visually, as shown in this chart. Most children with trauma need visual communication along with auditory communication to have it make more sense and for it to be retained within their memory systems.<br />
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Trauma recovery is a life-long developmental process. Keep connecting with the left-hand column to understand how to bring him into the right-hand column!<br />
<br />
Press on,</td><td style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="9" height="113" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="Heather" class="CToWUd" height="57" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEiFzLqLrdguSTG-TvAdHwFy0u_8fKuFiBTKVR13wBCSUStyyHl4gFqVg5kDNL2bonKAC5wPIF772Lmeg_b0sqZz_is9FmdZ6DofnkbpRANyeCCKN4dOhDMwYb2JfMDx4CyLXFSKDF46eK157nJHy_L0mCyC2lrvjxx4tmW21xA=s0-d-e1-ft" style="display: block;" width="144" /><em><strong>Heather T. Forbes, LCSW<br />Parent and Author of <a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/28367/aa4443c00a8158fb/23009679/166f3a858379eee9" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank">Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1</a> & <a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/28369/bd3340eefb511698/23009679/166f3a858379eee9" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank">Volume 2</a>,<br /><a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/28371/ea897b7d8139576b/23009679/166f3a858379eee9" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank">Dare to Love</a>, and <a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/28373/b76abbce48b95114/23009679/166f3a858379eee9" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank">Help for Billy</a>.</strong></em></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620711105756104261noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6433287208473900517.post-736126154796147462015-12-02T18:09:00.002-05:002016-04-26T12:42:23.708-04:00Sibling Rivalry<table align="center" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; width: 581px;"><tbody>
<tr><td colspan="5" height="176" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="Siblings" class="CToWUd" height="176" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEggn9j8msKGuhdR2g96qJ4LF-E0OlWfyrb9Pl71yn5cgWGM2XMrx2b-SDCjiDL7s9FXcyT3XgKz8DQblJMRif3EtWKXfLa-HCUacuZFnkDpAnCtle4YXjkfCp5s8bUY9DnmIspMS5ec5XehnCzV1g4EhxJGoEZJ6VC3_vgrvh-FaafbvQ=s0-d-e1-ft" style="display: block;" width="260" /></td><td colspan="2" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><em><strong>Q: My son is constantly fighting with his younger sister. They can't seem to ever get along. How do I put an end to this negative behavior?</strong></em><br /><br /><strong>A:</strong> Whenever you want to stop a behavior in a family, always ask yourself, "What is driving this behavior?" Getting to the root cause, rather than addressing just the behavior, will lead you to the solution.<br /><br />Typically, however, we tend to ask the wrong question when addressing a child's negative behavior. We ask,</td><td style="margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="7" height="669" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top">"How do I stop this (or put an end to this) negative behavior?" <em>If you ask the wrong question, you're going to get the wrong answer.</em><br /><br />In this instance, the "right" question would be, "What is driving the sibling rivalry?"<br /><br />Traditionally, we have seen sibling rivalry as a conflict between the children. Countless parenting resources describe sibling rivalry as jealous and competitive fighting between brothers and sisters.<br /><br />This is not the root cause. Sibling rivalry is driven from the lack of relationship or the lack of security that children have with their parents. Hence, <strong>sibling rivalry is between the parent and child, not child and child.</strong><br />For example, if your Billy is mean and upset with his sister Sally, is it really between Billy and Sally? No. Billy's interpretation and perception is that his parents love Sally more. If Billy "gets rid of Sally" or picks on Sally, then the love will go to him, not his sister. Billy sees love as a commodity--there is only a limited supply. In his eyes, if Sally is getting the love, then there won't be enough for him.<br /><br />Billy is creating attention for himself; he is creating relationship but in a negative way. What we have to remember is that <em>any</em> form of attention, whether positive or negative, satisfies a child's <em>need</em> for attention, connection and love. Billy is working to calm his internal need for parental connection through a negative means.<br /><br />This leads us to the solution. <strong>What Billy actually needs is time with his parent(s) in order to help him feel special, wanted, good enough, and loved.</strong> Spending more individual time with Billy will give him the attention he has been seeking all along. When the relationship between each child and the parent(s) becomes more secure and more deeply connected, the need for Billy to create negative attention dissipates and in many cases, disappears altogether.<br /><br />Another strategy to help Billy learn that he is unconditionally loved is to address his attacks on Sally <em>in the moment</em>. When Billy is being mean to Sally, instead of rejecting Billy by sending him away to his room, he needs you to bring him closer to you, giving him more security. When you can truly see that behavior is a form of communication, it will make sense to do this instead of being scared you are rewarding Billy for bad behavior. <strong>Billy NEEDS attention in order to calm his nervous system and to secure his place in the family system.</strong><br /><br />Remember, the true issue behind sibling rivalry is the lack of relationship. Your goal is to decrease Billy's fear and stress and to create connection with him. Don't mention his behavior in the moment (you'll have a chance later to teach the life lesson) but focus on how you can calm his nervous system and secure him in relationship.<br /><br />Traditional techniques are actually damaging because, for a child like Billy, sending him away to his room and punishing him actually create <em>more</em> insecurity and <em>more</em> rejection. If we want our children to heal and improve their behaviors, we can't be creating more of the same.<br /><br />The dictionary defines "discipline" as <em>"Training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement."</em> To discipline Billy for this behavior means to teach him a new pattern that is morally right. Some children don't know any other way to solve conflicts other than by fighting. A conversation with Billy might sound like this:<br /><blockquote>
<blockquote>
<blockquote>
Dad:<em> "Billy, when you get frustrated and aggregated with Sally, instead of hitting her or taking her toy (because this is NOT okay to do in our family), I want you to come to me so I can help you feel safe. You're not in trouble. My job as your daddy is to help you find a better way so everybody is okay and nobody gets hurt in this family."</em></blockquote>
</blockquote>
</blockquote>
Dad is working to take away the fear and the punishment. Dad's "discipline goal" is to teach and guide Billy to develop a better way through the influence of the parent/child relationship and to help Billy communicate his need for attention more effectively.<br /><br />Dad also helps Billy learn to communicate his feelings and to express his needs to his parents through verbal communication instead of acting out negatively. There are five basic feeling words children of almost any age can learn, "I'm mad, sad, glad, scared, or happy." Opening the lines of emotional communication is one of the keys to helping any child through almost any behavior.<br /><br />Put love into action to secure your little Billy and you'll spend more quality and fun time instead of breaking up all the fights! <em><br /><br />Press on, </em></td><td style="margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="7" height="57" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="Heather" class="CToWUd" height="57" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEiFzLqLrdguSTG-TvAdHwFy0u_8fKuFiBTKVR13wBCSUStyyHl4gFqVg5kDNL2bonKAC5wPIF772Lmeg_b0sqZz_is9FmdZ6DofnkbpRANyeCCKN4dOhDMwYb2JfMDx4CyLXFSKDF46eK157nJHy_L0mCyC2lrvjxx4tmW21xA=s0-d-e1-ft" style="display: block;" width="144" /></td><td style="margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="7" height="56" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><em><strong>Heather T. Forbes, LCSW<br />Parent and Author of <a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/27313/b894c9ffef1e0244/22503393/7b5984505ac38538" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank">Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1</a> & <a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/27315/98614c5bbc82bc07/22503393/7b5984505ac38538" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank">Volume 2</a>,<br /><a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/27317/ebbb0a640a2770a7/22503393/7b5984505ac38538" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank">Dare to Love</a>, and <a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/27319/c92eac88370ebf56/22503393/7b5984505ac38538" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank">Help for Billy</a>.</strong></em></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620711105756104261noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6433287208473900517.post-80727041246847279332015-10-28T16:32:00.002-04:002016-04-26T12:46:30.345-04:00The Power of Neurological Mapping<table align="center" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" id="tdLayout" style="color: black; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; width: 581px;"><tbody>
<tr><td colspan="7" height="29" valign="top"><br /></td><td></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2" height="170" valign="top"><img alt="iamstupid" src="http://www.heathertforbes.com/enewsletter/images/iamstupid.jpg" height="170" style="display: block;" width="130" /></td><td colspan="5" id="tdImagePadding" style="padding-left: 5px;" valign="top"><em><strong><br />Q: My son had a terrible early childhood history and constantly tells me he is a bad boy and that nobody loves him. Yet, no matter how much we tell him what a good boy he is or how much we love him, nothing seems to help. How can he continually reject these positive messages?<br /></strong></em><strong>A:</strong> From the moment a child is born, he is dependent on others to care for him, nurture him, and teach him about the world. This child has no other option but to trust that the information being given to him is the truth. He has no filters...he accepts everything as fact.</td><td></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="7" height="675" valign="top"><br />
For a child who goes through early childhood trauma, he lives in a world of false messages that are absorbed as truth<em><strong>. </strong></em><strong>Everything that is said to him becomes his reality. Everything that is done to him becomes a reflection of who he is. </strong><br />
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For example, if a child is emotionally abused and told he is worthless, that he won't amount to anything, or that the parent wishes he was never born, this child's internal belief system develops from these messages. This child believes he is worthless and unworthy. His belief is that he is not lovable and that he should not be on the planet Earth. <strong>Neurologically, we know that neurons that fire together wire together.</strong> So this belief system becomes ingrained and accepted at a deep subconscious and neurological level. These beliefs lay down the neural circuitry that governs how this child behaves and responds to life events.<br />
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We then place this child in a different, more loving family. He is told that he is wonderful, that he is good, and that he is loved. The external messages are now in conflict with the internal messages. Which one do you think is stronger and louder? The internal voice of negativity was an earlier and deeper imprint, thus it will be the dominate one.<br />
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This creates a profound gap between what others are saying and what the child's internal framework is saying, preventing this child from easily accepting any new messages beyond that which he already knows.<strong>The human brain is programmed to reject any belief that is not congruent (not the same) as one’s own view.</strong><br />
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Think about this from your own perspective. When someone comes up with a different belief than you have, what is your first reaction? You reject it. You dismiss this person as being on the fringe and you move on, maintaining your own reality in your mind. You might even argue with this person, defending your position in order to "save face" and to protect your own belief system.<br />
<br />
Back to the child in this example, the parent then tries to lovingly parent this child and to give this child positive messages of self-esteem and self-worth. Yet, what the parent doesn't realize is that <strong>the parent is up against the power of belief--up against the child's neurological mapping.</strong> No matter how many times this parent tells his new son, "I love you" or "You are a wonderful child" or similar positive messages, the old belief system of not being worthy and not being good enough continues to prevail. It is as if these messages are impervious to this child. These positive messages simply slide off the child as if there is a Teflon coating.<br />
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The reason is that these new messages are being given to the child at a cognitive level and are simply cognitive experiences. Yet, <strong>emotions play a powerful role in neural processing</strong>, much greater than language and cognition. In order to break through the old negative beliefs of this child, the parent has to dig deep within himself to interact with this child at a deeply profound emotional level. Love has the power to do this.<br />
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While the emotion of fear keeps this child locked in this negative belief system, it is also true that the emotion of love will release this child from this negative belief system. It takes parenting this child in a loving, safe, and emotionally available manner. And it won't be just one experience, but several experiences, over and over again, with this child being met at an emotional level, in order for new neural pathways to be created.<br />
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<strong>A new belief system is possible. It takes time, patience, understanding, tolerance, perseverance, and most importantly, emotional impact.</strong> For more "what to do in the moment" and more explanation on how to do this in the classroom setting, my book, <strong>"<a href="http://www.help-for-billy.com/" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank">Help for Billy</a>"</strong> will give you more application into the principles discussed in this eNewsletter.<br />
<br />
Love never fails...it simply takes learning how to love our children from their perspective and going beyond routine cognitive experiences. <em><br /><br />Press on,<br />
</em></td><td></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="7" height="53" valign="top"><img alt="Heather" src="http://www.heathertforbes.com/enewsletter/images/signature.png" height="57" style="display: block;" width="144" /></td><td></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="7" height="56" valign="top"><em><strong>Heather T. Forbes, LCSW<br />Parent and Author of <a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/cart/store.jsp?view=4&i=17&navicat=27&navisubcat=80&naviprod=17" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank">Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1</a> & <a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/cart/store.jsp?view=4&i=19&navicat=27&navisubcat=80&naviprod=19" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank">Volume 2</a>,<br /><a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/cart/store.jsp?view=4&i=15&navicat=27&navisubcat=80&naviprod=15" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank">Dare to Love</a>, and <a href="http://www.help-for-billy.com/" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank">Help for Billy</a>.</strong></em></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620711105756104261noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6433287208473900517.post-60655705760943600272015-09-08T12:37:00.000-04:002016-04-26T12:47:45.583-04:00Help! My Daughter is Ruining My Time<table align="center" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" id="tdLayout" style="color: black; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; width: 581px;"><tbody>
<tr><td colspan="2" height="173" valign="top"><img alt="angry girl" src="http://www.heathertforbes.com/enewsletter/images/picture-angrygirl.jpg" height="173" style="display: block;" width="130" /></td><td colspan="5" id="tdImagePadding" style="padding-left: 5px;" valign="top"><em><strong>Q: When trying to embrace my daughter (age 13) during stressful times, I began to realize that she has created crises over and over to receive that kind of love and attention. It ended up whenever I had a plan and it didn't include her (work, coffee with a friend, etc.), she'd have a crisis (feel sick, kick the wall and insist on a trip to the E.R., lock herself in her room). Then, when I started to include her in everything, she'd sabotage it (push the table over in the restaurant, break equipment at work, ruin clothes in stores at the mall, etc.). I felt like I was being completely controlled and "trained" to focus only on her all of the time. How do you manage that in moderation?</strong></em></td><td></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="7" height="672" valign="top"><strong><br />A:</strong> There are several dynamics going on in the relationship between you and your daughter. First, let's look beyond the behavior to determine why children "create crises." The voice of this type of behavior is saying,<strong>"I need to feel loved and I need to have attention so I know I won't be lost in this world!"</strong><br />
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Behavior is the language of our children. As adults, we communicate verbally and miss the voice of our children because these behaviors interrupt the flow of our day and are often so nerve grinding, we can't listen to them!<br />
<br />
Your daughter is expressing that she is insecure in her attachment relationship with you. When you leave home without her, the acting out or sicknesses begin. Although I do not have her exact history, this tells me that she has experienced severe abandonment in the past. <strong>She is terrified of you leaving her…it feels like you won't ever come back.</strong><br />
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Her perception and fear of you leaving her is more than just an idea -- it is her reality. <strong>Our thoughts become our reality.</strong> Try to relate to her fear in a situation in your life. If you were convinced, for some reason, that your husband would be injured in a car accident on his way to work, you would do EVERYTHING in your power to keep him from leaving the house. You might yell in desperation to get him to understand the seriousness of this issue. You might even feign an illness in your efforts to have him stay home with you.<br />
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This is your daughter's story. Her fear of losing you is driving these behaviors.<br />
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Then, when you took her with you, I have a feeling that she was with you simply out of desperation on your part. However, even though she was with you, I suspect you weren't really with her 100%. You didn't want her there because this was supposed to be your time to take care of yourself and you felt like you didn't have any other choice but to take her with you.<br />
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This is all understandable, and unfortunately, happens too many times to parents simply out of their own survival. However, we need to look openly and honestly at the dynamic that is created in such a scenario.<br />
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<strong>So you take her with you, all the while, the monsters of resentment, anger, regressive attitude of "whatever," and intolerance raise their ugly heads.</strong> These stressors become barriers to your connection with her. You are physically with her, but not emotionally engaged and not paying attention to her from an intrinsic, core level within you.<br />
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Your daughter is very intuitive; she can sense the barriers of your resentment and your state of survival. <strong>If you are in a place of survival, you cannot be in a place of unconditional love for someone else.</strong>Your focus is on you, leaving no emotional space for your child and rendering you unable to respond to your child in an authentic and personal way.<br />
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Due to her intense fear of losing you, she needs you to connect with her at every level possible. This means connecting with her through your metacommunication (your tone of voice, timing of your responses, inflection in your voice, your physical touch, your body posture and body language, your facial expressions, your eye contact, etc.). It takes using all of your senses to fully be in relationship with your child in order to create security with a child who is so overtly insecure.<br />
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When you're unable to do this, the result is that your daughter is left feeling even more unsafe, unprotected, and insecure. At this point, you are now in a public place and she is sensing your disconnect and, additionally, she becomes overwhelmed and threatened by being in a new environment. She shifts into a place of complete overwhelm and her behaviors are out of control. The mother/daughter connection is lost, so efforts to regulate her and calm her prove futile.<br />
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You become stressed and the public humiliation is making the hair on the back of your neck rise. Your thought process goes something like this, "She's ruining my time, again! I should have just left her home!" Disaster strikes once again.<br />
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There is a better way. Understanding this dynamic, let's look at what can be done to create security for her. <strong>We know that children become secure when they feel accepted, approved, validated, and acknowledged.</strong> It will take having some experiences with her, just the two of you, to create this security.<br />
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It can be as simple as a "Girl's Night Out" and driving down to have ice cream or something special in a quiet and calm environment, just the two of you. It isn't about the ice cream, though. It is about your relationship with her. It requires you to be authentic and fully present with her.<br />
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She is old enough to be able to express her fears of you leaving her. Point out what would happen in the past when you left. Let her know that you now understand that these behaviors were signals of her being so scared of you leaving. Apologize for not "hearing" her. Commit to making it different with her. Help her to express her fears when you are both calm and regulated. It will help diffuse the ignition of acting out behaviors the next time you leave without her.<br />
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Validate her fears. Acknowledge how scary it must feel every time you leave home without her. Accept her reaction to your absence. Reassure her that you want to make this better for her.<br />
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The next time you have to leave, spend at least 15 minutes of one-on-one time with her prior to leaving. Set up a plan for her to call you when she feels scared. Make your time away from her short at first. Prolonged absences can be too overwhelming to her regulatory system. You can begin to build on these times away, but start slowly.<br />
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<strong>Remember that children heal through relationships.</strong> Therapeutic worksheets, behavior charts, and logical consequences don't promote in-depth healing. It takes you being 100% present in relationship when you are with her in order for her to begin to feel safe when you're not with her.<br />
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Be sure to check out our resources on our website to keep yourself refueled as a parent in this difficult situation! I've created our resources and our webpage to support you: <a href="http://www.beyondconsequences.com/" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank">www.beyondconsequences.com</a><br />
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Press on,</td><td></td></tr>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_7azzJ-5e05mMVVUE_UaOExc2vbdpXNTe4ZG3ajitZnWoWFifjjalmibhJCJPbF2UPIt7i5ry8Up6GO0yOzCgohWYlps6SEmTId_Cc7DRrW7iDUiLKcGmhxz_RJEXz87OOEUrrHcNlEjF/s1600/signature+2.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_7azzJ-5e05mMVVUE_UaOExc2vbdpXNTe4ZG3ajitZnWoWFifjjalmibhJCJPbF2UPIt7i5ry8Up6GO0yOzCgohWYlps6SEmTId_Cc7DRrW7iDUiLKcGmhxz_RJEXz87OOEUrrHcNlEjF/s1600/signature+2.png" /></a></div>
</td><td></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="7" height="56" valign="top"><strong>Heather T. Forbes, LCSW<br />Parent and Author of <em><a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/cart/store.jsp?view=4&i=17&navicat=27&navisubcat=80&naviprod=17" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank">Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1</a> & <a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/cart/store.jsp?view=4&i=19&navicat=27&navisubcat=80&naviprod=19" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank">Volume 2</a>,<br /><a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/cart/store.jsp?view=4&i=15&navicat=27&navisubcat=80&naviprod=15" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank">Dare to Love</a></em>, and <a href="http://www.help-for-billy.com/" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank"><em>Help for Billy</em></a>.</strong></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620711105756104261noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6433287208473900517.post-54187912703123979702015-08-18T17:15:00.001-04:002015-09-29T21:26:23.268-04:00Effective Back-to-School Strategies<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Who has more fear about heading back to school, you or your child? If we’re honest with this question, we find that as parents we become overwhelmed at many different levels. “Will my child’s teacher(s) understand him or simply react to him?” “How can I get the school to see my child as a traumatized child, not a defiant child?” “How am I going to maintain my work if the school keeps calling me like they did last year?” “What are the afternoons going to be like once homework starts up again…Oh, goodness!”</span><br />
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And the list goes on and on. Past experiences with schools have been negative for many parents and just the thought of going back to school can give them and their child a magnified stress-response. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This article presents five effective strategies discussed that you can use when working to help your child have the best educational experience possible. These include the following:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">1) Be an advocate for your child.</span></b></span><br />
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It takes courage to advocate for your child. Fears of being an “overbearing” or “overly-sensitive” parent can be part of the equation. Coming up against a panel of teachers and administrators who stand strong in what they believe can be intimidating. We also fear getting involved and exposing our child’s sensitivities for fear of having our child labeled from the start.</span><br />
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While these fears are valid, the act of advocating for your child is preventive, proactive and can save your child having a negative educational experience. The reality is that your child does have some special needs and he has a right to be understood. Your responsibility as a parent allows you to then approach the school system, staying confident and positive to say, “My child needs to be understood. My child has certain areas where he gets stressed-out and overwhelmed. He needs us, as a team, to do what we can to prevent a negative experience for him and as we do this, it will allow him to be a success in school. The more positive experiences my child has in the learning environment, the more equipped he will become to handle stress in the future. I’m asking for your help in doing this.”</span><br />
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Offer to educate and give the teacher and/or principal materials to look at and read. Many times you will find teachers are willing to read articles and newsletters. Keep educating the schools. It can be an uphill battle, there’s no doubt. If you let your fear overcome you, your child is then not only powerless in the school, but with you as well. It sends an amazingly powerful message to our children when we go to bat for them. For many of our children, adults in their life have never done this. Advocating for your child can be a valuable healing experience as they see you in action, just for them. You are the one that knows your child best and you are the one who can advocate the best for him or her.</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">2) Understand the difficulty of transitions. </span></b></span><br />
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Parents and professionals have a tendency to underestimate the difficulty children with trauma histories have when it comes to transitioning. Transitioning means change and it can mean unpredictability—two items that create tremendous fear in children (and many adults for that matter). Foster children and adopted children, by the nature of this characteristic, have transitional trauma. At one point in their lives (if not many more), they were removed from an environment to which they never returned. Many children have memories of going to school and never coming back home. This can easily explain a child’s resistance to getting up in the morning and leaving the home for school. No amount of reassurance from the parent at the cognitive level can overpower this trauma.</span><br />
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If parents can recognize this fear, even the night before school, they have the opportunity to address this fear when there is less stress in the home. The parent can acknowledge the fear by saying,</span><br />
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“It can be really scary and difficult leaving the house in the morning. I never realized that last year and I want to be able to help you this year. If I had been taken away at school when I was six years old like you and taken to a new home, I’d be so scared, too. It may actually still feel like you’re not coming home even now that you’re in middle school. I’m here this year to help you through this and to support you, son.”</span><br />
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Bringing these fears up to the conscious level, honoring them, and validating them, can help a child process through these previous traumatic events. As these memories are processed and understood with the parent, they no longer have the ability to drive the child into a state of complete defiance and resistance.</span><br />
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Other transitions to be mindful of include the transition from summertime to school time, switching from classroom to classroom for middle and high students, and moving from the classroom to the cafeteria (or specials) for elementary students. Even transitioning from school to home can be difficult for children because they know they are going to be faced with doing homework when they are simply too stressed out to do anymore work.</span><br />
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Here’s an example of how to help a child transition. The teacher says to student, “It’s going to be time for the bell to ring and for us to change classes. I want you to take a few deep breaths and then we’ll change classes.” This may seem so simple, but it gives the child a chance to process the transition prior to being required to make the transition. Having this extra couple of minutes gives the child space to determine that the request to transition is safe and not a threat.</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">3) Respond instead of react to your child’s behaviors.</span> </b></span><br />
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Love is a conscious and intentional response; fear is a confused and distorted reaction. It becomes difficult when dealing with school issues to stay mindful enough when our child brings home a low grade to stay in this place of love and responsiveness.</span><br />
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There is an enormous amount of emphasis in our culture surrounding education. The common belief is that if our child doesn’t succeed in school, then he won’t succeed in life. We often have the perception that the level of our education is directly proportionate to our level of income. However, it is quite interesting to note that in many cases, those with less education earn more than those with master or doctoral degrees. Bill Gates, worth an estimated $56 billion, left college after only a couple of years and finally earned an honorary degree some 30 years later. Extreme case? Perhaps. Yet, we need to be flexible to understand that when Johnny doesn’t do his homework, it doesn’t mean that he is doomed in his career…he’s only five!</span><br />
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For the Beyond Consequences parent, the interpretation of a negative report from school simply means that the child was outside of her window of tolerance. For example, the child comes home and says, “Mom, I got three ‘infractions’ today at school.” Instead of the traditional response of, “What? You know how to behave in that classroom,” mom can take a deep breath, stop the negativity, and decide to respond from a state of understanding. Mom says, “Wow. You must have been really stressed out today. What was so hard today?” As she opens the space for understanding and reflective thought, her daughter reveals that there was a substitute today (and we all know how dysregulated an entire classroom can become on days with substitutes).</span><br />
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Being able to respond to a child in the classroom can shift a potentially chaotic experience into one that is calm and regulated. Responsive techniques include “Time-In,” using non-verbal communication, using gentle and friendly touch, using indirect eye contact when direct eye contact is too stimulating, not demanding an explanation of a negative behavior in the moment, providing understanding, and working to regulate as the adult in the classroom.</span><br />
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Instead of putting a child in a corner or outside of the classroom (which happens all too often), have the child sit with the teacher. “Johnny, I see you are having a hard time sitting. Why don’t you come sit with me and see if you can focus and get back on track?” It takes understanding that we regulate through relationship. The reaction I often hear from educators is, “I can’t do that with every student.” The reality is that not every student needs that; yet there are times when one or two students in the classroom are going to need that. In fact, the time that you invest in helping a couple of students regulate through the student/teacher relationship will produce gains that will be evident for the rest of the day.</span><br />
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Non-verbal communication and gentle/friendly touch can be as simple as a teacher looking over and seeing that Johnny is getting a little frustrated. The teacher, while still teaching, can simply walk by Johnny and put her hand on his shoulder. She does not even have to say a word. Just her presence, her physical connection that is gentle and soft, can help to interrupt the negativity and stress that is starting to build in him.</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">4) Help your child find resources – empower your child.</span></b></span><br />
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If efforts to work with your child’s school prove minimal, it is still our responsibility to continue moving forward in our family’s healing process. This may mean working with our child to help him become more equipped while at school, showing him how to develop his own internal resources and for us to be a calm and regulated resource before and after school for him.</span><br />
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One of the best resources is you in the morning. Make a commitment to send your child off to school as regulated as possible each morning. When we keep in touch with our level of stress in getting out the door, we realize that much of how the morning unfolds is in our court. If you work outside of the home, it would be wise to avoid scheduling meetings in the morning, just in case your child is having a difficult morning. It would also be helpful to let your boss know that there may be times that you are going to be late with the reassurance that you’ll make up the hours as needed. Ironically, just in doing this, your stress level will be less which will almost ensure that you really are not late for work.</span><br />
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Help your child develop internal resources so he can begin to empower himself. Children want to do well; we need to give them the tools in order to develop their internal regulatory skills in order to do so. And when you observe a child who appears as though she doesn’t want to do well and she says, “I don’t care,” this is only an indication that she is in a state of survival. When you’re in survival, you literally do not have the space to care. This is a child who is beyond her window of stress tolerance, so equipping children, especially children who operate in survival most of their days, can be a liberating experience for them.</span><br />
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Teach your children how to breathe when they begin to feel stressed and overwhelmed. This can work for a child entering Kindergarten or a child entering high school. Help them to get in touch with their bodies and feel the sensation of stress as it originates, perhaps in the stomach or in their chest. As they become aware of the feeling physically, they then have the capacity to identify it instead of acting out on it. This takes practice at home, but it equips them to maintain some sense of regulation in an environment that challenges their regulatory system.</span><br />
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Teachers and parents can also help children develop external resources when they begin to feel dysregulated, or “uneven” as one child described it to me. Help them to identify people within the school with whom they can connect. Identify mentors in the school. It can be a school counselor, a teacher’s aide, the receptionist, the janitor—someone with whom they can call upon when feeling stressed. Reflect on what you do when you’re feeling stressed at work or at home. Don’t you usually call someone to connect? This is using relationships to regulate.</span><br />
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Request that your child be given permission to call the parent when she needs to from school. This can be a simple two-minute call that can have lasting effects for a child’s sense of safety and security. Fear says they’ll want to call too much so it will disrupt the class or that they’ll manipulate this “privilege” and abuse it. When we truly understand that this is a tool children can use to align and empower themselves, we’ll see that it isn’t a privilege but a necessary tool in a child’s ability to maintain regulation in the school environment. If the teacher shifts from a place of stress and fear to a place of understanding, she can then truly see that it is a useful tool that can help her to help this child.</span><br />
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Set up a system to help the child break a negative feedback loop that may develop in the classroom. Instead of threatening the child, “Johnny, I’ve asked you three times already to settle down. If you don’t sit down this last time, you’ll find yourself sitting inside completing this assignment by yourself during recess,” we have to consider more positive options. Realizing that Johnny is having a hard time settling down by the fourth request, perhaps he needs to take a break from the environment in order to break the negative feedback loop. At this point, it is clear that he doesn’t have the regulatory ability to interrupt this negativity on his own. “Johnny, I can see that it is difficult to settle down. I think this would be a good time to take a break and go down the hall for a sip of water.” This is teaching Johnny how to break this cycle instead of punishing him by taking recess away (which is probably exactly what he needs—the opportunity to run around and release some energy).</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">5) Reduce stress at school.</span> </b></span><br />
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In addition to the four tips listed above, there are several other very simple strategies that can help children who become easily overwhelmed at school. These strategies take just a small amount of extra time for teachers; it just takes understanding and staying mindful. The investment in implementing these strategies can be profound for the overall experience not only for the child, but for the entire class. Here they are listed below:</span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Assign a teacher who is calm, regulated, and who is willing to stay attuned to child’s needs.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Have the child sit next to the teacher or in the front of the classroom.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Remove distracting objects from the child’s desk.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Stay focused on the process when giving the child a directive, not the outcome. This requires staying relationship focused.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Keep the child close to an adult when transitioning from one activity to another.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Provide a “Safe Place” within the classroom such as a reading corner where the child can go when he feels overwhelmed.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Avoid singling the child out in front of peers; be mindful not to create an experience of rejection (a deep issue for children with trauma histories).</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Allow the child to wear a locket or carry a picture (or another familiar reminder of his family) that he can use to ground himself when feeling scared or alone.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If recess time becomes too stimulating and overwhelming, it may be more beneficial for the child to have quiet time in the library or with the teacher in order to calm his nervous system.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Allow the child to have the option of calling the parents if he needs help regulating. Instead of saying, “I’m going to call your mom if you don’t behave right now, Johnny,” the mindful teacher can say, “I think a call to your mom will help you feel better and will help you know you’re okay, Johnny.”</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Maintain an awareness that children do not willfully disobey teachers or refuse to complete assignments from a conscious place. It is an over abundance of stress and overwhelm that drives a child’s negative responses in the classroom.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Reduce the amount of stimulation in the classroom by decreasing wall posters, hanging mobiles, and other items used for decoration. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Decorate the room by using colors that are warm and soothing.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Change the lighting in the classroom by turning off some of the fluorescent lights and using lamps with incandescent bulbs. Fluorescent lights produce a “cold” light, while incandescent bulbs produce a “warm” light.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If lunchtime is difficult, have the child eat next to an adult or in the classroom. The school cafeteria can be over stimulating and can also be a social challenge for many children (and adults for that matter!).</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When possible, avoid having the child in large groups such as before school programs where all the children sit in the auditorium or in the courtyard. Large groups can dysregulate even a well- regulated child.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Have the teacher (or parent) breakdown assignments into smaller parts. Instead of an entire project due in one month, perhaps intermediate deadlines can be established to break the project into smaller parts. You wouldn’t eat an entire pizza in one bite! So, break it down into manageable slices.</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">While these tips address many aspects of the academic environment, it is also important to acknowledge that perhaps a traditional school setting is not the best for some children, despite all the proactive measures that can be implemented. It takes expanding our options to explore school alternatives such as charter schools, specialized schools, and home schooling. Fear can keep us restricted, focused on the negative, and saturated in the problem. Love keeps us open to new ideas and focused on solutions; so be open to exploring all your options.</span><br />
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Keep pressing on. Your children are worth it. And keep trusting that as you stay focused on your relationship with your children, being flexible and supportive with their school work, they will be more equipped to learn, more motivated to accomplish, and most importantly, happier in their well-being!</span><br />
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Press on,</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMwFJR2Ki__ddy6FKFf2nIEAHcVukGs-04RQcVEDMmRsxdVLs1sxswORxzeELy7QjqZUljFwT8l5_OaXE6YhitD_58ZCEJozapUhWtzp0u0-McnvtNZ56hTZgL3GRNy9pmisUdYK_vgfLg/s1600/Heather%2527s+Blog+Signature.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMwFJR2Ki__ddy6FKFf2nIEAHcVukGs-04RQcVEDMmRsxdVLs1sxswORxzeELy7QjqZUljFwT8l5_OaXE6YhitD_58ZCEJozapUhWtzp0u0-McnvtNZ56hTZgL3GRNy9pmisUdYK_vgfLg/s1600/Heather%2527s+Blog+Signature.png" /></span></a></div>
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<strong>Heather T. Forbes, LCSW<br />Parent and Author of <em><a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/24788/7aac8f7606e289d3/21040190/a113a6fc0ace10ce" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1</a> & <a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/24790/56b766eed8ba05c6/21040190/a113a6fc0ace10ce" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Volume 2</a>, <a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/24792/8fea4f234a48d5d6/21040190/a113a6fc0ace10ce" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Dare to Love</a></em>, and <a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/24794/ff5c4198dfabea16/21040190/a113a6fc0ace10ce" style="color: white;" target="_blank"><em>Help for Billy</em></a>.</strong><br />
<strong><br /></strong><strong><br /></strong>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620711105756104261noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6433287208473900517.post-66596767959227816382015-07-28T15:22:00.001-04:002015-09-29T21:31:06.440-04:00Asking the Right Question<table align="center" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" style="background-color: clear; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; width: 581px;"><tbody>
<tr><td colspan="2" height="187" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><img alt="Question Mark" class="CToWUd" height="187" src="http://www.heathertforbes.com/enewsletter/images/questionmark.jpg" style="display: block;" width="175" /></td><td colspan="5" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top">
After reading parenting book after parenting book, I have come to one very important conclusion. We have been asking the wrong question. We have been asking, "How do I get my child to change his behavior?" The focus has been on moving a child from negative behavior to positive behavior.<br />
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You know the routine: sticker charts, taking away privileges, responding only to nice talk, rewarding good behavior with a prize or that treasured new toy, and the like. Are these working? Do they create lasting change or do you find yourself constantly digging into your bag of "tricks" to find something new and innovative because the old</td><td style="margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="7" height="658" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top">techniques are not working anymore? Or worse, do you find that all those tricks and techniques you try actually make the situation between you and your child worse?<br />
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Ask the wrong question and you will get the wrong answer. This is why those sticker charts are not working. In order to get the solution, we need to start asking the right question. Children are emotional beings. They are deeply emotional and spiritual creatures that we have somehow come to view as "little rational and logical thinking adults." But this is not who they are.<br />
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The right question needs to stem from the understanding that children operate from an emotional platform, not a behavioral framework. Thus, the question we need to start asking ourselves is, <strong>"What is driving my child's behavior?"</strong><br />
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When we begin to ask this question, we switch our focus to that which is at the core of our children's negative behavior. At this core is a state of fear, pain, and/or overwhelm that comes from a child being outside of his window of stress tolerance. Children do not act out from a conscious place. It goes much deeper than this.<br />
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As adults, we have shifted into a place of intellect, rationalization, and logical thinking because it is a safer place from which to operate. Logic is much more predictable than emotions, thus more comfortable. As human beings, we have a need for certainty. This certainty is found through intellectual thinking and rational thought. For many of us, our childhood experiences moved us into this realm of thinking because feelings of anger, fear, and sadness became unsafe and people got either emotionally and/or physically hurt.<br />
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This is exactly why children are in our lives. They are our examples to return us back to our natural state of emotional living. This is where life exists at a deeper and more meaningful level. We find our purpose and our passion for who we are and the reason we are on this planet when we operate out of a state of emotional expression and capture the essence of what distinguishes us from all other mammals on this planet.<br />
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Our children are in our lives to challenge us to <a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/24786/df6e5d2d0eddd560/21040190/a113a6fc0ace10ce" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank"><em>Dare to Love</em></a><em> </em>again. In order to connect with who they are, we must shift ourselves back to living from love, not fear; living from emotional expression, not logical thought; and learning the difference between unconditional love and conditional love.<br />
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Effective and rewarding parenting takes going beyond the behaviors, beyond dishing out consequences, beyond thinking logically, and beyond trying to control our children. It takes putting love into action in a whole new way and connecting with your child at a deep, intrinsic level--a whole new dimension of parenting.<br />
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Switching your thinking from a behavioral framework to a love-based framework that is focused on emotional connection will not be easy. Daring to love your children beyond consequences, logic, and control, will take courage, faith, commitment, and follow through.<br />
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When you learn how to put unconditional love into action, you have the power to change any family situation. Parenting through power and authority over our children comes from fear and ultimately undermines a child's ability to trust and relate to both themselves and others. Conversely, parenting through unconditional love and relationship equips our children to develop their own internal sense of control and empowers them to enter the world with a strong sense of self, well-developed love for self, and an ability to relate to others through tolerance, patience, and understanding. It simply starts by asking the right question, "What is driving my child's behavior?"<br />
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Press on,</td><td style="margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="7" height="53" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7Wwrj3XetnHjzKE4suQiqjtKKWASVfKFqZtxmXgYPc9EyTzW37QAk9EcExGwPoTr7AQNjNODqYMtRR0DQ7vtXJAFVnX1f39znItyi2zg904bmotS0HK_s_-1woWziptI7qrFt8WVu4gh-/s1600/HeathersSignature.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7Wwrj3XetnHjzKE4suQiqjtKKWASVfKFqZtxmXgYPc9EyTzW37QAk9EcExGwPoTr7AQNjNODqYMtRR0DQ7vtXJAFVnX1f39znItyi2zg904bmotS0HK_s_-1woWziptI7qrFt8WVu4gh-/s1600/HeathersSignature.png" /></a></td><td style="margin: 0px;"></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="7" height="56" style="margin: 0px;" valign="top"><strong>Heather T. Forbes, LCSW<br />Parent and Author of <em><a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/24788/7aac8f7606e289d3/21040190/a113a6fc0ace10ce" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank">Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1</a> & <a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/24790/56b766eed8ba05c6/21040190/a113a6fc0ace10ce" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank">Volume 2</a>, <a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/24792/8fea4f234a48d5d6/21040190/a113a6fc0ace10ce" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank">Dare to Love</a></em>, and <a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/24794/ff5c4198dfabea16/21040190/a113a6fc0ace10ce" style="color: #FFFFFF;" target="_blank"><em>Help for Billy</em></a>.</strong><br />
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</tbody></table>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620711105756104261noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6433287208473900517.post-43883554073574043182015-07-07T12:21:00.000-04:002015-09-29T21:18:28.586-04:00Dinnertime Tantrums<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<tr><td colspan="5" height="122" valign="top"><img alt="Boy Crying at Breakfast" height="122" src="http://www.heathertforbes.com/enewsletter/images/cryingbreakfastboy.jpg" style="display: block;" width="225" /></td><td colspan="2" valign="top"><em><strong>Q: My four-year-old sits down to dinner and says, "I don't like that." He either won't eat at all or won't eat his vegetables. He then gets annoyed, trying to leave the table, whining and refusing to eat. This happens five out of seven nights. How do I respond without consequences?</strong></em></td><td></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="7" height="723" valign="top"><br /><strong>A:</strong> Meal times are clearly a stressful time for not only your child, but for you as well. I'm certain that for you at this point, even the thought of dinnertime creates a stress reaction in you.<br /><br />Create new experiences around food for you and your child (and your entire family). Have your child sit in your lap to eat. Feed him as you would feed a young toddler. Emotionally your child is probably much younger than four years old. Expecting him to be able to sit down at the table during mealtime is probably well beyond his developmental capabilities.<br /><br />You might even consider feeding him from a bottle during mealtimes. He may need you to allow him to regress all the way back to infancy in order to create a fresh start. Children with trauma around food missed some critical experiences that we need to recreate for them. It will give him a stronger foundation from which to grow and reach his full potential.<br /><br />Recognize that his behavior is being driven from fear and that it isn't about him rejecting your efforts as a mother to feed him and nurture him. When he says, "I don't like that!" what he is really saying is, <strong>"I'm too stressed out to eat this food right now!"</strong><br /><br />We also need to recognize that we shouldn't eat when we are stressed anyway. Our bodies can't digest the food properly and it can become toxic in our bodies. <strong>More importantly, forcing children to eat during this time or giving consequences around food only creates negative food related issues as adults.</strong><br /><br />The refusal to eat vegetables has a direct link to being stressed out. As a human species, we gravitate towards sweets, salts, and fats when we are stressed. What is your regulatory food? Chocolate or broccoli? When we are stressed, we have a difficult time eating vegetables. Think about the last time you were physically sick (where your body was stressed due to illness). Even the thought of eating a salad was enough to make you nauseous.<br /><br />Try feeding your child outside of mealtimes. Small snacks of carrots and celery during the day can provide nutricious intake for your child. Children are more apt to "graze" than they are to sit and eat an entire meal. While dinnertime is an important time for the entire family to come together, realize that <strong>expecting your four-year-old to be engaged at this point in his development is only creating a negative experience for everyone.</strong><br /><br />As you gain a deeper understanding of the stress driving your child's behavior, you will find more solutions that work for your family. Stay focused on your child's needs and "listen" to his behavior and there you will find the answers.<br /><br />Keep focused on calming your child's environment around mealtime. This will in turn help your son settle his nervous system which will naturally bring back his appetite and desire to eat.<div align="center">
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<br /><em><strong>Q: In many of your articles, you mention that the parent should calm a child down by creating security for the child. I understand that much of a child's stress and fear comes from the threat of being moved to another home. Yet as a foster mom, I can never honestly say, "You are safe. You aren't going anywhere." </strong></em><br /><br /><br /><strong>A:</strong> You're absolutely right. You would never want to say this to a foster child because the reality is that they probably would be moving on to another home in the future. Congratulations for being sensitive to giving your child only the truth!<br /><br />What you have working for you is the present moment. The only moment we have guaranteed to us is the moment we are in. Capture this moment with your child. Say to her, "<strong>You are safe, honey. You are right here with me now."</strong> You can give security and nurturing at that moment. Help your child learn how to stay present with you in this precious space in time.<br /><br />I recently had a foster mother relate a story to me that will help you understand the power of even short term loving relationships. This foster mother had a teenage foster child in her home for a period of only one month. Eight years later, after the child had aged out of the system and was on her own as an adult, she and the foster mother reconnected. The former foster child told this foster mother that the turning point in her life was when she was at her home. The love, safety, security, and acceptance that she was given by this foster mother changed her life and gave this former foster child the ability to move forward.<strong>She relayed how this placement, only one month in length, was the best placement she had EVER had.</strong><br /><br />You are an important part of your foster child's journey. Never underestimate the importance of your time with her, whether it is short or long term, and your ability to create safety and security in each moment, despite an uncertain future.<br /><br />Press on,<br />
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<tr><td colspan="7" height="56" valign="top"><strong>Heather T. Forbes, LCSW<br />Parent and Author of <em><a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/cart/store.jsp?view=4&i=17&navicat=27&navisubcat=80&naviprod=17" style="color: red;" target="_blank">Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1</a> & <a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/cart/store.jsp?view=4&i=19&navicat=27&navisubcat=80&naviprod=19" style="color: red;" target="_blank">Volume 2</a>,<br /><a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/cart/store.jsp?view=4&i=15&navicat=27&navisubcat=80&naviprod=15" style="color: red;" target="_blank">Dare to Love</a></em>, and <a href="http://www.help-for-billy.com/" style="color: red;" target="_blank"><em>Help for Billy</em></a>.</strong><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620711105756104261noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6433287208473900517.post-45802213954730630032015-06-16T12:51:00.000-04:002015-09-29T21:19:13.658-04:00Manipulation Madness<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<table align="center" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" id="tdLayout" style="color: black; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; width: 581px;"><tbody>
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<tr><td colspan="2" height="173" valign="top"><img alt="dad and baby" height="173" src="http://www.heathertforbes.com/enewsletter/images/picture-dadandbaby.jpg" style="display: block;" width="173" /></td><td colspan="5" valign="top"><em><strong><br />Q:</strong> My foster child can be amazingly manipulative, all the time! If I lovingly respond to her, am I not just reinforcing this behavior? </em><br /><br /><br /><strong>A:</strong> This is a GREAT question and I know it is an issue in which many parents struggle. As with all negative behaviors, I believe manipulation is a communication for connection with the parent. Paradoxically, when our children demonstrate this behavior, it does quite the opposite to us. It creates an uneasy feeling within us, constricts us, and in many cases, repulses us away from our child.</td><td></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="7" height="672" valign="top"><br />Let's step back and look at early childhood interactions between the parent and the infant. It is there that we will find the roots of manipulative behavior and will be able to create a new understanding.<br /><br />The very first relationship an infant is designed to experience is the relationship with the mother. This relationship begins in the womb and is designed to continue at a high level of intensity for at least the next three years of life, along with the father/child relationship. It is in these first three years that amazing development and connection happens due to the parents' attention, attunement, and devotion.<br /><br />According to Dr. Allan Shore, the "King" of affect regulation, these parent/child interactions occur primarily in the right brain. The right brain holds the capacity for emotional and non-verbal information processing while the left-brain holds the capacity for language and logical processing. For the infant and young child, with no or limited language skills, communication happens primarily in the right brain. These experiences occur at the emotional level, not at the cognitive or "thinking" level.<br /><br />Thus, the communication between the parent and child happens at a non-verbal level. <b>When the child gives signals to the parent, the child experiences the parent as predictable and manipulatable. </b>Infants and young children have this amazing ability to "manipulate" their caretakers. For example, the baby smiles at the parent, the parent smiles back. The baby has created this mirroring response from the parent. The parent will even talk a crazy language like, "Goo-goo-gaa-gaa" to the baby. No one else on this planet can get this parent to do such things.<br /><br />The baby can also cry and become hyper-aroused, "manipulating" the caregiver to come over and pick her up. Babies even have this manipulation technique down so well that they can get their parents up from a dead sleep in the middle of the night to feed them. Money and bribes wouldn't even get many of us out of bed in the middle of the night!<br /><br />Even more impressive, babies can get grown men, CEO's of mega-corporations, dressed in red power ties, to bend over and make silly noises and change their tone of voice to that of a little kid. The high-powered, influential board of directors of such a CEO doesn't even have that kind of power.<br /><br />You've experienced this yourself. How many times have you walked by a baby, felt this force pulling you over to her, and then dropped everything you were doing to connect with the baby?<br /><br />All kidding aside, this ability to "manipulate" is an important part of any child's development. <b>It is in this attachment system between the parent and the child that is helping the child regulate her states of stress and fear. </b>The parent who attends to the child's negative states is helping the child shift back into a positive state. This is known as "affect synchrony." Affect synchrony is the regulatory means for developing and maintaining positive emotional states within the relationship of emotional communication. Positive states are amplified and maximized for the child while negative states are minimized and neutralized for the child.<br /><br /><b>If your child missed early experiences of affect synchrony with you or with another caretaker, she will seek to have these experiences, even at an older age. Manipulation is simply an inherent way for her to achieve this goal. </b>If you shift from seeing this as a negative and irritating behavior to a request for connection and healing, you will be able to meet her needs in a positive and loving way.<br /><br />When you interact with her, see her through the lens of a child who is desperate to know connection and who needs to know what unconditional love is. <b>She needs to know that she is important enough to be able to move you, just like when the baby smiles and the parent smiles back. This gives her a sense of worth and "all-rightness." </b><br /><br />Be sure to read, <i>Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control, </i>for more practical ways of parenting out of love while maintaining boundaries and teaching her more effective ways to ask for help and connection (available at <a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/storeFront/showProductDetail?productId=17" style="color: red;" target="_blank">www.beyondconsequences.com</a>).<br /><br />And don't forget to spend time with her, simply playing with her. Playing with her and being with her can repair the missing pieces from her early history, at a physiological and emotional level. <b>You will also be creating the essential ingredient of life: Joy! </b> By amplifying the positive experiences in her life and by giving her a sense of safety and security in her relationship with you, even if temporary, the need to be manipulative will disappear.<br /><br />Press on,</td><td></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="7" height="53" valign="top"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMwFJR2Ki__ddy6FKFf2nIEAHcVukGs-04RQcVEDMmRsxdVLs1sxswORxzeELy7QjqZUljFwT8l5_OaXE6YhitD_58ZCEJozapUhWtzp0u0-McnvtNZ56hTZgL3GRNy9pmisUdYK_vgfLg/s1600/Heather%2527s+Blog+Signature.png" imageanchor="1" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMwFJR2Ki__ddy6FKFf2nIEAHcVukGs-04RQcVEDMmRsxdVLs1sxswORxzeELy7QjqZUljFwT8l5_OaXE6YhitD_58ZCEJozapUhWtzp0u0-McnvtNZ56hTZgL3GRNy9pmisUdYK_vgfLg/s1600/Heather%2527s+Blog+Signature.png" /></a></td><td></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="7" height="56" valign="top"><strong>Heather T. Forbes, LCSW<br />Parent and Author of <em><a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/cart/store.jsp?view=4&i=17&navicat=27&navisubcat=80&naviprod=17" style="color: red;" target="_blank">Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1</a> & <a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/cart/store.jsp?view=4&i=19&navicat=27&navisubcat=80&naviprod=19" style="color: red;" target="_blank">Volume 2</a>,<br /><a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/cart/store.jsp?view=4&i=15&navicat=27&navisubcat=80&naviprod=15" style="color: red;" target="_blank">Dare to Love</a></em>, and <a href="http://www.help-for-billy.com/" style="color: red;" target="_blank"><em>Help for Billy</em></a>.</strong></td></tr>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620711105756104261noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6433287208473900517.post-16568374384088054462015-06-06T13:43:00.001-04:002015-06-16T12:54:21.236-04:00Every Day is Mother's Day Online Conference <div style="background-color: clear; color: black; font-family: arial; font-size: 10pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 16pt;">
Do you ever feel different? Is it hard to fit in with the other moms in your neighborhood or community?<br />
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In exactly one week from today beginning <b>Saturday, June 13, 2015,</b> I will be starting my next <a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/24167/5f908de516a56ac7/20157349/64a57d25c7fb807e" style="color: white;" target="_blank">Every Day Is Mother's Day Online Conference</a>. This will be a conference where you will finally fit-in and others on the conference will be able to relate to your struggles.<br />
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Raising a child with difficult behaviors can be more than exhausting...it can put you in a place of feeling completely alone. This isn't what you need and you shouldn't have to parent a challenging child without the right support around you. This ONLINE conference will change all that for you. Seriously, you'll be amazed at how connected you will become in five days with women from literally around the world who care, relate, and totally "get" you!<br />
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<b>This will be the last conference this year,</b> so if this is what you are needing to find connection and to move to a place of calm, hope, and love, please consider taking part in this event.<br />
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<span style="color: limegreen; font-family: arial;"><b>I've got a quick EYE-OPENING story for you.</b> </span></div>
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A while back, I joined some women in my neighborhood for coffee. It was such an eye opener! I've made a video to share first-hand my insights. Click <a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/24169/4ae3e240f2b48b57/20157349/64a57d25c7fb807e" style="color: white;" target="_blank"><b>HERE</b></a> to watch.<br />
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<a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/24171/df4737cbbb6cef2f/20157349/64a57d25c7fb807e" style="color: white;" target="_blank"><img align="center" border="0" /></a></div>
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<b style="color: limegreen; font-family: arial;">Change is possible.</b><br /><div style="background-color: clear; color: black; font-family: arial; font-size: 10pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: 16pt;">
One of the best ways to make a change in your family is to make the change within yourself. Yet, very few of us were taught how to do this and more importantly, were never given the permission <i>to</i> do it. This conference will lead you through that process and help you reclaim yourself and your happiness!<br />
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All the registration information is available at:</div>
<span style="background-color: clear; color: limegreen; font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;"><b><a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/24173/db1ab9cfbea75909/20157349/64a57d25c7fb807e" style="color: white;" target="_blank">www.EveryDayIsMothersDay.com</a></b></span><span style="background-color: clear; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px;"></span><br />
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<b>This conference is entirely ONLINE, so no need to fret about travel arrangements.</b>You simply need your computer and high speed Internet. It runs for five days from<span class="aBn" data-term="goog_1799625385" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;"> Saturday</span></span> to <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_1799625386" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">Wednesday</span></span>:</div>
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<tr><td style="margin: 0px;" width="40%"><span style="color: black; font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;">Saturday, June 13</span></td><td style="margin: 0px;" width="20%"><span style="color: black; font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;">3 hours</span></td><td style="margin: 0px;" width="40%"><span style="color: black; font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;"> 1:00 pm - 4:00 pm MDT</span></td></tr>
<tr><td style="margin: 0px;" width="40%"><span style="color: black; font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;">Sunday, June 14</span></td><td style="margin: 0px;" width="20%"><span style="color: black; font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;">3 hours</span></td><td style="margin: 0px;" width="40%"><span style="color: black; font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;"> 1:00 pm - 4:00 pm MDT</span></td></tr>
<tr><td style="margin: 0px;" width="40%"><span style="color: black; font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;">Monday, June 15</span></td><td style="margin: 0px;" width="20%"><span style="color: black; font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;">1 ½ hours</span></td><td style="margin: 0px;" width="40%"><span style="color: black; font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;"> 7:00 pm - 8:30 pm MDT</span></td></tr>
<tr><td style="margin: 0px;" width="40%"><span style="color: black; font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;">Tuesday, June 16</span></td><td style="margin: 0px;" width="20%"><span style="color: black; font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;">1 ½ hours</span></td><td style="margin: 0px;" width="40%"><span style="color: black; font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;"> 7:00 pm - 8:30 pm MDT</span></td></tr>
<tr><td style="margin: 0px;" width="40%"><span style="color: black; font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;">Wednesday, June 17</span></td><td style="margin: 0px;" width="20%"><span style="color: black; font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;">1 ½ hours</span></td><td style="margin: 0px;" width="40%"><span style="color: black; font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;"> 7:00 pm - 8:30 pm MDT</span></td></tr>
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There is a community who understands you and it is right at your fingertips. This online conference will give you FIVE straight days of connecting with others who truly "get" you and your story. It is an amazingly healing event that I hope you'll consider joining. Why? Because you and your family are worth it!<br />
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Press on,<br />
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Heather T. Forbes, LCSW<br />
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<span style="color: limegreen; font-family: arial; font-size: medium;"><b>P.S. </b></span>This ONLINE conference runs for 5 days over the INTERNET with live streaming video (<span class="aBn" data-term="goog_1799625397" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">June 13-17, 2015</span></span>). It's super easy and can be attended in the convenience of your own home. You won't have the expense of traveling and it can still be a time just for you!</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620711105756104261noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6433287208473900517.post-89129192443283047612015-05-28T14:10:00.002-04:002015-09-29T21:20:34.942-04:00Why Tokens Aren't Working<table align="center" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" id="tdLayout" style="color: black; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; width: 581px;"><tbody>
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<tr><td colspan="5" height="181" valign="top"><img alt="Tokens" src="http://www.heathertforbes.com/enewsletter/images/tokens.jpg" height="181" style="display: block;" width="232" /></td><td colspan="2" id="tdImagePadding" style="padding-left: 5px;" valign="top"><em>"If you finish your chores today, you'll earn 5 more tokens and that will help you get to your goal of 25 by the weekend, Billy!" </em>And Billy turns to his mother and says<em>, "It's your damn house, you do the f***ing chores!", </em>slams his door, and remains in his room the rest of the day.<br />
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Using tokens as rewards or motivators for our adopted or foster children not only does <em>not</em> work, it often makes it worse. There are several reasons for this, all of which stem from one word: Trauma.</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="7" height="650" valign="top"><strong>Trauma.</strong> Any child who has lost his biological family, either temporarily or permanently, has experienced trauma. The event or events that led to this trauma were experiences that rendered the child to feel powerless, hopeless, and/or helpless. The result of such vulnerable feelings shifts a child from a state of love to a state of fear.<br />
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The child then lives from a belief system that says, <em>"The world is unsafe. I must protect myself. No one can be trusted. I am in charge in order to protect myself. No one, and I mean no one, will tell me what to do!"</em>When a parent is raising a child filled with fear already, adding more fear to a child through the threat of not earning tokens, can be completely ineffective and even disastrous.<br />
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Brain science is showing that when children are in a state of fear, they are not operating out of their rational brains, the neocortex. Instead, they are operating from the limbic system, the emotional brain. Their decisions reflect their emotional state (fear in this example with Billy). Their interpretation of what you say to them will not be processed from a logical, sequential, or reasonable perspective. It will be processed from a perspective of fear and negativity. Thus, what Billy hears from the parent is this, <em>"If you don't finish your chores, you won't get 5 more tokens and that means you are a failure and nobody loves you."</em> Billy thinks in the negative, always. That's what trauma does to children.<br />
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Additionally, Billy's ability to think sequentially has been compromised by trauma. Trauma happens by surprise, so children like Billy live in a hyper-vigilant place, where they have to live moment by moment. Life happens in the next 15 seconds! There is no future. They are too consumed protecting themselves in the now. They dedicate all their resources to ensuring their survival in this moment. Thus, when a parent says, <em>"...and that will help you get to your goal of 25 by the weekend, Billy!"</em>, Billy cannot comprehend this type of sequential logic. In his world, the weekend does not even exist...there is no future. Logical and sequential language becomes confusing and irritating to him. The result is that Billy becomes more unsettled and his negative behaviors intensify.<br />
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Children with histories of severe trauma literally do not have the wiring for sequential thinking in their brains because when the traumatic event(s) happened, they experienced chaos and overwhelm. Their worlds became scattered and disorganized. Nothing made sense. All stability was gone. Because this all happens during the developmental years of a child's life, the developing brain becomes wired in a haphazard and fragmented way.<br />
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Additionally, the memory of the traumatic event gets stored in fragments. Billy's understanding of the world is not sequentially based and the result is that he has difficulties understanding "how the world works." This leaves Billy in a disorganized and dysregulated state until the trauma can be processed and released and until he can learn to understand the world in reality.<br />
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Using tokens, point charts, stickers, or any other type of behavioral intervention does not address these deeper issues. These behaviorally based techniques are surface solutions. It's like putting a Band-Aid on a patient who is bleeding internally.<br />
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<strong>Solution.</strong> What children like Billy need first is understanding. As parents, we have to start by understanding why Billy does what he does...why he reacts the way he reacts. We have to begin to trust that what our children do is perfectly logical--logical to them. When Billy says, <em>"It's your damn house, you do the f***ing chores!"</em>, we need to get past the attitude, the cursing, and the defiance in order to get to the heart of the matter. We all agree this is inappropriate and needs to be changed, however if you try to correct Billy in the moment, you will find yourself getting sucked back into an all too familiar vortex of negativity and resistance.<br />
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Read the meaning behind the words. What Billy really is saying is, <em>"I lost my home. Nothing will ever substitute this lose, not even this home. I don't really belong here and I don't want to even try to belong here because then I would be at risk of losing again. I can't take any responsibility because that would mean I am placing myself in a position of being vulnerable again. And I can't afford to do that. It is too painful. It's much safer to argue and resist."</em><br />
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Billy needs to experience what it feels like to be in a safe and loving relationship, above all other lessons he needs to learn. People in his past did not take responsibility for him, so he is naturally going to be resistant to taking responsibility in return. Focus on getting Billy back into a place of safety and back into a place of security before expecting him to pleasantly adhere to the requirements of your household.<br />
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Use chores as an opportunity to build relationship and focus on the process of getting the chores complete. Offer to do the chores with him in order to create time with him. If he is still resistant, offer to do it for him, while he hangs out with you. Use this time just to connect, even if it means he is not helping. That will come later. Trust that if you focus on the relationship, Billy will eventually shift back to a place of helping when he gets more secure and more settled.<br />
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Additionally, Billy needs to go back developmentally and learn how to think logically and sequentially. He most likely is not "just going to pick it up." It needs to learn to think in reality and rewire his brain to understand the logical flow of how the world operates. Billy needs instruction on learning that "if A happens, then B will follow, and that will result in C happening." This instruction cannot happen in the moment like in the beginning example; he is too tied to it emotionally.<br />
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Billy has to be an observer in the instruction, not in the lead role where his fear will create resistance. There are various children's learning tools to teach sequential thinking and problem solving skills by reading stories or using picture cards. Using tools like these removes Billy from his own story and his own fears. They create needed distance (safety). Continual repetition of these teachings can help Billy to eventually learn how to integrate this thinking back into his own life.<br />
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Yes, the "real" world does work on more of a token/reward system, but Billy is not ready for this real world...<em>yet</em>. Shifting your focus and your interpretation of Billy's negative behaviors will, ironically, better prepare him for the real-world in the years to come rather than what was shown with the opening example. Billy needs emotional safety, patience, and understanding to help him heal and to help him redefine his perspective of how the world works.<br />
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In short, Billy needs your full abiding love instead of tokens of your love.</td><td></td></tr>
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<tr><td colspan="7" height="56" valign="top"><strong>Heather T. Forbes, LCSW<br />Parent and Author of <em><a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/cart/store.jsp?view=4&i=17&navicat=27&navisubcat=80&naviprod=17" style="color: red;" target="_blank">Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1</a> & <a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/cart/store.jsp?view=4&i=19&navicat=27&navisubcat=80&naviprod=19" style="color: red;" target="_blank">Volume 2</a>,<br /><a href="https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/cart/store.jsp?view=4&i=15&navicat=27&navisubcat=80&naviprod=15" style="color: red;" target="_blank">Dare to Love</a></em>, and <a href="http://www.help-for-billy.com/" style="color: red;" target="_blank"><em>Help for Billy</em></a>.</strong></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11620711105756104261noreply@blogger.com0